#hedgewatch

[busyboyfloyd]

Doing a late afternoon #HedgewatchForIsla today. My thoughts are with her, and with all the other cats that pass on too soon.

[hedgefairy]

Okay, I know, I know, it's already old news, everybody and their uncle in the costuming community has already talked it over, but anyhoo, I made notes when I crawled my way through effing Bridgerton and I will be damned if I don't vomit them onto this site. I have 32 pages of this shit, I'm not gonna throw that away.

I'm also typing this on my phone because I'm stuck on a trainride that's just doubled in length because this is the 2021 Northern German snow storm. What, there's snowflakes on the rails? We cannot possibly keep up our schedule, say goodbye to 90% of the connections.

Okay, on to Bridgerton, Episode 1

We're in Britain (oh, London, okay), allegedly 1813. I see people who are clearly meant to be asympatico, but is this size incusivity I spot there? Daring! Gasp! Me li...

Oh wait, no. The character is promptly shamed for her figure (which is mostly caused by the horrible cut of her dress. Every size can look great in Regency garb, but never mind, we need to make the "fat one" look bad!).

Also, no shifts under the stays. Why. There was obviously enough budget, don't tell me you couldn't afford a few strappy tops - it's not like the rest is historically accurate, so it would have sufficed to send some poor underpaid intern to H&M and get some. Nvm, that wouldn't be sexay.

Wait, is the garishly dressed (always a sign of a character of bad character in a costume drama) woman Delphine from Selfridge? Does she always have to play bitches? That's not nice, and just because she has a recognisable face, which by modern (read: americanised) standards is not favourable enough. Ugh. But I like the actress, so I'll let it slide (for now).

Lol, buttocks.

Not sure about the girls' dresses. Also, the Queen is a WOC, cool!

Oh no, one of the Featherington sisters faints! But that's okay because the Featheringtons are just comic relief and foil anyway.

I get weird incest vibes from the Bridgertons.

So the court is clearly 18th century and the show is set in the 1810s. I've by now seen several explanations for this decision, I still think it robs the Queen of reproductions of her actual historical gowns which were heavily inspired by the 18th century but so. Magnificently. Weird. It would have been so neat, and more of a "hey, I'm kinda out of touch with things" vibe, but hey, I'm not the one getting paid for making those taffeta gowns here (her hair is glorious, tho).

I'm very into the intro.

That Regency gossip girl is a real b, not unlike the Dowager Countess of Downton (unpopular opinion, I think she's pretty overrated, yes, I like Maggie Smith).

Again, no shifts.

Where do I know the "pragmatic" Bridgerton sister from? Ah, it's The Paradise. And Jonathan Strange. (Wait, she's my age. And she's supposed to be a teenager. Man, do I love a good Dawson casting. I like the actress, though, she has a face ™!).

Aaaah. We get it. She's the spirited one. She also doesn't care about dresses because she's not like other girls™. I really like her voice (but she still doesn't sound like a teenager).

The heck is up with Lady F's dress and that of her friend? Oh, yeah. Antagonist fashion.

Of course the Featheringtons are Horrid Hags™ aside from Penny who's nice, but the pudgy one (at least we don't get a case of "she's not conventionally attractive so she's bad").

Oooh, the cousin! Supposed to suck, but ofc she's a stunner, and only Penny (who's the nice one, remember!) is delighted to have her around. She's also a POC, which is nice but apparently that means she does not follow fashion, hair-wise. I would have loved to see some Regency hair on her, it would have been so pretty *cries in Greek updo*

Ugh, we're still in Ep. 1, typing this on my phone was a bad idea.

Lady Danbury and the Duke guy are delightful with each other (more POC! So neat!).

The girl the oldest Bridgerbro screws is apparently a singer, which isn't up to status for his doucheship, and she doesn't wear a shift.

The music at the ball sounds like something from the Top 40s, but I'm woefully ignorant of contemporary music charts so I can't tell what it is. I like it when they do that in historical-ish works, making well-known pop or rock stuff work for the ambience (ugh, that dance scene to Golden Years in Knight's Tale. My heart. In a good way.)

I dig the Ducktail hair of Penny's crush. Oh, wait, that's a Bridgerbro. I don't quite get why the hair trends of the time don't apply to the POC characters or extras, but seeing how most white characters also show a shameful disregard for the weirdnes and gloriosity (that's not a word) that is early 1800s hair (the 1830s take the cake, tho) despite those hairdos being basically designed for white people hair, I don't think I care much (well, I do, but about all of them). Overall the hair is horrid and not very 1810s. Let's just leave it at that.

