When my lover first told me he didnt love i did not believe him. I tried looking prettier, i tried spicing up the bedroom, i tried cooking his favorite meals, texting and calling less. I tried. I tried so much i became tired, insecure, jealous, angry, i started to feel unworthy and isolated. I cut off everyone he didnt like and I stood home alone at night just so he can come home at night to a place i rushed him to be in. He was always busy with the world and made me feel as if he had no time for me. I unknowingly and then uncontrolably became a nagging girlfriend. I wanted to be his one and only and yet i was just one and lonely. I kept asking him "are you sure you love me? Because I dont feel it." He pointed out everything in me he despised until i ended up despising myself. Wanting him more then i wanted me... Imagine... loving someone more then you love yourself ..and that person turns around and tells you "I love you... but ..no im not in love with you, no not no more. Youre too much for me."
I cried, like I got depressed i had to call a friend. The universe started handing me things I needed and knew that I deserved but didnt have the skills to get. That opened the doors for me, getting out my comfort zone. Facing my fears as scared and tensed and angry as it makes me. I faced my fears and it led me back home where I grew up. Everything felt perfect and right like a glove that was knitted to fit my exact measurement. I felt what I havent felt in my entire relationship.. the misty rainbow I saw was literally because of my storm. I was crying on my bathroom toilet it was midday mid weekend my boyfriend just dumped me and i ended up doing things i have never done before.
So thats my advice to anyone going through any type of heartache. My advice is doing something you have never done before. And remember that one yes, one opprounity can lead to a whole journey you never imagined. And sometimes that yes is different then you expected because you still holding onto that no. The doors closed, dont be like me sitting by the door crying. Walk down the fucking hall and find your open doors, get out your comfort zone of misery and find a new comfort zone of joy. Blast some music. Pray read the Bible! It helps! My morning anxiety is the worst. But great things happen when you call on God.
I cant wait to start dating. I miss my ex but I do also miss feeling wanted, pretty, worthy, i love the txt msgs n phone calls! Pic exchanges 😜! But i loved my man even more. If he is in love with someone else only time will tell but I cant wait around and find out. I waited too long. This is Life and life is a gift. God bless 💕
CHAPTER NUMBER/ONE SHOT: 18/??
WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: Actor Tom
OTHER CHARACTERS: Benedict Cumberbatch
PAIRING: Tom Hiddleston/OFC
GENRE: Hurt/Comfort, Drama, Romance, Teen Angst, Coming of age
FIC SUMMARY: Norah is a troubled teenager who is secretly and obsessively in love with her sister Sarah’s boyfriend, Tom. Sarah constantly worries about her younger sister, who is struggling with depression and anxiety, and one night, after a long evening at a charity event, Tom decides that he has had quite enough of Norah’s at times reckless and what could be considered rather selfish behaviour. He reveals a new side of himself as he desperately tries to help Norah break her vicious circle of self-destruction and open her eyes to the beautiful things in life. Could he be Norah’s knight in shining armor? Or will his efforts prove to be all in vain? Is his mere presence actually doing more harm than good? Could he ever love her the way she loves him?
WARNINGS: This story contains potentially triggering subjects such as Depression, Anxiety, Self-Harm, Self-Destruction, Eating Disorders, Talk About Suicide and Suicidal Ideation. It also deals with the subject of Grief and contains Previous Character Deaths. Other potentially upsetting subjects this story contains are Spanking Fantasies, Sexual Fantasies, Masturbation, Dirty Talk, Age Difference and Age Play.
If you are having a hard time and think that stories containing any of those subjects might have a negative effect on your wellbeing, I advise against reading it and wish you the best of luck. Please, take care of yourself.
FEEDBACK: All sorts of feedback is highly appreciated. Every note, comment, reblog and mail I get makes me really, really happy. It’s always very interesting to hear what you think of my writing.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Thank you so much for your patience. I know it’s been a really long time since I last updated this story, but I never truly gave up on it. Life just got in the way. I’m really sorry about the inconvenience and hope you enjoy the story. Love, F.
Chapter Eighteen: Everybody Has a Little Darkness in Them
Norah ate reluctantly in Tom's company. He kept smiling encouragingly at her from across the table whenever she looked up from her plate.
"You look tired," she remarked causing him to smile at her.
"So do you," he replied and motioned towards her plate in a reminder to eat. Norah sighed and took another bite of her sandwich. "Would it make it easier for you if we talked while you were eating, or do you prefer silence?"
