Discover Top Posts Tagged with #handicapped spot

For those who don't know. I don't care if you're in there for five minutes. I don't care if you're too tired to walk all the way to the store or whatever. You do not want to get towed and fined, m'kay?

#handicap #handicapped spot #handicapped humor #parking #cars #flowchart #informative #disability #physical disability #car

Mastering the Grocery Store

Let’s be honest, who wants to deal with a massive building containing prepackaged food products? You have to walk from isle to isle, trying hopelessly to find your food item of choice- what are you, an animal? Even worse is that you’re probably charged with keeping your figure in tip-top shape. How on earth is this possible when your feeble mind is bombarded by nothing but foods that aren’t appropriate for a dainty thing like yourself? Fear not! You are soon to be an expert lifer! Here are my top rules for any excursion to a grocery store.

Choosing a grocery store. This can be one of the most challenging tasks, as you are no doubt within a 5-10 minute drive of at least 4 options. The more self-righteous, the better. I’m talking about any overpriced non-chain hipster health-food store, Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Earthfare, or Harvest Foods. If these are more than a 15 minute drive away, you may have options like Harris Teeter, or The Fresh Market, lesser but still overpriced alternatives. Under no circumstances should you ever darken a door of a SuperTarget, Walmart, Food Lion, Lowes Foods, BiLo, Piggly Wiggly, Kroger, or any other 3rd rate excuse of a “grocery store.” Although the signs say “Groceries,” the brands say “Cheap Bastards Shop Here.”

Parking. Park as close to the store as possible, even if it means using a handicapped spot. Half those people don’t even need them anyway, and it would probably do them good to get some exercise, right? If no close spots are available, park on the sidewalk in front of the entrance for your utmost convenience. If someone has beat you to this handy strategy, simply prowl the lot aggressively until an appropriate spot empties. Remember: Super Shoppers Should Snag Superior Spaces!

Shopping Carts: Under no circumstances should you use a shopping cart; they are cholera cases just waiting to happen, and you never know what dirty freak touched them last. Instead, show your prowess at balancing large quantities of groceries in your outstretched arms. If absolutely necessary, make several trips, but understand every successful lifer is able to accomplish a month’s worth of shopping for a family of 4.5 in a single effort.

Navigating. Now that you have found your appropriate store, you probably know the isles are much narrower than most other stores due to the fact that they’re too cheap to sell their overpriced wares in a larger space. Take advantage of the limited space you have! Remember, other shoppers are not as important as you are. Slowly stroll down the middle of each isle, carefully looking at every shelf to ensure you are buying the most unnecessarily expensive and outlandish product available to you.

Checking Out. You have successfully completed your comprehensive navigation of the store, and have accumulated all the groceries you and your family could never possibly consume in the time period you have intended them to. Congratulations! There may be long lines, but remember: you are the most important shopper! Always go to the “express” lane regardless of your item count. If there is a line, make a weak excuse about how your child is in the ER and you need to get to him as soon as you can. Suckers will fall for that every time, and if they’re a sucker, they don’t deserve to waste your time by lining up in front of you.