Like a good old romance novel (I've since been told that Bridgerton is supposed to be a pastiche of such novels, but I really couldn't tell from the series, not at all, and I'm not inclined to read the books) we have

a pretty, kind, superpure daughter of the main family

the mean matriarch (could have been an aunt, too, but here she's the mum) of the rivalling or antagonist family

a spirited daughter of the main family (in most romance novels this would be our heroine but so far she refreshingly lacks a love interest and pretty daughter seems to get the most screen time)

a Horrid Suitor™

a Hot Suitor™ who doesn't want attention

a really good and doting good parent

Lol, misheard Greece for Grease with Ducktail Bridgerbro, whose name is Colin, apparently. This is funny because of his Danny Zuko memorial hair.

Overall a bit too much bling for my taste, and too few pearls. It looks like an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen with a Regency theme.

Of course the romance is going to be the Pretty One aka. Daphne and the Duke and he's even bros with her eldest bro. Wait, are they exes? I can haz bi? No? Aww, shucks. Maybe in another episode (spoiler: no).

Okay, WHAT is it with Lady F's dresses and hair. Like, she reminds me of Mars Attacks. Which, as you might remember, was not set in the Regency period.

Lord B (Bridgerbro the Eldest) sucks, he's screwing Opera Girl without any intention of marrying her but he's bitchy about his sister being ogled by his Eton (or wherever) bestie?

Oh, I'm in Hamburg now. And my train back home got canceled, so back to Berlin it is because there's not a single option to get to Hanover tonight, at least that's what the lady from the train station is saying, "oh well, you'll have to go back and try again tomorrow", so that's awesome...

Honestly, if it weren't so late and I didn't have things to do at home I'd find this terribly exciting.

Back to Bridgerton!

Where were we? Ah.

I can't even read my own annotation. Something about George III. I think I was upset about how they totally ignored that it's called Regency because George IV acted as the regent king, and he doesn't even feature in the series, I guess because they wanted to play up the Queen? Not a fan, because thanks to Horrible Histories I'm quite fond of that guy.

Again, no shifts.

Oh, look, it's Horrid Suitor™, destined for leftovers.

The Featherington cousin gets all the attention but no fleshed-out character.

Penny Featherington's dog is named Lord Byron, which ❤️

I like the Duke! He's there, drinking in his club (even though they're a patriarchal remnant of the past I have a weird appreciation for stuffy Gentlemen's Clubs, I blame Bertie Wooster and the Drones), calling Lord B out for his general fuckery.

Oh no, Ducktail Colin is more into the Cousin than Penny, who obviously pines for him!

Thank you, Lord B, for enabling Horrid Suitor™. Nobody asked you to be such a fucktwit.

The Queen is, of course, a bit of a bitch, but patronage from cool Lady *scrolls up for name* Danbury ensues for Protagonist Girl™ Daphne.

"I wish they had found a better trend language", what the heck did I even mean by that? That's what you get for just scribbling down notes while watching and simultaneously sewing. 18th century pants, in case you wanted to know.

Cousin is angry, probably because Lady F behaves like Cinderella's evil stepmother, because Cousin is prettier than her daughters and gets, like, all the suitors because Lord B bitched away everyone who wanted to get into Daphne's dowry ifyouknowwhatImeanwinkwinknudgenudge, right across the street into Cousins parlour.

The Bridgertons are annoyingly perfect. Ugh.

Oh look, it's "banter" between Daphne and Dukey! It's so Pride & Prejudice! It's almost a tiny bit Shakespeare! I put banter in parentheses because wow, nope, I'm not getting any chemistry here.

Uh, Lady B calls out Lord B (aka. her son aka. Bridgerbro the Eldest) for his screwery with Opera Girl and his outpimpery of his sister to Horrid Suitor™, buuuurrrrrnnn. He promptly calls of his affair with Opera Girl.

No shifts!

Penny gets to dance with Ducktail Colin at the thing! Good for her, but it's a country dance with jumping and fun, because she's a) the pudgy character and b) a Featherington, so it can't be something romantic and pretty (I personally like country dances, but they aren't protagonist dances).