"The silence makes me more anxious," Norah told him.
"Okay. Then we'll talk," Tom decided. "Actually, there's something I've been meaning to talk to you about for some time now."
Norah froze. He knew. That must be it. He knew about her feelings for him. “Okay,” she mumbled nervously in response, mentally preparing herself for rejection.
Tom pulled out a neatly folded paper from the inner pocket of his jacket and handed it to her across the table between them. “Do you remember this?” he asked.
Norah confusedly unfolded the paper. She was both relieved and disappointed once she identified it as the agreement they had written and signed several months ago. Part of her had really wanted to come clean to Tom about her feelings for him, even if that meant getting rejected. The other part of her was relieved not to have to tell him just yet. That way she would be able to keep pretending that there was a slight possibility that he in fact might like her back.
“Right, what about it?” Norah asked, beginning to feel uneasy upon skimming through the list of things she had agreed to. She had not succeeded particularly well on any of the points on the list. “I failed, is that what you want to tell me?” she asked bitterly as she handed back the list to Tom, afraid that she would otherwise rip the paper to pieces.
“You haven’t failed, Norah,” Tom objected and smiled reassuringly at her as he unwillingly accepted the paper back into his hands. “I’m proud of you for trying so hard, and I want you to know that your efforts are not in vain. It’s so easy to slip up and fall back into old habits, but as long as you keep trying, you haven’t really failed,” Tom insisted. “You have made progress, Norah. You have changed, both Sarah and I can see it, and we are really proud of you. The important part now is that you don’t give up, but keep fighting. We both believe in you and just want what’s best for you.”
Norah looked down at her hands in her lap. The cast on her left hand was glaring back at her, filling her with guilt. She certainly hadn’t made herself worthy of all this praise.
“But I’ve let you down,” Norah objected, automatically shaking her head at him, rejecting his words of encouragement.
“No, you haven’t, Norah. You’ve made me proud,” Tom kept insisting and pointed to the paper. “Look, I never said this would be easy, and I never said you were expected to change overnight. Now, did I?” Tom questioned with a gentle smile.
Norah shrugged and blushed a little as she recalled the night when Tom had taken it upon himself to become more involved in her care.
“I guess not,” she mumbled self-consciously. Tom nodded towards her plate, and she took another bite of her sandwich.
“You’ve made progress on nearly all of the items on the agreement,” Tom said, pointing at the first part. “You haven’t been hurting yourself as frequently as you used to. And I can tell that you’ve really been trying to fight the urge to do so. Like the other day in the bathroom when I found that razorblade on the floor. You didn’t use it, even though you wanted to.”
“But that was only because there was no point in doing it. If you would have caught me cutting myself, you probably wouldn’t have let me leave the house so I could-” Norah heard herself begin to explain before she finally remembered how to stop talking. What the hell was she thinking? Why would she ever want to remind him of that? To make him hurt? To remind him of how untrustworthy she really was?
“... so you could kill yourself,” Tom finished for her. His voice was low and grave as he spoke, and Norah could feel his piercing eyes on her, but couldn’t bring herself to look up to meet his stare.
“I…” Norah trailed off. Her mouth remained slightly ajar as she struggled to find the right words; the magical words that would make it alright again. “Fuck,” she finally muttered frustratedly when her mind failed to come up with anything better to say. “I’m sorry,” she then added, deciding that apologising would be the way to go. “I’m so sorry for putting you through all that.”
“I know,” Tom replied in a gentle tone. “And I’m sorry too. I really wish I hadn’t let you out of my sight. I felt in my gut that something wasn’t right, and yet, I let you go.”
“But nothing happened,” Norah reminded him. She looked up to meet Tom’s sad blue eyes and felt a lump form in her throat. Why did she have to be such an idiot and bring this up now? Why couldn’t she just have accepted his praise instead of reminding him of why she wasn’t worthy of it? Norah shut her eyes and covered her face with her hands as she thought about it. Why did she always have to mess things up?
“Hey, don’t be sad,” Tom pleaded and got up from his seat to sit down in a chair next to her instead. He proceeded to place an arm around her shoulders. When Norah began to sob, he pulled her into his lap and wrapped his arms around her from behind. He leaned in to softly peck her on the cheek, before proceeding to whisper into her ear. “I’m not angry with you, Norah. I know it isn’t your fault.”
