Uncontrollable Powers
Having superpowers is an awe inspiring thing. When before you were just a scrawny twerp who could lift at most one elephant over his head while breaking four to eighty nine sweats, now you can life at least sixteen elephants over your head while breaking zero to negative three sweats. That’s quite the upgrade. For some people going from zero to one thousand like that can be a bit of a jolt. There’s no shame in that. When Power Jones, the man with one million powers, first unlocked the power to destroy universe he actually destroyed all of existence like fifteen times before he got the hang of it. So the bar on losing control of your powers is set real low. You could destroy all of existence fourteen and a half times and still not be the biggest loser out there. But let’s talk about some of the things you can do when you’ve got a case of (power puking) uncontrollable powers.
Cases of uncontrollable powers usually fall into two categories: Power usage that presents a danger to others, and power usage that presents a danger to oneself. (There’s a secret third category but we’ll deal with that later.)
Danger to Others This is like when you’ve just got so much concussive eye blast inside you that you can’t help but share it with the world. This is like when you sneeze and poison quills shoot out of your back. It’s when you can’t help but leak lava out of all your pores. Or when you turn everything you touch into gold. Until you get a handle on your powers you’re a risk to everyone and everything around you. Which is going to be bad for your morale. So try making yourself a nice happy song playlis- oh you’ve melted the music rectangle. Ok well then maybe you can do some nice relaxing yog- oh you’ve turned the yoga mat into spiders. You’ve turned everything into spiders. Gosh that’s pretty terrifying. Are you ok? Luckily it’s impossible to turn this guide into spiders. And you thought that was a waste of a genie wish, in your face. (That was a waste of a genie wish, we could’ve had a giant llama.) What the heck would we have done with a giant llama? (YOU JUST DON’T GET IT!) You’re darn right I don’t!
Anyway, since your powers are going completely out of control, you can bet your last two pennies that have been fused together and also to your pants because you can’t stop fusing stuff together, that some superhero with a decent grasp on their powers is going to come fight you. Which is horrible I know, I’m sorry. Bad enough that you’re going to be punched a ton, but these super-nerds are also rubbing their mastery of the power to make rocks really big or really small right in your face. Which is really just rubbing salt in your wounds. This might sound like kind of a bum deal but I guarantee you that superheroes laying a smackdown on you is better than any of the alternatives which include:
A supervillain finding you and turning you into a weapon to wield against orphanages or siblings they’ve always been jealous of.
An enthusiastic civilian shooting you in the face for the greater good.
Aliens abducting you and then getting some incredibly off-base ideas about what the average human is.
Destroying the world fifteen times because nobody came and picked you up.
At least when a superhero picks you up they’ll probably come sporting some sleek power-suppressant cuffs and you can finally breathe normally without expelling live wasps from your throat. Sure they’re gonna throw you in a cell afterwards, but they’re superheroes, so it’ll be very comfortable. I was once in a superhero cell for reasons that needn’t be exposed (Karaoke related crimes. You know how it gets at the How To Hero office holiday parties. Last year, our in house exorcist Diego A. Wayghosts brought a haunted chocolate fountain from home for some reason and things got weird.) and it was really quite nice. There was a massage chair! And I think usually they play music but due to my special circumstance there was no music for me. (They started calling him the Karaoke Killer from the way he was just butchering those songs.) But I’m sure you’ll get music. You can finally listen to that happy songs playlist!
Being locked up is obviously not ideal but it’s only until you can explain to the heroes that you’re a baby superhuman and you don’t quite have control of your powers yet. Once you do that they’ll be more than happy to help you. Superheroes are savvy enough to know that once a superhuman becomes active they have a very tiny window to prevent them from becoming a supervillain. (Gosh, remember The Wicked Window Widener? He became a supervillain because he saw a window that he deemed was just too small.) So they’ll let you out of your cell and they’ll get you to where you need to go to harness your powers. That might mean that they’ll keep you around and train you on site, especially if they’ve got a hero on their team with a similar power set as you. Or it could mean sending you over to OPG where they’ve got more experience with this kind of thing.