Oooh, Cousin had her period, oh no, oh snap, oh she didn't, because she's PREGNANT! Shit, that's problematic, and not because she's an unmarried woman in the 1810s, but because she gets close to no lines at all so far, and suddenly she's pregnant and telling Lady F that she sucks for being privileged, violence ensues, this is ugly. Man, I get what some critics mean by "the POC actors*actresses get all the problems" and that not exactly being great.

Horrid Suitor™ makes property claims about Daphne, eeewwwww, thanks to Lord B's general suckiness, ewww, r@pe attempt ensues, was that really necessary? It doesn't really fit in with the rest of the series and generally nope, yay, broken nose! (which was indeed totally necessary). Nice one, and probably the only scene so far (spoiler: overall) in which I actually like Daphne. Dukey thinks a mean left hook is attractive, and, generally speaking, he's not wrong.

Daphne and Dukey come up with a pseudo-shakespearean plot to pretend to be totally into each other so she can attract suitors by being not available and he gets not to have fangirls by being not available, and as someone who has read a few too many historical-ish bodice rippers I know exactly where this is going. I mean, come on.

I can't see enough of the following choreography to complain about it. Man, I miss historical dance classes.

And that concludes Ep. 1! Finally! Thank you for getting this far, sorry for all of it (especially typos, it's the bane of unwanted autocorrect), I guess?

Update on the train situation: I've been told by the ticket control person that I shouldn't get my hopes up until noon tomorrow.

To be continued,

because I didn't take these 32 pages of notes for nothing.

[fluffybunnybadass]

UH-OH! Looks like Bella needs to pick up another shift at the Streamer Factory!

We'll see you in 11 hours for a second day of the Bellathon! We will be live for about 6 hours! Hope to see more of you!!

[hedgefairy]

So I'm stuck in Berlin, which, you know, it could be worse, but I really wanted to edit that 18th century breeches video. Anyhoo, now I have time and nothing else to do, so here's

Bridgerton, Episode 2

Missed Ep. 1? Here you go.

We start off with a birthing scene, is it the Dukey? It's the Dukey! Daddy Duke does some patriarchal screaming and Mummy Duke promptly dies, because of course she does, we can't have a happy childhood for the brooding hero, c'mon!

Dukey also has a mistress (present day Dukey, not baby Dukey). Is that Opera Girl? I have real problems telling these people apart, especially the Bridgerbros. I somewhere read that it's something that features extensively in the books, them always getting confused for one another, but in the series it just comes off as "these guys all look alike". Make it a plot point or something, but without it being acknowledged on screen this just screams "we didn't know how to make white brown-haired Regency bros look distinct"...

Where, Dreadlock Gent Extra in the background again!

I'm just not a fan of the colour coding between Dukey and Daphne, she basically does a Wendy Darling closet cosplay (don't get me started on that stupid hair... Yet) and he's all dark colours, it's all light female, dark male, even with their overall colouring (her being whiter than brioche and he being a POC) and character (she's a perfect angel and he's super broody) and I just don't dig it. Give me interesting shit, not this obvious sleeping aid! Also, Daphne doesn't even wear a spencer, girl, it doesn't look like it's that hot outside and you look like you're able out in your nighty.

Notes say "Horrid Featherington dresses, the spoon is def. not silver", which yes, antagonist fashion, and ffs, send the underpaid intern who didn't go get strappy shift Ersatz tops to a thrift store for some decent silverware. I can lend you some of mine, but ugh, really, its not that hard. The budget was obviously there.

Do we finally get plot? Eloise the Spirited goes walking with Penny and her hair just... isn't,and yes, she wants to go to uni (of course, because she's not like other girls™, don't get me wrong, YES, but I'm a bit tired of modern ideas being shoehorned into historcal settings because there is so much cool historical feminism and equality discourse and I'd love to see some of that in mainstream-ish popular culture), but Penny is very preoccupied with Cousin's pregnancy.

Of course Daphne's and Dukey's super clever ruse works like a charm, tons of suitors flock to Daphne's parlour. Lord B (you remember, her super asympatico brother who is a straight-up hypocrite) is super agitated about it.

Is that Dreadlock Gent in with the suitors?

Lord B continues to be a bitch about Horrid Suitor™ (who still has a broken nose which I very much approve of).

Oooh, shirtless boxing! AND gossip! Enter Lord B(itch) who of course wants to throw hands with Dukey. I really like Dukey's boxing bro, and the breeches. I want those! Well, I kinda made some, but the notes are from when I was just making them, so, err, yes. The notes also say "bad defense work, boring footwork" and I'm not sure if I meant Dukey or Lord B, but let's just assume it's both.