Norah took deep, shaky breaths between her sobs, and leaned back against Tom. The sensation of his warm body against hers was mostly comforting, but also somewhat unsettling. She felt guilty; for everything she had done to him, and for everything she wanted to do to him. It simply wasn’t right; none of it.
“It’s going to be alright,” Tom promised sweetly when her sobs had begun to subside. “It's all going to be just fine.”
Norah couldn’t help but snort as she reflected upon her own behaviour. “Here I go again. First I make you hurt, and then I start crying myself so you have to comfort me. It’s messed up.”
Tom laughed softly and hugged her harder in response. “I don’t mind it. Perhaps I’m comforting myself by comforting you... and perhaps some part of you knows that.”
“No, I assure you, I’m just selfish,” Norah laughed dryly.
“I don’t believe that,” Tom insisted. “If you were purely selfish, you wouldn’t cry because of bad conscience.”
“But I might have faked tears to make it appear as though I’m the one to feel bad about, rather than the other way around,” Norah pointed out, before sighing deeply.
“You’re such a dork,” Tom uttered spontaneously and lovingly, as though he had been talking to Sarah. Norah had heard him use those exact words on several occasions to show Sarah his affection and express his adoration of her quirks. She could feel Tom’s body go tense underneath her for a brief moment as he seemingly realised his mistake.
“Says the dorkiest person I’ve ever met,” Norah retorted, desperately hoping that Tom wouldn’t realise that she had noticed anything. She was relieved when she heard Tom’s characteristic laughter.
“So,” Tom finally said, announcing that he was back in business. Norah slid off his lap and sat back down next to him. She chewed her lip thoughtfully as Tom presented her with the paper once more. Norah read through the first item on the list and realised that she had broken all of the things mentioned. She pushed the paper back into Tom’s hands.
"All in all, you’ve been eating better, save for the last week…" Tom said and motioned towards her plate yet again. Norah sighed and took another bite as he continued to speak. "And you haven’t been drinking at all, if we don’t count your little night out with Ben,” he pointed out to her, letting his index finger trace the words on the paper. Norah smiled sheepishly until his finger paused on the next sentence; ‘Also, I will not put myself in any unnecessary danger.’
Norah’s heart sunk as she read the words. She felt ashamed as she recalled the moment when Tom had stood beside her on the edge of the cliff.
“Norah, I know this is hard for you. But I really think we should talk this through,” Tom told her earnestly. “Can we do that?”
“Fine,” Norah muttered and reluctantly took another bite of her breakfast. She really wanted to be done eating by the time Sarah got back.
“Good. So how many times would you say you put yourself in unnecessary danger last week?”
“Do we really have to do this?” Norah questioned, crossing her arms defensively.
“I want to make sure we’re on the same page,” Tom insisted.
“Fine. Twice,” Norah mumbled.
“Would you be so kind as to clarify?”
Norah snorted at Tom’s way of phrasing the question. “You sound like a dusty old professor,” she muttered, luring a smile from him. “But sure, I’ll clarify. I guess you could consider it putting myself in danger when I fell into the water, even though it wasn’t on purpose. And, well, the other one is pretty obvious, don’t you think? Otherwise I wouldn’t be here right now.”
Tom nodded and looked at her solemnly. “I see,” he said. “How about drinking alcohol when you’re on pregabalin? Wouldn’t you consider that dangerous?”
“Prega- what?” Norah asked confusedly.
“Pregabalin, the active ingredient in your anxiety medication,” Tom explained.
“Which one?”
“Lyrica, the one you take every day.” Tom smiled as Norah made a face at him.
“Ah, I see… And since when did you become a fan of neuroscience?” she asked brittly, embarrassed by the fact that Tom knew more about her medical treatment than she did.
“Well, I did some research because I was a bit concerned about you taking so much medication,” Tom revealed. Norah looked away as she smiled abashedly, moved by his gesture. “Anyhow,” Tom continued somewhat awkwardly. “It’s not good to mix Lyrica with alcohol because they both depress the central nervous system. That’s probably why you were so out of it and couldn’t even walk by yourself.”
“Oh,” Norah uttered when realisation hit. “So that’s why I got so drunk? I thought I had just been drinking too much…”
“It was probably a combination of the two,” Tom pointed out bitterly. His face had grown more serious and his jaw a bit tense. "And the fact that you had barely eaten before your little drunken adventure."
“Are you angry with me?” Norah asked confusedly.
