April 2, 1922
The Katzenjammer Kids by Harold Knerr
TOP PANEL
[ID: The Kids stand on either side of a curtained doorway, holding it open and announcing the entry of two high-class fancy guests. They hold their heads up high, their noses upturned. The Kids hold a length of rope, one Kid on either end, to trip the couple as they walk through the doorway. /end]
Hans: Der Dook und Duchess uf Soupnoodle!
MAIN COMIC
[ID: Mama stands before a vanity mirror, spritzing herself with perfume. Behind her, der Captain holds the Kids up by their collars in one hand, showing them a dress shirt with a crude caricature of himself inked onto the front with his other hand. A puppy we've never seen before sits between them. /end]
Mama: Get a viggle on mit der svaller-tailer, Captain! In a minute comes der Dook und Duchess uf Soupnoodle und you got to look fancy!
Captain: So! I suppose Fido done dot? Vot?
[ID: While der Captain spanks the Kids in another room, Mama greets the Dook & Duchess. /end]
Mama: Ah! Der Dook und Duchess! Der bleasure iss conniptious! Supper iss also ge-soived!
Duchess: Chawmed!
Dook: Dee-lighted!
[ID: Hans stands atop a barrel, boring a hole in the ceiling with a hand auger. Meanwhile, Fritz hammers a peg into a long pole. /end]
Fritz: Did you bore der hole in der table?
Hans: Stick to your chob, boy, und don't ask foolish qvestions!
[ID: Der Captain sharpens two large knives on each other at the dinner table while Mama chats up the Soupnoodles. /end]
Captain: Now, Duke, comes der finest roast goose mit prunes ge-stuffed und home ge-cooked by Mrs. Katzenjammer!
Mama: I got a Uncle vunce in der Svitz Allups vot looked chust like der Dook, only he don't got such nice vitskers!
Dook: Fawncy now!
Duchess: How very interesting!
[ID: The Kids turn the table around while everyone's looking elsewhere, putting the turkey in front of the Duchess. /end]
Captain: Vot der...
Mama: My! How did der goose come by der Duchess?
Dook: My word!
Duchess: Reahly, y'know, the bird doesn't belong to me!
[ID: The table suddenly shoots up to the ceiling, pushed up by the Kids' pole. /end]
Captain: Say...!
Mama: V'y does it go up?
Dook: I s'y!
Duchess: Mercy!
[ID: The table returns to the floor. Der Captain gets down on his hands and knees to see what exactly the Kids are doing with their table. /end]
Captain: Hm! Sum'ting iss rotten below decks or I'm a shad!
Mama: Look! It's all right! He's back again!
Dook: I s'y, y'know, is it likely to remain, d'ye suppose?
Duchess: Very extrawdinary procedure, I'd say!
[ID: The Kids spin the table around very fast, throwing the dishes onto all the guests. Der Captain takes a soup bowl to the face, the Dook is hit in the face with the turkey and the Duchess is helpless to receive the gravy boat in her lap. /end]
Captain: Ow!
Mama: Heafens! V'y does it spin?
Duchess: Help!
[ID: Mama helps the Duchess pour the grave out of her dress while Der Captain exposes the hole the Kids bored into the floor to explain himself to the Dook. /end]
Captain: You see how goes it, Duke? Alvays it's some dod-goozled hokus-pokus mit dem hyenish kids!
Dook: Very enlightening, I'm sure! But I'd just as leave not have the goose in the eye, y'know!
Mama: Come mit me upstairs, Duchess! A liddle benzeline und Spotsoff takes it ouid!
[ID: The Kids stick the fire hose in the basement up through the hole in the floor and spray the Dook up into the air with it. The Duchess faints in Mama's arms. Der Captain walks out of the room, missing all of this. /end]
Captain: Vait! I find ouid und make dod-gasted sure dot it don't happen some more!
Mama: Himmel! Der Dook iss up in der air und der Duchess iss swoomed!