More Baby Dukey flashbacks! Daddy Duke sucks. So. Much. Let him kick an actual puppy already, we get it. Fun fact: When I hear Hastings (which is Dukey's last name, but I didn't bother remembering) I automatically think of the battle.

Yay, Penny visits cousin who's all rapunzeled up in her room for being pregnant. Turns out, lol, she got knocked up because church was so boring she started flirting with a guy and they totally hit it off (I'm not sure if it's canon, but I like to think they got it on in one of those confession boxes - idk if that's the term, I'm not catholic - or behind the organ or something juicy like that). Oh god, I hope they don't kill off the baby daddy because he's a soldier.

I refuse to believe in the existence of those high heels on the feet of that acrobat.

Lady B gets invited by the Queen and elatedly let's Daphne wear the family diamonds.

I just noticed that it's just Gossip Girl meets Pride & Prejudice. Ugh. I mean, that could have been a really good thing, but no.

Cool Old Lady™ (aka. Lady Danbury) calls Dukey out for dressing so drably. I like her.

"Make yourself terrifying" is a fucking cool piece of advice.

Oh, look, Dukey and Daphne are having fun while Horrid Suitor™ looks on, and Lord B tries to intervene like the little bitch that he is. Turns out Horrid Suitor™ is horrid inside and out and still insists that Daphne basically contractually belongs to him and I just don't have enough middle fingers for that shit.

We get another flashback of how horrible Daddy Duke is.

So the two women who are not into the whole (tiringly chemistry-free) romance thing are Eloise and Penny, one of whom walks like she's trying to emulate a seventy-year old with back problems and the other is the only non-thin person on screen aside from Horrid Suitor™ (and of him I suspect that it's to underline how very unattractive he's supposed to be). It feels all a bit very caricature-ish?

Horrid Suitor™, who has a shiner now from both Daphne and Dukey (I approve), tries to blackmail his way into marriage. It's just so laughably evil? What's this subtlety thing people keep talking about?

Wait, Eloise smokes? Yay! I mean, I don't encourage that, but in this case it's actual rebellion against the perceived ideal woman. Also, it explains her voice. Also, middle Bridgerbro gets a fucking line! WTF! I wasn't prepared for this! Their interaction is really sweet, I think its my favourite so far in the entire series.

Is the portly guy at court meant to be George IV? He's not. Aww. Also, cocain and/or snuff. Queen Charlotte is being ominous and braggy.

Enter Horrid Suitor™'s mum for gossip, because of course he's not only unsightly, of bad character, a sexual harrasment on legs and all the stuff, he's also a mama's boy. Which is bad, I suppose, because it implies unmanliness and being soft, which has so many unfortunate implications in itself. Ugh.

Cousin gets a line!

Eloise feat. bad "tomboy" hair (I feel personally attacked for some reason) and Daphne have a conversation about how they are super traumatised by their mother giving birth to their siblings.

Some of the background dresses look really bad.

Dukey and Daphne switch to first names, that's SO ROMANTIC! Aaah, the chemistry! (no.)

Ooooh, so Dukey not marrying is his revenge against Daddy Duke. His bloodline dies with him. Also, he just hadn't met Protagonist Girl yet, so it would have been such a waste, right?

And this concludes Ep. 2, which had surprisingly little in terms of annotations. I could delve more into the unfortunate implications of Horrid Suitor™ being a mama's boy but I'm still writing all of this on my phone and I need a break. So,

To be Continued.

Probably soon, because the trains still aren't going.

[hedgefairy]

I made it home! Finally! And you know what that means: I can finally type my Bridgerton notes on a keyboard rather than my phone. So nice. Okay, let's go!

Bridgerton, Episode 3

We start out with a tf are these dresses and hair, is it prom season again already? Oh, it's a dream sequence. I'm not sure this makes it any better, though.

Not sure if disturbed by the over-the-top romance or the dresses.

Penny is checking the mail for her cousin, I still wager Baby Daddy is dead.

I'm not versed enough in modern mainstream music, the soundtrack is completely lost on me. I've taken to listening to it while I edit these notes, though, because it's nice, I've gotta give 'em that.

Can we please get decent hair on the female leads? Daphne looks like Audrey Hepburn dressed up as Wendy Darling, and Eloise's is a clusterfuck I have to admit I would have worn when I was a teen but that's not a good thing, you know?

