#helen2007bby

[ceruleanmusings]

I had a thought about why Alan was mad about Mickey "sleeping" with Brett. Mickey denying that she slept with him might made Alan assume that Mickey thought that he was dumb, like how everyone else did. Or he thought that Mickey had faked her personality and was actually a horrible person, idk, but that's just some thoughts I had, I love talking to you about this fic and I can't wait for the next chapter!

You hit the nail on the head, actually!

Alan knows he isn't the smartest guy round so it's a sore spot for him for anyone to actively think he's dumb. He doesn't like being reminded he doesn't have a lot. Seeing Mickey in the state she was in around Brett afterwards made him essentially go 1+1=2 so he came to that conclusion based on "evidence" and got mad that she was seemingly lying to him because he's not dumb. He was told by someone at the party she was looking for him specifically, then he turns around and sees them "together" so, in his mind, she didn't actually come to see him. Even though she did and Brett took advantage.

So first she "lies" then he thinks everything he knew about her was a lie. The only thing he could do from there to get away from the hurt and betrayal he felt was to make her hurt worse.

Plus, he was somewhat inebriated so he wasn't thinking clearly anyway.

I love talking to you about it too! Send any thoughts you have any time!

[ceruleanmusings]

What do you think would have happened if Mickey never went to camp green lake and squid came back from camp green lake after it shut down?

oooh, that's a good question! i'm going to write this out as a sort of "mini fic" because a) i can't write anything short and b) this'll help me organize my thoughts.

mickey would got the rest of her sophomore year of high school alone. she'd still verbally confront brett but not physically so she wouldn't go to jail for it; she'd ask to finish her year at home not being able to handle him brushing her off and getting into a fight with alexis at the same time. while home leslie, then wren, gets into contact with her and they become somewhat friends after discussing what happened and lean on one another when they have rough days. sometimes they hang out and take her daughter to the park.

sometime after that, during summer break, squid would show up at her door right before mickey takes her usual summer trip to georgia. mickey would invite him in (well, they'd sit on her porch 'cause she can't handle him being back in her home like normal) and it'd be strange and awkward and they wouldn't know what to say but eventually she'd bring up how she heard the camp closed and ask him how he is. he'd deflect like he usually does but ask her the same.

she'd explain she's been better but she's happy she's getting some time away and space from her town is what she needs to figure out if she actually wants to go back to their school. squid tells her he hopes she has a good trip and goes to leave, stopping to ask if he wrote her would she write him back. she doesn't give an answer either way, instead shrugging and goes back inside.

she goes to georgia and spends most of her time picking and selling peaches from the farm, eventually getting a short letter from squid which she initially doesn't reply to but eventually does. they fall back into their typical routine but with the undercurrent that they're avoiding a big conversation.

she comes back, at this point he has a part time job at the corner store he used to frequent. he's also gotten back into taking pictures after saving up enough money to buy his camera back. they meet up after one of his shifts and they ask how each other's summer was and he reveals he went to summer school so he could keep on track to graduate after that year, sharing he decided to try and become a marine biologist. she's proud of him for both getting back into art and for pursuing his previous dream; she decides she wants to either be a SANE (sexual assault nurse examiner) or a victim's advocate so she can be there for people like her. he tells her he's proud of her as well. he then invites her to go to a commercial screening for his camp friend and she brings wren along.

squid initially is a little irritated because mickey and caveman get along quickly after meeting but he lets it go. wren gets close to magnet when he spends his time helping her with her daughter (i headcanon he is the only boy with five younger sisters). after the success of the party, they all decide to go to the end-of-summer fair.

while there they run into brett who goads squid and taunts mickey until squid goes to punch him but mickey beats him to it. like a reversal from when they were younger, squid cares for her injury which prompts mickey to kiss him. alone, they finally actually have a conversation where they air all their grievances and own up to their mistakes and agree they want to give being together a shot. because of their communication and time apart to grow as people and forgive themselves for their past and past behavior, it starts off on a healthy foot and go strong.

[ceruleanmusings]

Hi, I really enjoy your fic Inconsolable and I wanted to ask a few questions. Was squid the one who wrote whore on Mickey's locker? And do you think that squid would have forgiven her and made friends again if what happened between her and Brett was consensual? There is a part of me that is still confused about why squid was so mad at what happened with Brett, I mean, Alan isn't a virgin, so why be mad at Mickey for doing the same thing? I hope you update soon. Keep up with the good work!

hi! thanks so much! i'm glad you're enjoying my fic!

no, squid wasn't the one to write on her locker. (this isn't super important but it is a bit of a spoiler: alexis wrote it). he'd never write something like that about her, no matter how angry with her he gets.