[ID: The Kids attempt to hide in the coal pile in the basement, but Fido gives them away by sitting next to it at rapt attention. Hans pokes out of the pile to throw coal at him until he leaves, but it's too late - der Captain's already found them and reaches into the pile with one hand while he brandishes a club with the other. /end]
Hans: Get ouid, fool! Do you vant to gif us avay?
[ID: As the sounds of their beating echo from the basement, the Dook & Duchess leave, trailing dinner juices behind them as they return to their car. Mama tries in vain to get them to stay, standing in the doorway. /end]
Mama: Oh, Duchess! Couldn't you vait? I got some svitz cheese und pig's knuckles in der ice-box!
Dook: Blithering blighters!
Duchess: Uncouth vulgarians!
Chauffeur: Yes 'em!
Kids: Ouch! Ow! Oh, Captain! Haf a heart! Ouch!
March 5, 1922
The Katzenjammer Kids by Harold Knerr
TOP PANEL
[ID: Der Captain and a roofer carry the Kids, tied to the middle of a ladder which the men have hoisted onto their shoulders. The Kids cry. /end]
MAIN COMIC
[ID: Der Captain talks with a roofer, who side-eyes the Kids, trying their best to look innocent. /end]
Captain: Fix der roof, but I gif you fair varning. Look out for dem kids!
Roofer: I know what kids is! I got 'em uv me own!
[ID: As the roofer climbs onto the roof, the Kids steal his ladder and run off. /end]
Roofer: Hey! Help! Come back with that ladder!
Fritz: Did you hear a noise, darling?
Hans: Maybe it iss a umsk calling its mate!
[ID: The Kids go up to a second-story window and tickle the roofer under his armpits with a stick. The roofer tries hard to keep his grasp on the gutters. /end]
Roofer: Haw! Haw! Hee! Hee! Ho-o-o! STOP IT!
Hand: Kitchy! Kitchy! Kitchy! Koo!
[ID: As the roofer falls, der Captain finds the Kids. He looks angry. /end]
Captain: Nefer mind, I got 'em!
[ID: Der Captain turns the Kids around so their bottoms hang out of the windowsill. The roofer grabs their stick and spanks the Kids with it. /end]
Captain: Didn't I told you how iss it? Go as far as you feel like it vhile der revench iss sveet!
[ID: The roofer begins angrily nailing shingles in place as der Captain sits beside him, brandishing a club and smoking a cigar. The Kids sit inside, unhappy. /end]
Roofer: A joke's a joke, say I, but it don't need to be no bloomin' murder!
Captain: I vatch out vhile you vork so it don't happen some more!
[ID: The Kids go up into the attic, where the ladder up to the roof rests. Fritz saws notches into two of the rungs near the bottom while Hans lays a long plank on the rung underneath them. /end]
Captain: Kids iss kids, only you got to keep a sharp eye peeled!
Fritz: Supposin' since you got der idea, you do it yourself vhile I'm busy!
Hans: Don't forget der old, trusty, rusty musket, Hansy dear!
[ID: Der Captain lowers himself down the ladder. On the other end of the plank is a musket with an attached bayonet, the knife end pointing up towards a small hole in the ceiling. /end]
Captain: Vait! I go down und get a couple more seegars!
[ID: Der Captain plummets down the broken rungs, landing on the plank and sending the bayonet up into the hole. /end]
Captain: UMP!
[ID: On the roof, the roofer clutches his bottom as the bayonet blade pokes up from the hole - right where he was sitting. /end]
Roofer: OW!
[ID: Der Captain inspects the Kids' handiwork as the roofer sticks his head in the roof opening to see who stabbed him in the rear. /end]
Roofer: Ah, ha! It was him, was it?
Captain: So! More hyenish shenanigans, vot?
[ID: The roofer chases der Captain down the stairs and out of the house with his bayonet. Meanwhile, the Kids sit down for a warm soup dinner with Mama. /end]
Roofer: I'll show ye!
