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when i was a kid, like around 12, i had such a big brain moment after re-watching the home alone movies one december. looking back at what i did, though i'm not big on fandom anymore, this is the one time im once again glad crack!ships exist in a non-fandom way, and that this particular one (crowbar bandits) has gotten even a bit of traction, because hear me out;

took me damn long to put this post together as i'm only going by what i remember + what few hints i could find in my online footprint. for example, i don't think i ever specified, in the story, whether kevin was biologically one of theirs or if they both had adopted him in the past, because that really wasn't relevant. they were just his fathers, and to them that was it. in the mind of my kid self, still trying to process everything gay people, living under my family's bigoted opinions, learning how much "the system" was at fault, half-unknowingly being a baby queer myself, etc -- i thought it up, & made it so kevin's current "family" (the mccallisters) were actually the... well-meaning? but actually goddamn incapable foster family in which he'd been placed, after getting taken by the state because... yeah, poorer gay couple raising a kid, discriminatory system, the future wet bandits admittedly weren't ever the brightest tools on the shelf either, you know how it be. but kevin at least hadn't been unsafe or unhappy being raised by the two dads as he was with the mccallisters, not at all. he had been even younger when living with the fathers, and may not have had as big of a house as now, or had such elaborate christmas holidays as he'd seen these later years, or had a model of the good ol' traditional american couple as parents, but, to quote my kid self, they had love. is shakespeare really dead🗣️🔥⁉️

idk how accurate this even is as i haven't watched the movies in sooo damn long, i might be fucking some things up – but here's me, younger, a child with a purpose, popping my pre-teen knuckles & flicking my already carpal wrists from too much mouse-clicking, before googling "home alone outlined plot" for safe measure. i was basically set to rewrite the entire franchise (only first 2 movies) as follows:

harry & marv as actually kevin's parents.

(also. the dads did not just. forget his whole existence when traveling thousands of miles from home. they just did not do that, not twice, not even once. not that they had the means to get to travel a lot, but still; kev was probably the jewel that steered their little home, a more precious one than what actual scarce, cracked jewelry they possessed, or the old half-full cabinet of passed-down china from marv's grandma. i'm still adding shit years later, it seems. or maybe it's all just returning to me as i type.)

still, as i was using the canon story & original plot itself as a baseline (with it being a gaslit kevin's pov as an "explanation"), the setting was purposely pretty much the same as it goes the 2 movies, with the perfectly straight, perfectly christian, good traditional family – of course just as neglectful & honestly downright mean as they were in the movies. they actually just actively gaslit him as he grew, brainwashing him somewhat when they weren't emotionally neglecting him; just making earlier childhood memories even fuzzier than they would've been, simply telling him that he'd always been meant to be theirs, or that they'd taken him from a bad ungodly place, very much throwing shade specifically on his earlier memories' dads, which made him sort of recognize the cryptid "signs" on the two men or reminded him somewhat of it, either consciously or subconscious – thus the why he kept running from marv & harry, making it difficult to be caught. even when they tried to explain, to warn.

(because these dudes are limping back to the van, and marv goes like, “but, ey, haha, at least little buddy's the same little weaseling sh– kid as he was back then! he can dodge if he has a bully for a foster-sibling.” somehow that spoken thought wasn't very cheerful to either of them.)

of course, they weren't actually out to kill kevin; every Cartoonishly Evil Scheme they were "shown" to do while out of his sight was basically still kevin's imaginative pov, still under the influence of the current "parents" despite, yeah, being ~Home Alone~. again, harry & marv were pretty much still a bit of fools, but their intentions were actually good, & they were just doing what they could with what they had. even if they did lose their patience on the kid sometimes as they tried to rescue him.

so the bandits, while not living the best of lives or having the cleanest background check those days (being pushed to do your usual cartoony shady baddie shit to survive after their humble household fell in shambles from the state's actions, just not as "cartoony" or as willing as portrayed by kevin's pov), they did actually want their kid back, maybe going about it in their own gritty ways – understandably so, as the "legal ways" & righteous system that screwed them would not have helped them, & they knew the kid was absolutely not okay ripped away to be put in an unknown foster family (“them legal baby stealers!”), & now here by chance they'd finally found him, forgotten, home alone for days to add, handling sharp ass things, an entire shotgun, exposed to any actual burglars that feel like going in, and being stubborn as all hell. and then ofc the bandit dads' plan fails, twice. and they find him home alone. twice. because 2 movies.

their ridiculously villainous threats? those were the equivalent of a gentle, deadpan "g'night now go to sleep or i'll sell all your toys" for them. "get your head out of that oven or we'll bake you for turkey." "stop eating snow or i'll rocket your transformer figurine to the moon."

smaller kevin had used to smile at this type of empty threats, back in the days, knowing real well they were not actual threats but just the family's absurd little ways to say, playful, hey little buddy i care; just knowing real well he had them basically wrapped around his chubby little finger. but now he had seemed to forget all of that & was taking them absolutely serious, which of course made his dads visibly exasperated as the story progressed. and hurt. which they expressed with more exasperation. it does not help anyone

i must've given up halfway through outlining the thing (i had been very careful with polishing this my childhood magnum opus lmao)(one of many also unfinished young me's "manuscripts"), but in the end, (basically the 2nd movie's end... the journey was quite long) the emotional reunion happens, but instead of it being kevin & mom, it's kevin & his actual dads. it was quite corny, but as far as i remember, i gotta give it to my younger self, cuz the two still kept their own accurate gritty vibes as they did their little monologue. marv babbled on, then harry said the gist of it, making that "something" snap in kevin. there were some tears before they turned around & resolved in letting kevin just do as he felt was right, (going back to the mccallisters'), before he revealed that he actually wanted to leave with his dads, whom he was starting to remember (queue a cute fuzzy flashback where they're both looking at him with a proud smile while marv holds him up to help him place a makeshift star on the top of their raggedy xmas tree, handling it on way babier hands). it's all very happy & emotional.

i also was of the opinion that the other mccallister kids living under that messy mccallister household were still, well, kids, despite pissing me off, -i understood they surely were that way because of the parents-, so there was the chance that the kids, too, chose to leave with the two dads after kevin did, but that was more of an AU. 👽

unsurprisingly, my shit still is about gays and the faults of the system. it wasn't foreshadowing, i was always just like that.

take what you will from this post. i don't even know where i was going with this. gay christmas burglars i guess. season's greason's. shout out to my younger self & i'll always grieve losing that home alone gay bandit dads word doc alongside my grandma's entire windows 7 account

#it's almost Xmas #it's almost fucking Xmas #home alone #marv munchkins #kevin mccallister #harry lime #harry lyme #¿?#the wet bandits #the sticky bandits #crowbar shipping

When Harry met Marv - before #thewetbandits were who they were, it was just some punk teenager with a loud mouth and a 30-something criminal with a temper