it would have taken some time, but yes eventually he would have forgiven her if it was consensual because it would sink in that she's been there for him and given him so many chances for all the messed up things he's done/all the ways he's been a bad friend, it wouldn't be fair to keep that hanging over her head. plus, he doesn't own her and he has a tiny touch of a madonna complex about her but he gets/he'd get over it.

squid gets mad over what happened for a few reasons. one being he's a dumb teenage boy so what he's really mad about he can't verbalize so he takes it out on her (plus, it's the 90s, girls were always the ones having fingers pointed at them while guys got off scott free). two, he loves really likes mickey, despite them not being friends at that point and not being able to accept his feelings, so "seeing" her with him crushed him. three, brett is his friend but it's a friendship out of convenience; even then, he doesn't like that brett has gone after two girls he's liked* (one being leslie, the other mickey.) four, he's so used to people being "better" than him (financially, socially, intellectually, etc) that, thinking mickey used him as a stepping stone or looked over him like everyone else does made him mad and hurt him. you're right, he's not a virgin so her doing the same thing shouldn't matter but, well, people, especially teens, can be hypocrites. it what makes him human, even if he isn't right.

thanks so much for the questions! i love this fic and being able to talk about it! i don't get many opportunities to so questions like this mean a lot. funny enough, when i finish the fic i planned on having a q+a chapter at the end for people to send in questions (if they wanted to, just an idea), and hoped to use ones like this to clear things up or add extra info. i have sooo much background info for this fic i feel i want to put somewhere.

anyway! if you have any other questions, feel free to ask!

*note: this gets brought up and explained in the chapter 41, which i'm currently writing.

[ceruleanmusings]

Was the reason that squid was mad at hickey for what happened with bull when he snuck into d-tent because of his trauma with his mother? When he was a little kid under the bed? I understand now why he was mad at hickey for what happened with brett because he thought that she used him, but for bull I'm still a little confused. With what happened to his mother, does he associate physical intimacy as dirty therefore viewing mickey as dirty because of what happened with bull?

good question!

yeah, a lot of his behavior stems a lot from his mom (and by extension his dad). he has a strong love-hate relationship with his mom, the little boy part of him still adores her and idolizes her and wants her to be how she used to be. but the older part of him hates how she kept making bad decisions and putting him aside for her vices no matter how much he tried to help her.

so some of it he does have a bit of a "she's so pure and innocent" view to her and he didn't handle that she's a full grown person, some of it is 90s misogyny, some of it is victim blaming, most of it is him being mad at himself that he wasn't able to protect his mom or mickey but projecting it outward.

he doesn't necessarily view physical intimacy as dirty, he's slept around a fair bit himself so that'd be hypocritical, but in his head "good girls" don't get mixed up in what she ended up going through. and to him, she's the pinnacle of being a "good girl".

it takes a bit for him to deconstruct that damaging viewpoint.

[ceruleanmusings]

Hi, more questions! I doubt it was, but was Alan the one who wrote the disgusting request in the box? I remember magnet saying that he shouldn't have wrote that note. Do you think the kids at school who bullied mickey are redeemable? We know alan didn't necessarily bully her at school after what happened with brett so it makes him a little easier to redeem. But what about everyone else?

hi! welcome back!

1). no, it wasn't him. it was matthew/bull. he'd never write something so gross about mickey. all he did was write the suggestion of "getting a pencil that doesn't break" (or something along those lines) and then broke the pencil and put them both in the box. he got caught and then was sentenced to washing dishes for a week. (i didn't come up with it though; this was taken direct from the survival guide book to keep canon continuity running in the background of the fic.)

2.) some of them are redeemable because they fell into typical high school social climbing pitfalls but the others aren't. it's very easy for teens who are looking for their place in the world to go along with what everyone else is doing to be accepted and have a "group" to be around. it's easy to turn against one person to keep their status and their standing. the ones who have some sort of conscience will, hopefully, grow up and realize what they did was wrong and try to make some sort of amends for what they did. the rest? they don't care. where do you think alexis falls?

[ceruleanmusings]

Did you have a hard time writing Alan's redemption arc? You really made me hate him at the start lol.

ahahaha, that means i wrote him well 'cause i hated him too! 🤭

but no, it wasn't hard for me. i always knew where he'd end up, getting him there in a way that felt understandable from point a to point b was my main goal. i needed his choices and reactions to make sense for him as a person but also not be too bad because i still wanted people to root for him to get his happy ending.

alan/squid is my fav d-tent camper, hands down. i always wanted to write him getting the support and loyalty and love he deserves, so he was never going to be a dick for that long. mickey being there made him remember his actual reality and have to deal with having a mirror held up to his face.

he has a lot of self-loathing and self defeat and depression that influences his behavior but he slowly grows out of it to be where he is now. he's not perfect but he's better than he was at the start.

thanks again for these questions! i love getting them; you give me a lot to think about!