Surprise, all of Daphne's suitors aside from Dukey are inacceptably unattractive, stupid, boring, you know the drill. We can't have anything standing in the way of twu wuv, how preposterous to even think that there might be another attractive guy in all of the greater tri-state area London area (except, of course, the Bridgerbros).

Enter Prince Freddie. He's adorable! He's cute! Can I get a spin-off, because we all know that he's just a momentary distraction that doesn't stand a chance (because twu wuv).

Opera Girl and the Dressmaker gossip about Lord B (just dump him, really). "Paragon of Dishonour", I love it. Opera Girl now has her eyes on Dukey which of course won't happen because D&D are endgame, and I can't even roll my eyes enough to show how I feel about all of this red-string strangling business.

The Bridgerton siblings not having any idea how to handlea kitchen is prime comedy tbh and probably one of my favourite scenes of the entrie series.

I don't even know what a shift is anymore.

Super deep, probably sexy painting interpretation ensues.

Lady F continues to be a bitch about the cousin, but I can't really blame anyone here. Cousin got shipped off, the Featheringtons don't have money and are getting paid for her to be there but nobody told them about basically getting a scandal for free. I get why everyone is pissed here.

OMG masturbation is discussed and it's not being made fun of, seen as something less, or bad or icky!!!! I can't! Aaaaaaah! No, but seriously, we need more of that. Do I wish someone else had taught Protagonist Girl about that than her twu wuv interest? Sure. But hey, that's a huge effing step in the right direction!

Middle Bridgerbro and Eloise have some really nice dialogue, more of that, please.

Daphne discovers masturbation and I'm here for it. There's not enough positive portrayal of self-pleasure in media, we need more of this. This is probably the only paragraph in this whole series that is completely free of spite and sarcasm from my side, I really mean it.

Oh no, heartbreak™ in EP 3 already? But she just got herself off to him, that's not fair!

I hate Daphne's hair decoration.

Back to Opera Girl and a surprise Lord B (dump. his. ass.)! I also wish this show had more body diversity. Sorry, but having one plus-sized character who is also ridiculed for it doesn't count. You didn't even really try.

It's a letter from Spain! It's Baby Daddy! He's not dead?! Oh. He's breaking it off, the bastard, oh shit, oh no, it was all a ruse from Lady F! Sneaky, she still wants to marry off Cousin but has to get rid of the twu wuv thing first. I mean, it's not the worst plan ever except ethically?

I don't want to, but I automatically get bored when the Queen appears. I just don't feel like she adds a lot to the show, overall (aside from Rococo opulence)?

Cousin's dress is not really my jam.

Where do I know Prince Freddie from? *looks him up* GoT? Wait, he was in Pitch Perfect? I don't remember that. Time After Time! He plays H.G. Wells there and back then I though, oh my, what a handsome lad because I mean, he's just so adorable. I'd love to see him as an affably evil villain some day.

And that concludes Episode 3. For some reason the desktop version of Tumblr won't let me write more than that, so back to the phone we go. Anyhoo, this is

To Be Continued,

and if you missed the other Episodes, the tag is Hedgewatch

[hedgefairy]

Bridgerton Season 2, Episode 1: Here we go again (why)

After giving up on my recaps of season one because there are more fun things than thinking about this clusterfuck I thought I might as well try again with season two. I'm watching this while sewing, so we'll see how much of it will actually register in my brain. Fun!

Before I even press play I see the eldest Bridgerbro emerging from a lake with his thin white shirt clinging to his body. I'd like to have that muslin, please, but also, somebody was obviously obsessed with the 2005 Pride and Prejudice in their teens, eh (I had a friend like that, too)?

Oh, look, a recap. Let's establish again that Eloise has no manners because she's not like other girls, that Lady Whistleblower is a thing, that Daphne is the most boring sex offender ever (eugh) and that Simon is a hottie with mediocre writing. Also, the Queen is a bit of a bitch (can we have some George IV, please? He was fun!), Bridgerbro A has all the ~responsibilities~ and can't live up to his fullest fucktwit potential (he does try, however) and there was that Fake Pregnancy Tragic Jealousy Youngest Bridgerbro-Marina-Unfortunately Dressed Girl Love Triangle arc thing. I forgot almost all the names, it's gonna be great.

Let's skip the recap, it's boring and I have fabric to cut.

