Kuki Shinobu has seen her boss do a lot of questionable shit, but if his new friends weren't enough of a shock, the stunt she hears about outdoes them all by leaps and bounds. (written before 2.7, so she might be out of character)
Itto: (waving the others over to Shinobu excitedly) Come on, come on! I can't wait for you guys to meet the rest of the gang. (yells) Hey Shinobu!
Shinobu: (looks over in Itto's direction) (casually) Hey, boss. (notices everyone else and mutters to herself) Huh? Who are they? (looks closer and whispers) I hope to the Archons that he hasn't been troubling these people-
Itto: (trots over to her and brings her into a side hug) Man, it's been a while since I've been around, huh?
Shinobu: (muffled in his side) It was unusually quiet for some time. (steps out of his hug) So what have you been up to? The rest of the gang was wondering what their leader was doing overseas for so long.
Itto: Oh! (briefly pauses) About that . . . (avoids her gaze) Sooo I may or may not have accidentally got on a ship-
Shinobu: (eyes widen in incredulity) Accidentally?
Itto: (slightly winces)
(on the side)
Childe: (whispers to Diluc) I've never seen Itto like this before. Isn't he the gang leader or something?
Diluc: (intrigued) So he tells us. Though I must say . . . it's somewhat entertaining.
Childe: (sniggers) Absol-fucking-lutely.
(back to Itto's plea for his life)
Itto: (visibly nervous and sweating bullets) I swear I didn't mean to do all that, but it worked out, I promise! Look, if you don't believe me, you can ask her! (points in Beidou's direction)
Beidou: (turns her head around) Eh? What about me? (sees Shinobu) Oh, hey there! (salutes and grins, shaking her hand) Captain Beidou of the Crux Fleet. It's nice to finally meet ya.
Shinobu: (blinks in shock) (inhales and exhales) Kuki Shinobu, deputy of the Arataki Gang. (returns the shake) Nice meeting you too.
Itto: See? No problem-
Shinobu: (stares him down gravely) Oh, that ain't over just yet, boss.
Itto: (audibly whimpers)
Shinobu: (turns towards the rest of them) (inhales quite deeply) And the rest of you are?
Diluc: Diluc Ragnvindr, from Mondstadt. (nods) It is a pleasure to be acquainted with you.
Shinobu: (starts to choke on her spit but composes herself) A pleasure to meet you too. (internally) How in the fuck did he befriend Mondstadt's wine tycoon?
Childe: (waves and sticks out his hand) Hello there, comrade! You may already know me as Tartaglia but please, call me Childe.
Shinobu: (taking deep, controlled breaths as she shakes his hand) Nice to meet you, Childe. (internally) A Fatui Harbinger? An actual fucking Harbinger!?
Zhongli: (smiles warmly) Greetings to you, Miss Kuki Shinobu. I have been known by many names in the past, but you can call me Zhongli. I've heard a lot about you from your friend and it seems you're just what he made you out to be.
Shinobu: (somewhat flattered at the compliment) Why thank you, Mr. Zhongli. (internally) This old man is the only sane one here, huh?
Itto: Yes, Gramps thank you. (pushes his side gently and harumphs) See, Shinobu? It's all good with my bros here. So we're totally initiating them as honorary members of the Gang later today-
Shinobu: (simply nods in Itto's direction) Has he caused any problems for you?
Zhongli: (chuckles lightly) Oh goodness no, on the contrary. Arataki Itto is a delight to have as a traveling companion and even more as a friend. The trip up Dragonspine was especially memorable and quite an eventful endeavor.
Shinobu: (neutrally) Oh, that's nice- (blanks out before grabbing Zhongli by the lapels) You and him did WHAT?!?
Zhongli: (completely unfazed) The weather was absolutely dreadful and the cold was enough to chill me to my very bones. It is not likely that we will do it again, even for a numerous sum of mora.
Shinobu: (stops breathing)
Itto: (immediately palms the top of Zhongli's head and shoves the both of them down into a kotow) We're sorry.
Beidou: (chokes on the alcohol she was sipping from her flask)
Diluc & Childe: (eating tri-colored dango from the stall nearby, unbothered and mildly entertained by what this is)
Shinobu: (looks at the two figures on the ground) (looks up at the rest of them) (looks at her shaking hands) (squeaks out) A moment, if you will. (turns around and starts shakily walking back)
Itto: (looks up from the ground) . . . Shinobu?
Shinobu: (keeps walking until she rounds a corner, disappearing from sight)
Zhongli: (muffled by the dirt and slightly irritated) Will you let go of my head now, Itto?
Itto: (mutters) Yeah, sorry about that. (numbly lets him go and places himself in a sitting position) (guiltily) Oooh boy. I've never seen her get like that before . . .
Beidou: (chortles as she chugs her flask) (points directly at Itto) You, good sir, are fucked.
Diluc: (nods) Mhm. (finishes his third dango)
Childe: (sympathetically) Comrade, I've hardly known her for five minutes and I know that she will absolutely straighten you out.
Zhongli: (dusts himself off as he stands up) I personally do not see the issue of going up to the strange mountain myself, but I suppose that perhaps you going up there may be the problem. (pats Itto's shoulder) I wish you luck.
Itto: (frowns) As if, Gramps. You went up there with me!
Zhongli: (narrows eyes) I distinctly remember telling you that it was a bad idea.
Itto: And I remember that you forgot your wallet! How else was I supposed to pay for the food then, huh? The funeral director banned you from using the parlor's tab and Diluc wouldn't let Childe pay for you anymore!
Zhongli: (blinks) Ah. I had forgotten about that. (pauses before finally shrugging) 500,000 mora is 500,000 mora.
---
About fifteen minutes later, a blood-curling scream was heard from somewhere within Hanamizaka, promptly scattering everyone involved in the previous conversation. A few guards from the Tenryou Commission traced the noise to a dark alley, where they found Kuki Shinobu passed out cold and keeled over a crate.
Upon waking up and remembering the events that caused her loss of consciousness, Shinobu fought the urge to punch herself for allowing her boss to get wrapped up with a wine tycoon, a Fatui Harbinger, a privateer, and someone she wasn't so sure was fully human. Not that the fact would be anything new, given who she 'worked' for.
It can be argued that at this point in time, Kuki Shinobu is absolutely not paid enough for this shit. If she's paid at all. Because she should be.
(inspired by this collection of headcanons and references a few headcanons from this collection and an upcoming long post)
