#haveyachts

[haveyachts]

Ten Great Things To Say To Your Butler

                      1. No.

2. Did you launder this cummerbund yourself, you dolt?

3. Christmas is only a holiday if you are Jesus. Look in the mirror. Go on, give us a look. Do you see Jesus anywhere? Do you? Dismissed.

4. I do believe this bisque is too cold.

5. I do believe this gazpacho is too warm.

6. I do believe your health care benefits are now optional.

7. Wadsworth, I have legally eliminated your given name. Having one name, however, does not give you the right to conduct yourself as if you were a Brazilian soccer player or Irish pop star. You are interchangeable with all previous Wadsworths.

8. You call that a Double Windsor, you clod?

9. DARE NOT LOOK ME IN THE EYES!

10. My footstool is broken Wadsworth, you will suffice for now.

[haveyachts]

Ruminations on Being Rich

As I always say, you don't get an end-of-the-year bonus if you have bonus employees!

[haveyachts]

Top 10 Helicopter Headaches

                                    As not many of us know, owning your own helicopter is massively convenient. How else can you inspire fear in villagers who have no way to fathom the technology you command (though they can fathom you will soon be plundering their resources)? Nevertheless, owning your own sky wolf does not come without its challenges.

  10. The Four Seasons has yet to construct a helipad worth mentioning.

 9. The dust the blades whip up can wreak havoc on an ascot.

 8. The repair and maintenance costs equal a small fortune. Fortunately, I have a large one!

 7. Helicopter pilots tend to be culled from the more rough-hewn sectors of society.

 6. The jealous, hungry looks you receive from the hordes of less fortunate who want nothing more than to be lifted into wealth by your luxury chariot of the skies.

 5. The obligation to build a four-copter garage.

 4. There is simply no decent place to buy a fashionable flight scarf in the Lesser Antilles

3. The inconsiderate nouveau riche who have no sense of proper helipad etiquette.

2. Have you ever tried pouring expensive bourbon while banking over a volcano?

1. The amount of disdain one can deliver toward the masses who cannot afford their own is not nearly the amount of disdain that the masses deserve.

[haveyachts]

Elite Social Network Does Marvelous Work

Normally, it is well beneath my station in life, or I should say “stations,” for I do own several major network TV channels, to jump into the social media fray. The lowbrow thoughts of plebian masses oft depress me, with their provincial photographs of caviar-depleted children and resorts scarcely sanitary enough for the natives that staff them.

Nay, I normally prefer the smug chortles and uplifting talk of orphanage consolidation I find in the brandied lounges of my cohorts. But Netropolitan may just be a social network worthy of my valuable hands. With a $9,000 entry fee (scarcely more than a light lunch at Eleven Madison Park) and a $3,000 yearly price tag, this network goes to great lengths to keep out those of you who are not me.

An absolutely brilliant concept. A social network that includes the one person I truly want to socialize with – myself.

Top hats off to you, Netroplitan. I wish you many years of myself.

[haveyachts]

A Sad Day in the Yacht Life

Do you recognize this gaggle of nouveau riche long hairs?

If you do, you're probably trying to dredge their names from a drug-clouded fog that the more prosperous clearly recall was the 1960's.

If not, it hardly matters. What does matter is the deplorable way in which they are treating this fine sporting yacht.

Their clothing is hardly up to the regulations of the rigorous "Col. Monocle's Yacht Apparel and Accessory Standards Committee." Yachting without their approval is tantamount to wearing ivory after Labor Day.

John's attempt at a jaunty cap might as well say, "I was conceived on an off-shore oil rig," while Paul's offensive T-shirt declares, "I can't afford my final rabies injection."

George appears to be suffering from more immediate symptoms of said rabies, while Ringo can barely handle the motor functions required to gesture at what is probably a filthy boardwalk dive called McJuggers Ale House. No doubt a location where you can cavort with public school teachers who would like nothing more than to drown their lives in swill and body shots.

And while I will admit that these four acid-addled hippies did indeed generate a sizable amount of money, there is absolutely no reason they need to trash the memory of this fine boating vessel with their unmanicured antics.

I write all of this while my much larger yacht gently weeps.

[haveyachts]

Snow Day

As I sit perched in my zebra-skinned armchair, watching the snow fall upon one of my vast estates (this one I call, Colorado), I can't help but think of those hearty, rosy-cheeked youngsters hustling to shovel the snow from their neighbors' driveways for a scanty buck or two.

On the one hand, I appreciate their moxy and hope there's a future Richard Branson or Kim Jong Un in their midst. On the other hand, I laugh at their reliance upon manual labor.

As one of my expensive Yale professors used to say, "Why shovel a driveway when you can have the help shovel off your helipad?"

Wise words from a wealthy man, haha!