Sep 15, 2023
Realizing you were put in their life to teach them what unconditional love was, and they were put in yours to teach you what self love is.
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Realizing you were put in their life to teach them what unconditional love was, and they were put in yours to teach you what self love is.
So my lips are healing from a bad burn (caused by sunscreen) and they're at a healing point where the skin on and around my mouth looks like a fucking lizard or something.
It’s weird how things are sometimes. Why is it that in every relationship I’ve had I’ve always given unconditional love but never received it. Always given love but always getting my feelings hurt in return. It’s funny how love works. He hurt me so bad and has traumatized me.. but I still love him, and care about him.. and think about him..and dream about him when I don’t know if he does and that’s okay… I don’t think it would be good for me to know. This just solidifies for me that love is the most powerful emotion in the universe.
A new conclusion has been made:
I’ve only ever been in love once..and I’m scared no one is ever going to love me again. I only know how to be loved one way, so If I date someone new I’m going to be consistently be comparing them to my ex, down to every nutshell just be use I don’t know how to be loved differently. I don’t know how to be loved without him, or with someone knew. I know I wouldn’t accept that “new love” the same as I did before. I don’t miss my ex because of my ex. I miss him because of the way he showed me love, he took every broken piece and held it all together, gently glueing me back together. I think that’s the reason I still cling to him, it’s because I’m still convinced he’s the only option.
He’s the only option, even though I know deep down we could never be together. We could try over and over again and it just wouldn’t work. I knew my needs and wants and he didn’t. He wants everyone to be a big happy family, and I don’t. I want my relationship separated from my friends and family because when it all comes together it gets messy. I tried to explain it to him and he never understood until the end, where I predicted our break up and how it was going to happen and he still wouldn’t have believed me. I tried. I tried the damn best I could. I offered support, I always over communicated, I swallowed my pride and apologized for things and did things I didn’t want to do but I did it for him, because he was the most important thing and I valued our relationship more then anything. It got to a point for him that I wasn’t worth it, or he’d tell me reassurance but never any action. If I am shown that I’m not wanted, I will not be there. I think the hardest thing about a break up and seeing them slowly not want to work on it, and fall out of love. It hurts being the one to break up because I was cornered and I knew he wasn’t going to do it. It hurts still loving him after all of the pain and hurt. I guess love is really the most powerful feeling. Of course- there’s lots of other reasons we wouldn’t work out.. but I think the main reason is.. we don’t want to change ourself for each other and that’s the hardest part, there’s this need to be true to yourself and your goals and ambitions as a young independent woman, and yet the need to conform into something else for love. It’s hard being independent in that way, it’s a standard honestly. Yes, you can fall in love but you can’t compromise anything because he should love you for who you are “don’t change for a man”! And no, you don’t need to grieve or cry over it, your respect for yourself will always be more important and higher then anything “so stop wasting time, he’s not worth it”. I think being hyper independent stems from not being open and vulnerable, while also caring too much about what other think about your personal life, I often feel my need and sadness for love is often attacked my by hyper female independence, which yes can cause a lack of team work and vulnerability and protection.I hope I can find someone where I don’t have to feel like I need to protect myself around… I felt like he wouldn’t compromise, or if he came back ( if you love someone set them free type thing) I don’t think he would want to change and work, and put in the work and the consistency and the taking accountability. I also want to make it clear that this wasn’t a one off thing, he’d apologize, and do it again. It was a pattern, and that pattern he chose not to break. I fought the world for him, but there comes a time where the patterns aren’t changing, the behaviour isn’t changing after talking about it and not being heard or validated, enough is enough. I still love him, but he doesn’t deserve it after how much he hurt me, and I don’t know what to do about that, because everyone deserves love. Even if it’s someone you least expect or didn’t want anymore. Everyone says I shouldn’t love him anymore because that gives him power. It gives him excuses and leeway to do anything he wants because he knows i’ll always love him and use it to his advantage. I will always be tied and attached and love him because he was my first love. As I am looking back on it since it was my first love ( it wasn’t for his and he dated more then me which gave us different outlooks) I understand now how I could’ve came off in certain ways in love intensity and commitment, but I wouldn’t have known and understood if we didn’t separate.But you live, learn and experience. I guess that’s life though right? Idk. I feel like we are soulmates that just can’t be together.