So we start out with Eloise emerging (beautifully, of course) from her chambers in her debut-meet the queen-be declared a diamond of the first water dress, but the maids seem really distressed. Nobody cares about the staff in this series!

The queen quips that she hasn't heard a word of Lady Whistledown since last season. Clever! She also comes to the groundbreaking conclusion that Whistleblower is probably someone from the upper class! As if the staff didn't have better things to do, even if I'd be fully satisfied with someone spilling all the tea on their superiors, I'd watch that.

We're back in the Featherington household who's in mourning, because Lord F got shivved back in Season 1. This doesn't make the dresses less un-fucking-flattering on Penny, because now there's no pattern to break up the surface, but I am spotting a nice Halloween orange-black stripe on one of her sisters, so that's nice (it would have been nicer if Penny could have had some of that, too).

The eldest Bridgerbro has had a haircut and looks far less Regency-ish now. I'm disappointed. Now he's boring as well as a horrible fuckboy. Eloise gets rescued from being introduced to the queen and deemed less of a diamond than Daffy by the newest gossip girl post Whistledown letter being carried in, and the monarch is far more into the society's dirty laundry than watching a girl squirm in a formal setting.

And this thirst for tea concludes the first episode, accompanied by a "Dearest Gentle Reader, did you miss me", which I should totally adopt for these re...

Oh, wait, there's the intro. That was only the first six minutes.

Welcome to Bridgerton, Series 2, I guess.

Dearest Gentle Reader, did you miss me? Also, can I just have a series on the adventures of the street urchin (or course, polished in disney park-esque Bridgerton fashion, no dirt anywhere, not here, no, gentlefolks) who delivers the Whistleblower Gossip Girl leaflets?

The actress of Penny gets to break out her native Irish accent - if you want more of that, give a listen to Whistle Through the Shamrocks, which she also co-wrote and co-produced - while we get to see behind the scenes of the Lady Whistledown operations. Turns out, the Irish maid of Lady Gossip Girl actually does care about the lower classes. Nice.

Back at the Bridgerbore House we see Eloise, who must be seventeen or so at this point and is played by someone of my vintage (cool, I could still play a teen, that's so reassuring!), endure dance lessons with a twelve-year-old as her partner. Aren't there enough older brothers around that seem to have nothing better to do? Then again, with Regency dances, the height doesn't matter anyway. I'm just happy to see more of the younger Bridgertons, because we don't really know them yet and they might prove interesting enough to get invested.

Followed by some exposition where Ducktail Colin is hanging out at the moment, apparently he's chilling in Albania. Eloise's hair looks so much better this season! On the other hand, Lady B's dress looks like a Seventies house coat, and not the good kind.

Antony is holding auditions for a wife. We get - pretty people pleaser who keeps adding to her potential number of children to win the guy's approval - overwhelmed 1940s time traveller - harp lesbian who doesn't read -probably not the 80s coiffed blonde who's bed he's just getting out of (he's got a nice ass but gives bad tips) - about fourteen year-old polyglot overachiever (is it problematic that she's played by an asian actress?) (you can do so much better, girl) - someone who actually has a face and prefers a quadrille over him - a girl who is pretty creative and even MAKES HER OWN HATS CAN I DATE HER WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM BRIDGERBRO? - another non-elegible badly tipped sexworker (brunette) and that's it. He seems quite anal about it and he has a list of questions. And he actually has to work to keep up the estate for once, which I find an adequate punishment for his existence as a whole. This tires him out so much that he has to have a somber trot around the park in the early morning hours (after tipping badly). This is when we see someone who obviously knows how to handle a horse gallop across the glen, but because the person is wearing a skirt our Bridgerbro instantly thinks she's having trouble with her car mount. She's obviously into the chase (and we love a hooded cape-on-horse situation) and, I admit, very fucking hot. Wait, is she that one girl from Sex Education? Makes sense, she was already super pretty there.

She's too cool for you, man.

Also, stop mansplaining.

Apparently Too Awesome For Antony (who's name seems to be Kate, but I'll keep referring to her as TAFA) is a guest of Lady Danbury's, together with her mother and younger sister. Bridgerton is a very dad-less series.

She has a corgi (negative points for Danbury for looking at him in a non-dog-adoring way). Named Newton. She's definitely too good for the fuckbro.