If your powers are so unstable that it’s not a matter of self-control, OPG might develop some type of equipment to help you keep your powers in check. Whether that means special gloves to prevent you from turning everything you touch into gold. Or reverse engineering the magical properties imbued in this blog thanks to a genie to prevent you from turning everything you touch into spiders. You’ll be well-taken care of.
Danger to Yourself This is type of power incontinence mostly affects mind-readers or people with one or more super-sense. These heroes are more susceptible to sensory overload which can result in terrible migraines or other mental stresses. When this occurs you need to be an advocate for yourself. Which sucks. Making an appointment with a doctor is hard enough. Now you’ve got to call your local superhero’s emergency hotline? That sounds so stressful. That guy saved the world. What has your doctor even done? Saved one life? Two? 40? That’s nothing. What’s even the point of them. What are you even gonna say? Ah I bet you’re gonna mess it up. “Hi hello, is this Ultiman? Five time galaxy saver and three time Emmy nominee? Yes uh, my name is Linda and I have a headache”? That’s terrible! Don’t mention the Emmy thing, he lost three times! Gosh you blew it. Now you have to listen to everybody’s thoughts all the time forever. And everybody has terrible thoughts. Your neighbor Tim has convinced himself that he is “one with the squirrels.” He’d never say it out loud but he thinks it all the dang time. The squirrels don’t even realize you exist Tim! Stop it! You’re embarrassing yourself. But only in your innermost thoughts! Gosh this is terrible you should not be exposing his secret shame gosh.
Hopefully a more experienced mind reader or super-sensor will just stumble upon you, identify the problems you’re struggling with you, and just help you out without you having to figure out how to put “I smell everything that’s ever happened in the entire world” into a coherent sentence. People who can identify your problems are really the only people who can help you, so if you’re going through this, try stumbling towards the regular psychic hangouts in your town. Any restaurants, bars, or supermarkets labeled “silent spaces” are definitely rife with psychics. As is the psychic fish aquarium. Which is a huge waste of space since it is home to exactly one fish who yes, can probably help you, but come on. It’s a fish. These people will be able to help you deal with the sensory overload by teaching you to focus on specific things. Just stick with them and they’ll take care of you. Alternatively, you can try to purchase power-suppressant cuffs on the blackmarket, but that’s a great way to fall into a supervillain’s crosshairs. Supervillains are always on the market for mind readers and the like. So they definitely will kidnap you and figure out how to use you to read the minds of their enemies and their stupid older sister who’s like a lawyer or something but who definitely has deep dark embarrassing fears and secrets that an out of control mind reader like you can definitely glean from their stupid lawyer brains.
And so there you have it, the two categories of uncontrollable powers. I guess the lesson here is that it takes a village to control a superpower. So if you’ve recently acquired superpowers, don’t hesitate to reach out to your local superheroes for help getting them under control. That’s all for today folks, be good to one another. And Tim, you go on believing whatever you want brother. I’m sure the squirrels think they’re one with you too. See you on Thursday!
(Bonus: Danger to No One These are the uncontrollable powers that aren’t hurting anyone! Like the power to always smell good. Or that power the OPG calls “Always Thinking: Always Thinking is the power to always have an objectively good idea. Subjects are constantly coming up with good ideas for all sorts of things. Ideas that have been observed have ranged from delicious sorbet recipes to workable plans for wide-scale nuclear disarmament. The ideas seem to have no correlation to whatever is going on at the moment but they’re always objectively good. For example, even Grumpy Gernard from IT liked the sorbet we made from that sorbet recipe. And Grumpy Gernard hates sorbet. Remember when Jan brought in IT he said he’d rather eat cat poo than even look at it. She cried. It was rough. But he liked this sorbet! Thus is the power of Always Thinking. Combat Potential: It is likely that subjects with this power will come up with dozens of brilliant battle strategies that they can enact as needed.” These powers will either just have no effect on your life, such as the power to always have hair. Or will make your life much better, such as the power to always have a giant llama following you around. Imagine all the glorious things you could accomplish if you had a giant llama always following you around that you could never make disappear. You’d be king of the world with that much llama power. If only it had been me at the garage sale. I could’ve found that genie lamp. I could’ve had a giant llama. Curses!)