I’m lucky to have met someone who loved me like he did, it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced with someone, and something I’ll always remember and cherish. I’m lucky to have met a soulmate, even if fate separates us for immortality.
If our relationship was a trope it would be
“He fell first, She fell harder”
If our relationship had a cause of death it would:
“death by drowning”
The biggest pain in healing lately is, he loved me. He truly loved me and cared about me, and at some point.. I wasn’t worth it to him. He slowly decided to slip away, and hurt me constantly, and manipulate me. Today I’m feeling the mourning of being loved by someone, who for once in the beginning returned my love with the same intensity. It of course faded over time while my intensity stayed the same, and yes, that terrified him. But I think he still tried to love me anyway. I’m scared that I’ll be in that situation again, where I feel loved and I know I’m loved and the moment I accept it and feel stable, it fades like eraser to pencil marks. I’m upset that he loved me and chose to hurt me, he chose to not apologize or take accountability or want to work and cooperate. I’m angry that he gave on our relationship when all I saw was our potential and hope. I deserve more. I wanted him to want me. I’m upset that the person I truly learned what falling deep into love is, decided that I wasn’t good enough to be with or to work in our relationship. He used to, he used to always want to fix things and talk, he’d always want me to tell him how I’m feeling and vice versa, and it was like he just stopped caring. I’m grieving that. I’m sad about being given up on, I trusted him to not do that. Betrayal is a language he speaks frequently.
So.. today was the most hyped up day of the week for me and it got ruined. I planned on having a big sleepover slumber party with my friends, I haven’t seen them in a while ( one went on vacation and the other has been busy with school) so I was looking forward to it. We decided that for dinner we were gonna do a charcuterie board and possibly get some alcoholic drinks. I’ve only drank one time ( I’ll tell that story at another time because it’s a whole thing) but it was my first time having an actual alcohol. I also live in a small town, and we decided to go to a Walmart. I really like that Walmart because that’s where my ex and i went a lot, it was a great time.. and in my head as we were parking I had a gut feeling he would be there. I didn’t sweat it though and went in with my friends. As soon as I walked over to the produce I saw one of his friends, I met her before and she was really nice, so I was like “huh interesting she’s here but it’s nice to see her” right? That’s all. I start walking, getting food and groceries and I walk past an isle and there he is. Standing with her. I rushed past that isle and he didn’t see me, but I got the biggest pit in my stomach, it was like a shooting numbing pain from the inside out, I wanted to puke, pass out, run away, and scream all at once. I was trying to continue my shopping but I was alert and stressed and the whole time. Which can ruin a shopping experience if your only thought is to literally run away, or at least like not run into them. It ruined my day. This day I was looking forward to all month got ruined in literal seconds. I hate that I feel this radiation of anxiety and negativity. Yes, your going to run into people and yes that’s a normal part of life.. but so soon?? At the same time?? I haven’t seen him since the break up, and honestly I forgot what he looks like now and I plan to keep it that way. I went home and it took a long time to calm down. I pulled some tarot cards and they were telling me this encounter was on purpose, it was needed to give myself knowledge and wisdom. I’m on the right path and I’m being very successful with my choices. The saddest part is, if he saw me I don’t think he’d recognize me. I look completely different, I cut a lot of my hair,got bangs, gained weight, and have been a sad depressed sack of shit that has been the most insecure of my whole life. So it’s a good thing he didn’t see me, but part of me wished he saw me. I wish he got the same pit in his stomach as he gave to me. I wish he was going through the same pain I’m going through constantly, but I’m not allowed to say I’m not okay or feel my feelings because I have responsibilities and shit to do. I was able to make up for it and I had a good night with my friends but I keep thinking about it and it just feels like another stab into my heart. I got so upset that he was with a friend and I had to remind myself, why are you upset? You are here doing the same things, with your friends, it’s probably not that deep. I guess it makes me sad because he got closer to her and hung out with her when him and I went to shit. He would hang out with her alone a lot and not tell me who he was with, and make excuses. I’m tired of caring about him. I’m tired of re-thinking all of the drama in our relationship and loosing my sanity and hair out of it. I want to let go and I feel like I have, but clearly it’s ineffective or it takes a lot longer then I thought. Im just tired of this clouding my vision of myself and my health. I feel like I’m at an all time low at the moment and I don’t give a shit about myself. What I’m doing, wearing, eating drinking, hygiene all of that. I don’t know how to get out while also being able to feel the feelings. Because it’s either one or the other like I’ve talked in other posts.