"Her Majesty is most... discerning, you understand" Translation: "She's a straight-up bitch, but she's fun to gossip with" - Lady Danbury

TAFA is 26, which makes her an old maid in the Bridgerverse, but she's too awesome to care, and I hereby vote on her staying single, or, if she desperately must wed the Idiot, her divorcing him shortly after and continuing being cool on her own with only casual very bisexual adventures. Yeah? Yeah.

She's also a super supportive older sister and they seem to have a really sweet bond. That's what I want to see, thank you! TAFA keeps telling Danbury off for thinking anything less than stellar of her little sister, which I think is such a boss move - Danbury is cool, don't get me wrong, but she's a bit of a meddler and not informing herself of the girls' education is a gross oversight that I feel is a bit out of character for a schemer like her?

We get some bestie time with Eloise and Penny, and while Eloise's hat is weird (what is it with the midcentury stuff this season?) I kind of enjoy playing them off each other's characteristics. Also, mourning doesn't seem to be a thing outside the Featherington house? Is it over already? How long has it been? What is Time?!

Speaking of the Featheringtons, their lady's maid still looks like a cheap copy of Downton Abbey's O'Brian. WTF is up with that.

TAFA and her sister attend the first ball of the season. There's the Vitaming String version of Material Girl playing in the background, ironically so, because just a minute ago TAFA told her sister that fortune and title are no useful pointers to a partner's qualities. Danbury, however, does the song justice and basically draws up a financial spreadsheet for all the eligible bachelors and widowers she can find.

Enter the Bridgerblerghs, I enjoy Benedict (can he get some screen time and a boyfriends, please), Eloise is okay, Antony I don't like and Lady B is embarassing him by shouting about the room that he's in need of a wife. Parents, am I right?

Apparently TAFA's and Edwina's mum has some sort of scandal attached to her because all the evil mothers (which, of course, excludes Lady B) are gossipping away at her sight. Oh gasp, she apparently married a commoner who already had a kid (TAFA, that you?) and her parents totally disowned her for that, at least mentally.

As a side quest we get Lady Featherington being not-so-subtly bitched at by the parents of the guy wooing one of her daughters, including jabs at her short mourning period (the colour of her dress is stunning for her, I have to admit). She's playing the Recently Widowed card to get out of them asking for her daughters dowry (maybe not the place for that, in a public place and all, can't you make appointments for that?) which she can't pay because she's broke because her husband gambled everything away and then got shivved for it and not she's got to wait for some unknown distant cousin or somesuch to take over the estate and the paying of things.

TAFA and Edwina get introduced to some stuck-up looking guy who's about twice the length of Edwina (there's also a dude with unruly red hair who seems to always get the shorter end of the stick, we'll see if he gets to be more than a background joke). Danbury and TAFA keep bitching at each other (well, the bitching is mostly on Danbury's part) while we get some exposition on societal rules.

Somewhere between the curtains that lavishly decorate the location Penny is casually eavesdropping on gossip for her next column. Eloise drops by, pursued not by a bear but two suitable young men who would read every wish from her eyes if she didn't rebuke them. She apparently just scribbled Lord Byron or other celebs onto every line of her dance card, which I think is funny, and I'd like to see that encounter.

All the while, TAFA is already looking kinda sadly at the guy she is TAF, and while he's outside with his frat bro fellow bachelors (the phrase "wed, bed and bred" occurs and I feel a bit sick but it would be a shame because I had really nice cheese cake for breakfast) she is, of course, also stepping out. We've all been there at parties, trying to casually stalk a guy we much later realise we're much too good for. TAFA overhears this horrible bullshit and still isn't appalled because Bridgerbro said he wants a wife with some brain and wit, and because hormornes suck she's probably thinking something along the lines of "hey, that's me!". She trips over something, he hears she's there and it's all rather uncomfortable and a bit cringe. However, she tears him a new one for being a sexist idiot and thinking that anyone who meets his standards would actually want anything to do with his sorry ass.

Nice.

She compares his character to his horsemanship (which is sufficient) and leaves him standing there like the complete idiot that he is, and of course he's intrigued now. I mean, who wouldn't be, but does it have to be that guy? I'd be okay for her to marry Benedict, even if I still have hopes for him to be queer! Just not Aaaantony.

Back inside we have some more Eloise and Penny, and while Penny wants to sneak off on Gossip Girl business Eloise tells here that she's happy to have her and with her never has to be alone. If that's not a hidden sapphic confession I don't know what is. Just let her be a lesbian? Please? Can you spare some queerness, sir? *begs in London street urchin*

Benedict is a brat to his mum and I love him for that.

