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Pre-Story Home alone (RL)

A few days ago I told about my story where I was left home alone and got nearly trapped in my own bathtub. But this story here goes a few days back in time. It’s about my husband. ________________________________ It was November 2020 and I left my home to visit for a few days my family / parents’ home to have a sleep-over over there. My husband seemed okay and with “good health” for his condition. He has a weak heart / heart insuffient, COPD, ICD and 5 bypass with a maximum heart pumping capacity of 40% due to a severe posterior wall infarction, which he barely survived. Before we met it was only 25 %.

He was stable this day so it was no problem for me to leave him alone from friday to sunday. It were not much time passed at the friday ‘til my husband called me on my phone. His voice was full of fear. He has an implanted defibrilator / pacemaker. If it’s jolting it happens only 1 time (most of the last time). But this day was totaly different. He called me because his defi jolted already 3 times. I was shocked, that he didn’t called an ambulance or doctor - he only called me to want me to come instantly over. For me it didn’t made any sense ‘cause I don’t have any meds or equip to stop his heart failure / heart attack. But yeah, he only called me. I asked my dad to drive me over to my home. I didn’t knowed what will await me. Would he be concious or unconcious? I don’t know. As I arrived, he sat in our living room. The next defi-jolt happened, already the 4th. His cardiologist told him he has to call an ambulance / emergency doctor if it happens 2 times in a row. But he didn’t. As I told him so he ignored it. He said he didn’t need them. I asked him why I had to come over because I can’t help and he didn’t wanted some professional help. It was confusing. He didn’t unterstood his bad condition. If he wouldn’t wear his ICD he would be dead now. It wasn’t clear to him.

Long time passed and I spoke a lot to him to convince him. Then I finally called ambulance and told them what happened. While my phone call it happened the 5th time. But he still wasn’t okay with getting help. Meant it wouldn’t be necessary. So stupid! If it’s something with his health he is like a little child who doesn’t want to hear any advice or something other. Ignoring everything. It doesn’t took long time until the ambulance arrived. They headed fast to get master of the situation. A emergency doctor came a little after. My husband was hooked fast up on the ECG. The doctor saw everytime when a new heart attack came in. And informed my husband about it. Then a jolt of his defi came. And everytime after a jolt he said “I’m fine, I don’t need to come with you to the hospital.” But it happened about 10 times! But every time the same sentences was spoken from him. I could only shook my head about it. Unbelieveable. Still ignoring the whole situation. He got a lot meds in an IV. But it doesn’t stopped his problem. So much stuff waas going on and they let me hold a infusion to stable him too. I was happy that the emergency / ambulance team was comforting and calming. My husband had still fear and me too. I felt always in the way like impeding their work. Noticing that the doctor had gotten my troubles. He always called me “princess”. It was somehow cute and maybe he tried to unstiffen this situation. And at some point I thought he could be a cardiophile. He said he likes to stay always near patient near the ECG “because it’s music to him.” Yeah, could be one. hehe This stuck a long period in my mind. Me wasn’t able to say any about it. Too shy. I traced a lot the ECG-lines with my eyes and maybe he noticed this too.

I rushed a lot through our flat packing his bag for the hospital. As I asked my hubby what he wants - he mentionend still his cigarettes. Yes, he was a long term smoker, for about 40 years and smoked a lot in his life. No matter what his doctors’ said to him. Doctor wasn’t happy about the want to pack his cigarettes and protested a lot. “No! You have to stop smoking! Get in your head that this could be your last moments of your life! It’s more than unhealthy for you! And you’re not allowed because Corona to smoke at the hospital!” My husband was very disappointed about it. He never wanted to quit smoking. But I gloated a lot about that. Finally he has to stop or wouldn’t be able to smoke for his hospital-time. It wasn’t clear how long he had to stay in hospital.

After the 10th defi-jolt and the infusion was all in they mobilized my husband. Luckily he was able to get himself down the stairs with a little help by the team. But me wasn’t able to go with downstairs. I handed the ambulance his bag which I packed for him - without cigarettes. (YES!) and sat down on the sofa where my husband was all the time. I cried a lot, called my little brother on phone and talked a lot to calm me down. This wasn’t what I expected for this weekend... I cleared a little the living room. There was a lot of trash from the used meds, syringes, packages from electrodes and so on. A big bunch of plastic.

Even days later I found a lot of trash from this evening. Almost a complete bag was filled with this stuff.

I felt so lonely and sad because I wasn’t able to do anything for him. And shocked about his ignorance. How could be a adult person like this?!

I didn’t visited my family again after this evening - stayed at home and cried. My planned weekend was over for me. My thoughts were only about him and my worries.. He was 2 weeks in hospital and needed an ablation of a heart channel which was causing a abnormal rhythm which was the reason for his heart flutter. But I had to do a lot of work for confincing him to do this small surgery. After that he had only one defi-jolt in August 2021 since then. And he still ignores his health issues. He has a sleep apnea. Didn’t want to see any doctor or hospital about it. “I will always awake and nothing will happen to me.” ....