❝ — connor? ❞ markus can't help himself, smooths connor's hair back from his forehead, soft and sweet, pulls a thumb along the plane of his cheek. (connor never tells him to stop, and that has to be a good sign.) they've made camp for the night, just outside of redcliffe, and the light of the fire makes the sun emblazoned on connor's forehead burn so brightly that it blinds him. ❝ are you warm enough? hungry? thirsty? were you hurt at all today? ❞
CONNOR REMEMBERS LOVING MARKUS, once upon a time.
he can scarcely remember how it feels, because he doesn’t feel anything. but he remembers when he felt at all. and he knows he must have, for markus to still love him so fiercely. markus is always soft with him, always affectionate, has yet to give up on him, while connor has not once reciprocated, cannot manage to feel anything in return.
he certainly doesn’t mind his company. and he knows that when markus uses his magic, and he has those brief moments where he feels, he can’t even bear the thought of leaving. but while he is unfeeling, it is only logic that decides he is better off remaining with the other mage ; because markus will protect him. feed him, keep him safe and warm. connor knows he can do these things on his own, but it certainly is more efficient for two people to get the job done.
markus smooths his hair, caresses his cheek, and if connor could remember now how to feel he’d want to lean into it, to hold onto markus for dear life and never let go. somewhere deep, deep within him, he might want. but all he does is sit straight, stare plainly ahead at the fire. and when markus addresses him, there appears the barest hint of a smile upon his lips ( he finds it generally eases people’s discomfort around him ).
“ i am fine, ” he answers, one - note. “ i sustained minimal damage, nothing a potion couldn’t fix. though, i suppose it would be wise to eat. ”
markus dotes on him, insists on caring for him. connor does not feel much, but there’s something within him that resembles confusion, perplexed by the man’s behavior. he knows why he does ; markus loves him, and connor once loved him in return. but, what confuses him is ------
“ you’ve never given up on me, markus. ” an observation, first. “ why is that ? do you believe that one day i might no longer be tranquil ? ” he no longer stares at the fire, but right at markus, as though trying to look right into his soul. as though if he does, he might find his own once again.
“ does it matter to you that i still am ? i quite like the way i am. everything is ... ” easier. he can’t bring himself to care too deeply about the consequences of his tranquility being reversed. few things matter as much to a tranquil as survival. and connor thinks back those moments where markus casts his spells, and he briefly feels. there were more emotions than connor could begin to understand --- much of which were of pain.
as far as he can tell, there is a fair chance that reversing his tranquility could wind up killing him. especially if they’re not careful about it.
still: connor may not feel much, but he knows that he still trusts markus. he knows that he would never try to hurt him. that doesn’t always mean he ultimately won’t.
“ tell me, markus. do you believe reversing my tranquility is worth the consequences ? ”
