‘I’m head deep in the sand’
Ryan* said something that touched me today.
He was quiet all session, not participating in activities or talking much either. Tanisha* asked a question. She said ‘do you think you have a strong foundation?’ I raised my hand, with absolute conviction that I am standing on God’s Word and knowledge of who He is. But Ryan said he thinks he is living on sand. He said he’s head deep in the sand. Auntie Tanisha asked him whether he was willing to share. He considered it for a second (I’m not too sure whether that was a move to be coo, removed and nonchalant like Basil The Freshest Boy, or perhaps he truly was considering) and resolved to talk about it. He said that he has many questions that make it hard for him to accept things. He said he struggles with knowing things for certain because he finds it hard to accept things. Therefore, he is living in sand.
The mathematician in me was thinking the former does not imply the latter and you certainly can’t use the double implication signs! Being in a place where you have so many questions is a beautiful place to be. It happened to me and I am so grateful to God that I went through that phase and came out stronger and absolutely certain that God is King. He died for me. That I can live in the freedom and glory that He gave me. I can say with conviction that ‘I know that I know that I know that God is good’. I can worship without feeling like a hypocrite or a liar. It took me around 2 years to get there, but we’re here now.
I would walk around with a list of questions on my phone notes. I had a list of scriptures that didn’t make sense to me. I never understood why God acted in the way that He did with Job. And there are still things and questions that I have. But I need to hold onto what I have with complete tenacity and faith. I hate the devil and will not let my questions translate into drifting away from God. Never. Anna* had questions too. But hers weren’t answered. She didn’t seek the answers with all her heart. Partially that’s my fault, I didn’t help her. But God is faithful and leaves the 99 for her.
If your questions are accompanied by a genuine desire to know the answer and faith that God can answer them, that’s incredible and a part of the Christian walk. But at the same time, don’t stray like Anna did, honey.
Ryan, just know that you’re not in the sand just because you have questions. You’re close to a transformation. It’s a hard and maybe even isolating place to be. But there are people there to talk to you. There are people there that love you. There are Christian sources of advice from both men and women of GOD. You’ll get to the place where you know that you know that you know that God is good. I pray that you know that’s what’s coming next.
*names changed xx