So stressed right now it's unreal. And half of the time I don't know why I'm stressed?! I have so much to do but I'm too tired to do anything. But clearly not too tired to stress myself out even more and argue with people I don't want to argue with. It's 1 o'clock in the morning and I was hoping to be asleep by half 10/11. I have another 10 hour shift tomorrow which is going to be hell when I'm mega tired and on top of that my head hurts anyway and my vision is blurry half the time. Complete piss take right now. No matter what I have in my life or who I have, I can still feel like shit... (Something this year has made me realize) Ive got to stuck in a rut again and now I've forgotten everything good in my life. Kinda... I go to work and although I can be crap, I kinda love it. In a weird way... And I'm happy half the time. I smile... I genuinely smile.. And I haven't done that in ages. But I feel like I'm loosing it.. I feel like I just work.. I have no time to sit down down after work and focus on other things, I just need to sit and relax my brain. I have one day off and I just want to chill but have other shit to do. Now house work I don't mind because I put myself in that situation to move out and do it. But trying to fit different people in my life with only 1/2 days off a week and no real time for myself is hard. Especially when I just end up giving it to the same few people because some of the people I want to give it too, don't give it back. I feel so tired when I get home I could eat and sleep.. But then if I do I'll be wasting an evening.. Even though that's what I do just sat down anyway. I love everything in my life. And wish I had other things in my life. Some old things, some brand new things. I'm happy but I'm tired. I'm stressed and I need to take a step back and a moment to realize it all. Because I don't have anything majorly bad in my life... I'm just being a stress head about everyday things and things that I'll have to deal with again in the future. I've got so much to do but the first thing I need to make sure I've done before anything else.. Is make sure my mental health is ok. I need to take a step back and think of what I'm doing, where I am, and how I need to be or where I need to be, to then start working everything else out. I'm rambling about everything and anything here but that's why tumblr is for right? When you have no one else to rant too because sometimes you don't need answers you just need to let it all out. Like I think I've gotten so stressed over stupid things and not realized how stressed I've actually got until certain things start happening. Like the lump in my boob has come back; and I think that's a major sign of telling me to calm down and stop stressing. The fact I'm arguing with people and just wanting company but not having it because either I'm shit company/ people have fucked off out my life after telling me I'm so important to them (thanks guys👍🏼) or I'm being a stress head and pushing people away or they pissed me off over something? Like ahh!!! I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. But I'm taking 1 step back to just focus. I'm getting so worked up over something and sometimes nothing. I can't tell what's what right now though! I've come so far and I do things on a daily basis that I wouldn't have done last year or even last month.. Let alone a few years ago. And I'm so pleased with myself for doing it.. But it's something others won't see. It's something others won't be proud about... Actually sometimes it should be.... Because it's things I've been nagged about for the past god knows how many years... But really in the end the only person it benefits is myself.... I'm proud of myself and that's all the matters. I'm a cunt sometimes, that's nothing new. But I'm doing things I wouldn't normally do and I'm pleased I'm managing to do it. I have to think positive and sort my shit out. I could feel great if I just take this step back, focus and start reapplying my energy into other parts of my life. I can do this.