I feel like I’m being swallowed alive. I feel ridiculous, why did I let myself love and trust when I knew it wasn’t going to work out, every relationship I have I always think it’s going to work out and I often joke about it so I don’t get hurt but of course, it’s always “ I love you, I’ll never leave you” but the moment I felt actually secure, that i didn’t have that thought, that I felt I could actually be loved and be in love with someone the world falls apart, it’s like he knew, he knew the moment i actually let him in he decided to detonate the bomb. Why did I trust my feelings and allow myself to love when I know how much it hurt last time and the times way before that. I feel stupid for allowing myself to think that I could ever be loved again when I knew it wasn’t a possibility. That inside I’m unloveable and a monster, in a happy mask. I feel very used and very abandoned today. I’m tired of hearing his name or seeing his photo, the person that knew everything that I would allow him to know hurt me in the way he knew it would most. I feel so used and sad, in my relationship with him I spent over 3,000 dollars just on him.. not counting dates,but special occasions and presents and holidays and “I thought about you when I saw this so I picked it up” I feel ridiculous, I feel sad that maybe he doesn’t appreciate it anymore and all of the open ended what ifs, what if he donated everything I put money and thoughtfulness into. What if he never appreciated them. It’s like stomping a heart and stabbing it with a knife over and over again and yes I know he kinda already did that but it still hurts. It hurts not knowing the answer but I have to think positively right? I have to think that all of these things happen for a reason. So why do I feel myself so stressed over the past? Why is it that I’m allowing it to effect my future? Why the fuck do I feel like my world is slowly collapsing behind me while I say I’m fine and I want to act fine but the moment someone mentions him it’s like a allergic reaction and gives break out that I just can’t get off. Why do I get the pit in my stomach and then think about it constantly. He’s gone. And I’m okay with that. I think I’m in the process of missing the memories, I miss the companionship and honestly I’m getting scared I’m not going to be able to feel that way ever again because I didn’t think it would happen with him, but it was just real. And I want to sit here and deny it all, but I loved him inside and out, and I loved him in my soul and my mind. And I’m gonna be honest I’m terrified that’s not going to go away. I’m terrified that if he comes back into my life I’m still gonna care about him and talk to him if he hasn’t changed, if he’s the same way I left him and there’s no improvement I’m scared I’m gonna fall back into that trap, but I also know my head won’t allow me to do that, it’s weird, once I get hurt, or the connection isn’t repaired, I loose all attraction, like the blink of an eye, and it’s hard because I’m worried love won’t be like that. There’s days where I don’t love him, and I’m not in love with him anymore, there’s not a connection, a warmth, a flame, but I don’t know why but it’s still in my mind. I might’ve mentioned this before but he works with my family. My family comes home and I get a earful about him and what he did and his day, and it’s a weird pain. Because if he has a bad day… it doesn’t make me feel better because it doesn’t boost me or give me anything positive because it’s not about me, but my family also doesn’t understand that it’s weird to bring him up? But they also just assume I’m fine and I’m okay and I’m strong, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m not strong, or brave or any of those things. I’m a scared child in a adult body that had to grow up too fast that overcompensates for that by being a strong, confident and independent person which honestly I’ve pretended it my whole life so it’s very easy to believe but when you pretend about something forever you start to believe it and it just becomes true after awhile.