Captain: Vait! It's a mistake!
Mama: Come und eat yourselluf, Captain! Ve iss bye der table yet, und der boys iss halluf e't already!
April 30, 1922
The Katzenjammer Kids by Harold Knerr
TOP PANEL
[ID: Rosie the bulldog and a wildcat friend of hers run off with der Captain's overalls clutched in their jaws. Der Captain, interrupted from his bath in the lake, stands dripping wet and naked behind a large boulder, shaking his fist in anger. /end]
MAIN COMIC
[ID: Der Captain talks with Jink Jones, the Trapper - a man easily identified by the sign behind him that reads exactly that. Jink proudly shows off a wildcat in a cage. /end]
Captain: Haf you got maybe a vild-cat vot could chew up a bull-dog?
Jink Jones: I gotta cat here wot could chaw up a rhinoceros!
[ID: Der Captain brings the wildcat home and ties a rope from the bars of the cage door to the chandelier above him. Der Inspector watches curiously. The Kids peek in from behind a closed curtained doorway, concerned. /end]
Captain: See? I put der cage under der table! I pull der rope! Ouid comes der vild boy und Rosie iss up ge-chewed! Ain't dot a vunder uf a scheme?
Inspector: Vot bug-house did you get it from?
[ID: Fritz holds a burlap sack open (aided by a nail holding it up on the back of a wooden chair. Hans stands on said chair, dumping the wildcat out of its cage, into the sack. A housecat mews curiously behind him. /end]
Fritz: Say, did you efer t'ink der old boy vas such a foxy gran'pa?
Hans: He iss a vunder or a 2-dor or 3-dor or somet'ing like dot!
Cat: Meow?
[ID: Der Captain sneaks up behind Rosie, chewing on a dog bowl full of bones. He brandishes a golf club and rolls up his sleeve to prepare his swing. The Kids watch from an open window behind him, concerned. /end]
Fritz: If he hits Rosie, der very vorst vot he gets iss too good!
Captain: Mit vun dod-gasted vallop, I vipe ouid der whole dum-svoggled list uf bites vot I got!
[ID: Der Captain swings and hits Rosie up into the air, knocking over her bowl dish. /end]
Captain: Oh boy! I should get a golluf medal for dot soak.
[ID: Rosie chases after der Captain as he runs into the dining room to spring his trap. /end]
Captain: Sit still my dum-foozled heart! Der pup iss close behind!
[ID: Der Captain crouches up on the fireplace mantel, holding the rope to release the wildcat. Rosie stands on her hind legs below him menacingly. /end]
Captain: Rosie, it now gifs me bleasure to introduce mit you my friend Annie... der vildest vild-cat vot efer chewed up a elephant for breakfast! Goodbye forefer!
[ID: Der Captain pulls the string and a harmless housecat plods out. Rosie and der Captain look at it with equal surprise. /end]
Captain: Vot der dod-gast...!
Cat: Meow!
[ID: The Kids take the wildcat sack and dump it down the chimney. /end]
Fritz: Ve iss sorry to shake you in such a hurry, sveetheart, but Der Captain iss vaiting!
Hans: Chass, und he iss likely to get peevelish if you iss late!
[ID: The wildcat lands in the fireplace, scaring Rosie and the housecat away. Der Captain watches, confused. /end]
Captain: Say! Vot's der idea?
[ID: The wildcat climbs onto the mantle and begins menacing a terrified Captain. /end]
Captain: Hey! Vait! It's a mistake!
[ID: Der Captain storms out of the house with a gladstone bag and an umbrella, his clothes shredded. Mama stands on the doorstep, watching him go, confused. The Kids cling onto the bottom of her dress happily. /end]
Captain: It iss ge-finished! Foist Siberia und den I take a ship to Africa! Mit dis bunch, it iss forefer nix!
Mama: Did you took your rubbers mit?
