#heliosworks

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I personally love this photo I took

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On Saturday we were in a butterfly sanctuary and I used this opportunity to play with my new camera. The shots turned out beautiful and I'm happy with the results.

I wonder what will it take to really go professional? Anyway, butterflies are low key creepy, have you seen their multiple legs? SpongeBob especially had an episode on how creepy it is. However, gained a love and appreciation for them after taking these pics.

The biggest butterflies seem to have frayed wings, like they've seen wars or they they're really old. I wonder if they could speak what would they say? Especially the blue ones and their representation of rebirth.

[cloudpudding]

Review on... me

To be quite honest, I made so many friends on Facebook and Instagram, I havent looked at my Tumblr. I'm not as social as I seem, but I find people across the seas to be interesting. But I deactivated these social platforms cause it can waste time. But in doing so, I've flocked to my ghostly Tumblr that I once had my heart placed unto.

Here I sit in the dark, Christmas lights aglow, twinkling in little clusters to provide ambience to this big home I moved into not-so-long-ago. I toyed with Youtube music in order to have some music, I settled with a meager Final Fantasy sleep music --I am however not impressed.

I missed having late night me times that I once dutifully preformed when I was younger. I felt in tune with myself, what was all-at-once waves of inspiration, epiphanies, and discoveries. These days I sought to distract my mere existence with Reels from Instagram --I refuse to get TikTok perhaps due to my old age.

I'm getting old, Tumblr, what the fuck. I've changed so much. Where am I even going with this life? I still don't feel grown up. I am so sleepy, but even writing this has made me reflect more on myself, and that is a good thing. I am still --somewhat-- proud of who I am. Even if I dont know what the fuck i'm doing.

[cloudpudding]

Often

I have to speak to the bank about our money orders for work. Because of this I regularly email them. I've built a friendship amongst all the bankers in time. In doing so, I decided to make my emails to all the workers fun. I decided to give word of the week emails.

Day one:

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Freaky Friday

verisimilitude - ver·i·si·mil·i·tude

vərəsəˈmiləˌt(y)o͞od/

noun

The appearance of being true or real.

10/06/17*note: Apparently this is a philosophical concept. Is one false theory closer to the truth in comparison to another false theory?

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I’m falling in love so fast, i’m completely taken aback.

Should I even be scared? I mean there are so many people who think that it’s the one, and the inevitable break up happens. But i don’t stick around people I feel is poisonous or would make me miserable.

It hasn’t even been a year, but everything is so right. We mixed and mingled our friends, we have healthy conversations, and nothing feels like poison. And I know you’re thinking this is just another oogling session, but --but today out of all days I just feel so glad to have met Kevin. I’m overflowing with joy, and it feels warm and euphoric.

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Self Care

He joked around about moving in with me, I laughed it off and remarked “haha, that’s so funny, of course you can’t move in with me. That’s hilarious!”. My mind was flooded with a rush of emotions, I couldn’t comprehend the idea of moving in together so early. I had didn’t have a clue if he was joking, but I knew how I felt; and I wasn’t ready to be domestically involved with my partner so early in this relationship. 

There are too many people who rush things early on in their relationship, and then everything falls apart in just an instant. It isn’t that i don’t trust my judgement in his character, and do believe that he is right for me. 

He is everything I ever wanted in the most healthy way possible.

I just know that my personal journey is just starting in this late age. There is a pathway that I walk, that cannot be shared. It is a time where I truly get to know myself. I made many mistakes, and I’m owning up to them. I’m trying my hardest to rebuild a stable, bright future --after realizing that I can’t be solo for the rest of my life. I want to love someone, and be able to stand as an equal, therefore I can’t rush this relationship.

Make no mistake, this post isn’t just about you, my lover and friend. This post is about me, and taking care of all my insecurities. This is about taking care of myself, and reviving that confidence in me.

[cloudpudding]

Cure This Boredom

I’m restless, and I’ve run out of all activities to do. Like usual. I literally don’t know what to do with my free time, unless it’s to spend with Kevin, or Street Fighter. There is only so much video games before this guy stops, and desires something more constructive. In order to get rid of this boredom, I decided to express it through blogging. Quite honestly, I just wanted some kind of physical evidence that i have poured my feelings into some kind of outlet other then my significant other. Perhaps due to the desire that I can see something i could be proud of --which is-- to say seeing more posts that i write. Of course, my tumblr is personal I do whatever I want --but with the off chance, I can learn how to write. Tumblr is a place where  I have a reason to express ideas to share to an audience --in this case, you who is reading this. 

My laziness will be the end of me, since if I’m bored, i don’t know what I can do. So I hope to focus my efforts in writing. It isn’t the writing itself that I care for, but the talking to myself that can lead to epiphanies or simply plant ideas inside this peanut brain of mine. 

As I do this, I leave on the background The PBS Idea Channel. Man I love that guy, so easy on the eyes, and the things he talks about is so interesting. Now if only Kevin will text me back before my anxiety levels sky rocket through the roof.

[cloudpudding]

Chapter 5

I’ve come to the conclusion that this year will be different than most other years. Already I see things shifting, I’m absolutely unsure exactly what the future holds, but I already know the people I’ve met, the jobs I occupy, the way I think is beginning to come into fruition. 

I’ve not kept up with two jobs this long, ever. I complain that it’s taking a toll on me, but honestly it’s not as bad. Some nights, I may get little sleep, but I have time to relax on certain days. I never take extra days to work, and I make sure I eat breakfast as well as maintain a fair social life. It’s not glamourous --but hopefully it pays off, with the accumulation of money. 

I’m working on a passport. I know some people react differently to traveling --many people expect to change and become a new person just because they travel --which of course isn’t really always the case. I’m not expecting to become a whole new person when I set foot on a new land. But I know I have a infamously sensitive heart, many people travel so much but still seem like they cling to their homeland, like they’ve never left the place. I sometimes wonder if that would be me.

I can’t say for certain that I would be any different.

But the little I travel will be made up with the the quality of my visit.

I’m frickin leaving this place this year.