does anyone else’s depression hit at night time? I can be fine… all day, until after midnight and then for some reason just.. all of the sad comes out. I don’t know what it’s from, or why, but it’s just tears flowing and that achy feeling in your heart and then the pit in your stomach and the shake and pain in your head from anxiety.
Why is it that woman have to always overcompensate in relationships- let me explain before I get canceled. Females, have you ever noticed the moment a man takes interest in you, or your talking/ flirting, and you go out a few times and you genuinely have a great time and you think you like him then BAM. A red flag, it’s something small but it bothers you… but you just push it away because “well there’s other green flags, and he seems nice” and all of this other stuff.. TO MAKE HIM LIKE YOU. I’ll share this story, it was the first few dates with my ex and it was great, he was nice, and polite and drove safe and all of that.. until he made a sexist joke, a border line woman hating joke.. and I say there and looked at him and I laughed. I CANT BELIVE I LAUGHED. Did I think it was funny? No. Did I agree with it? Absolutely not and I wanted to punch him after it. But it was fine right? It was only one joke. Then it became a few more.. my laughs decreased and I told him I don’t think they are funny- “but it’s just a joke” when it’s not, there’s an underlying misogynistic truth and some CLEAR toxic masculinity. He stopped doing it around me.. until we were with his best friend, and they would constantly still make those jokes.. and you know what I would do? Laugh. Because I wanted him to like me and I wanted to be polite even though he knew how I felt about it. So why do we do that? Why do we have to make men like us all of the time? Is it because we like the attention or feeling of validation? We tie into knots for no reason, and for some reason if there’s ever a red flag small enough we ignore it… and we continue our relationship with that person. Why is it in a relationship our standards start out so high, then begin to lower? But when we keep those standards then it’s “unrealistic” I’m feeling really defeated about that, yes.. my ex had some great qualities- but looking back on it there were so many things I literally ignored because my standards then came a little above bare minimum while also having my own wants and needs- while also THE BARE MINIMUM was so hard to accommodate or meet because that requires putting in the work. Why is it when it comes to relationships in my luck it’s always wanting to work for each other and save the relationship it’s always my partner just can’t do because “it’s not them, or who they are”. If it’s something small, even if you don’t understand why and can create a happier relationship and I’m bringing that energy to that conversation as well why not?- anyways, that turned into a ramble, but basically why is it that our standards lower and we hold ourselves fs less accountable while in a relationship then as soon as we get out it’s so easy to get over someone. As soon as you think of one red flag thing it just gives the ick and validates your self worth.
My healing process has been weirdly okay. Like I’m okay, I’m not sad, angry or disappointed. I don’t want him in my life. I’m content with that. I’m finding new ways to heal and keep myself busy while also taking care of myself. The thought of him or being with him gives me so much anxiety that it can send me into like a pre panic attack state. So now it’s how to get rid of the thoughts of him. I’ve done a lot of work on that but he will still pop in my head a few times a day. I don’t know why I’m as okay as I am. I loved him, I thought I was gonna marry him, but for some reason it’s like my walls go back up and I’m going to have some more relationship tramua and trust issues for the next partner. Which I’m not looking forward to having that conversation. I think part of me is sad that I’m okay. I don’t think I ever give myself to grieve. If I do, I know I will fall down a hole, and not take care of myself, if I don’t let me grieve then I don’t have to deal with it. If I give myself fake confidence and “badass bitch” energy I don’t have to worry about it. I feel like it can be such a toxic thing but it’s the only tool I have.