Discover Top Posts Tagged with #heartache?

Quick someone find a cure for melancholy

I thought I was over it.

But do we ever really feel indifferent to the place that we call home on our temporary earth? For me, it’s a place I spent one year in... one that sometimes I can’t believe happen, and whose memories threaten to overwhelm my mind late at night.

I thought going back this year, albeit going to Cork, gave me good closure on my Ireland experience. A place I loved and lived in, but one, once I got home, that I felt I could leave behind and move forward with my job and life in the States. But explaining my life in N. Ireland today to someone who had just met me just pushed upon me a huge amount of longing that I haven’t experienced this year. The reverse culture shock that I lived and struggled with ever since I got back--and that had previously subsided--hit me full force, again, in my gut, in my heart, those two connected places where we hold things dear and feel the weight of important things.

And then, again tonight, as I read the blog of a woman I work with (volunteer basis, blogging) who’s a missionary in Ireland... the job I would have if I could choose my job, my life. I read her posts with almost a frantic urgency, as if THE SECRET for being able to live and work in Ireland and making missionary life possible was contained therein (it wasn’t). I want that! I want to go back! It made my Ireland compass hurt--pointing me true north towards the place, i’m always afraid, that will call me and I will hear but I’ll never be able to reach. The nightmare--running constantly after what i love, but always having it 3,732 miles ahead of me.

Faking it. This week, faking it--can I do it? Am I really faking it--maybe I just don’t know what I want and all I know I want is there, but what if this life here could be just as good and I don’t know that? What if my feelings are real and my desire to go to Ireland and beyond is legit--to other parts of Europe, to visit different countries in Africa, to see some of South America--but I can’t do it? It won’t be possible?

I’m discounting the fact that I’m supposed to be trusting in God. If these desires are legitimate, He knows why He put them there and He’s in control of my life, and I know I don’t have to be scared of what heartache may or may not happen in my potential future. He holds that.

and yet, the tears slowly drip onto my keyboard as images of laughing as I run through a sheep pasture on a cliff--my cliff, near my favorite beach--as I drive through the countryside to sing at a harvest festival with my family of believers--as I swing my feet over my city’s stone wall in the chilly air--and I wonder if they have all passed, for good.

#heartache?#I want to be happy about the future #and find that inner joy #how #I don't want to miss it as much bc no one else whose studied abroad with me does #they all moved #and I am living in the past