The aftermath of the ball (which TAFA left in a hurry, probably because the eldest Bridgerbro is an idiot) is narrated by Lady Whistleblower, and we see said Bridgerbro burning a program of the opera singer he still dated last season who had not been mentioned again.

I'm so annoyed by the whole "diamond" business. What is this, Topmodel? Just as annoyed and bored are the youngest two Bridgertons who I hope go and run away with the circus because that's always fun and I think we could use some of that aesthetic here. Oh fuck, no, that's not the two youngest, it's Eloise and Background Joke Bloke, he just looked so nervous that I mistook him for her twelve year-old brother. Poor boy. Fittingly, he goes off to play marbles with the actual two youngest in a corner, good for him!

We also see the return of the milliner/dressmaker with the fake French accent from last season. Didn't Benedict have a thing with her? Yeah, he did, and she's not interested in rekindling that. He continues to be a brat to Antony, rightfully so. More of that, please, the guy needs roasting.

God, I hate Antony so much. "I'm looking for perfection", yeah, but Perfection isn't looking for you, so sod off.

While in the Bridgerton household people are annoying but happy, the Featheringtons continue to struggle, with Lady F even trying to sell Penny's books. The middle sister keeps pestering Penny about what she's writing and is generally insufferable, and we learn where the Whistleblower pages are hidden (it's a floornboard).

Lady Danbury is a smoker. She is also telling TAFA that she knows all about her morning rides and accuses her of an ulterior motive in coming to London. Also, yes, TAFA is the commoner's daughter. Turns out, her step-grandparents will provide for her mother and her sister's dowry, but only if the latter marries a good English lad with a title because they still have commoner trauma from their daughter. TAFA rants on how she would, if she could, marry for her families safety and how English tea is horrible if you grew up in India. Danbury seems to be able to respect that and sets out to scheme Edwina into The Diamond *da-da-daaaaaah* It certainly doesn't help that the queen apparently took the girls' mother's departure from London all those years ago as a personal insult and continues bitching at her.

Benedict continues to be a lovably sarcastic fuck as Eloise fumbles through her introduction with the queen, accidentally making a good impression. Afterwards the queen bee (Cressida!) and her cheerleaders come to her and Penny's uncool kids table to woo her into becoming one of them, but Eloise proclaims that she's rather die. Penny and her share a nice moment in a field of daffodils which I distinctly remember from my childhood as being full of ants, so that must be uncomfortable. Penny almost confesses to being Gossip Girl and Eloise talks about how being perfect Daffy's sister is no fun at all. The scene is lovely, and I get it when Penny talks about being invisible and that being fun, too. Also, that's a really cute dress on her for once, I love the stars! (Also strong roommates vibes, I approve.)

What I don't approve of is the switch back to the ballroom and the queen. And the season's diamons iiiiiiiisssss... *drumroll*

EDWINNIE! Good for her!

The look of disbelief, relief and love that the sisters share upon this announcement is so cute, they play this dynamic so well, it's a shame that Antony Bridgerton is in this show. Who can't do anything but step up and insert himself in the scene of Edwina shaking hands with the queen because of course he wants to marry ~The Diamond~ even though she looks like she's fourteen and scared. And their first fucking interaction is him asking her about her thoughts about having fucking children, what the fuck is wrong with you?! God, this all seems so wrong.

In lack of a father (again, everything is very dad-less) older Bridgerbro needs to get the blessing of Edwinas sister to marry her (five minutes after meeting her for the first time, this is some Disney princess level bullshit right there) who, as we already know, is none other than TAFA.

Some cringes later the camera switches to the Featherington home to show a pile of old shit, hat boxes and taxidermied bears which, to be honest, could be mine. The new heir has finally arrived.

He looks like a grown-up, handsome Michael Cera?

And he's funny. This is the stuff I want to see!

For once Lady Whistledown and I are of one mind when she calls out the ludacrisy of the whole diamond business. And with this rare occasion, the episode is finally over.

Good for you if you made it to this point! But beware, it's...

...to be continued

Rating: Three diamonds out of a liquor cabinet

Series I'd rather watch: - Dishing Out and Serving Tea: Downstairs Gossip Girl - The Adventures of Little Pip, distributer of scandal - Penny & Eloise - Scribble & Sleuth - something where Eloise and maybe Penny meet Lord Byron