“No, I just wish you would take this more seriously,” Tom replied, giving her a significative look.
“I am,” Norah assured him. “I just think you’re overreacting a little. I mean, it’s not like anything happened.”
“Not this time. But what if Ben wouldn’t have been with you?” Tom questioned seriously.
“Then I probably wouldn’t have gotten drunk in the first place!” Norah defended herself.
“Fine,” Tom sighed. “But can you please promise me you will be more careful with alcohol and medications in the future?”
“Okay,” Norah agreed sourly, a bit put off by his paternal manners. He really didn’t have to take it upon himself to tell her off about those things, as far as Norah knew, it was Sarah’s job.
“Good,” Tom replied dryly, and Norah could tell by the look in his eyes that he didn’t quite believe her. He broke eye contact with her to have a quick look at the paper. “If you look back at the last two weeks, can you think of any occasions where you might have put someone else in a potentially dangerous situation?”
Norah sighed deeply and glared darkly at Tom. She considered the option of refusing to discuss things any further with him, but then realised that Sarah probably would pick up where he left off. The mere thought of having this discussion with Sarah instead of Tom made Norah cringe, because she knew it couldn’t possibly end well.
“Yes. That old man could have gotten hurt when he pulled me out of the water, and you could have gotten yourself killed when you so foolishly insisted on standing so damn close to the edge of that cliff. But here’s the thing, I never asked any of you to help me in any way,” Norah told him irritably. “I think you’re both fucking idiots for saving someone who doesn’t even want to be saved.”
“Oh, Norah. I… I didn’t think of it like that. I was just thinking about the plastic bag you threw out the car window…” Tom explained warily, seemingly regretful of having upset her once more.
“What?! You’re still going on about that?” Norah asked in disbelief and found herself wanting to laugh and cry at the same time.
“I’m sorry,” Tom apologised heartily. “I didn’t think of it like that.”
“So you were seriously still upset about the bag out the car window incident?” Norah asked incredulously.
“Well, I guess that’s another thing I just wish you would take more seriously,” Tom replied abashedly and awkwardly reached back to scratch the back of his neck.
“It’s not that I don’t get it, and it’s not that I don’t care,” Norah explained. “It’s just that it feels like a pretty ridiculous thing to make such a big deal out of since nothing happened.”
Tom smiled at her. “I guess you’re right,” he unwillingly agreed. “Should we continue with the list?” he then asked after a moment of silence.
“It’s not my favourite thing in the world to do, but I’m guessing you won’t take no for an answer,” Norah replied with a shrug.
“You’re right about that,” Tom agreed and smiled briefly at her. He didn’t seem to particularly enjoy this either, but he was clearly keen on following it through. “I’ll try to be quick,” he promised and resumed reading the words he had typed several months earlier. “I know it’s hard for you to ask for and accept help from others, but Sarah and I both think you’ve made progress with that. We’re really proud of you and hope you will continue to get better at letting someone know when you’re not feeling well.”
Norah blushed and looked down at the paper in Tom’s hands. She didn’t know what to answer to that so she just hummed awkwardly to confirm that she had heard him.
“About this,” Tom motioned to the third item on the agreement. “You seem pretty attached to your phone, and yet you fail to answer texts and calls. Why is that?”
“You’re always calling at a bad time, and I can’t text when I’m in the middle of an instance,” Norah replied.
“An instance?”
“When I’m in an instance I’m playing with other players, so I kind of have a responsibility to pay attention to the game since we’re all cooperating,” Norah explained.
“I see, but you’re not playing computer games all day long, are you?” Tom wondered.
“No,” Norah sighed “but you tend to call whenever I do.”
“So call me back or send me a text whenever you’re done,” Tom said.
“But I forget,” Norah mumbled.
“Or you don’t want to remember.”
“No, mostly I actually do forget,” Norah insisted.
“Okay,” Tom said. “But can you try getting into the habit of checking your phone every now and then when you’re not busy doing something else?”
“Okay,” Norah agreed.
“And when you’re going out, at least let someone know where you’re going,” Tom reminded her.
“Fine,” Norah muttered. “But you can’t expect me to bring my phone when you’ve taken it from me.”
“Of course not, but if you would have told me where you were going I could have given it back to you,” Tom replied.
“Provided you would have let me go out in the first place,” Norah commented bitterly.
“Precisely. Not going out whenever you like is kind of a major part of being grounded,” Tom pointed out. Norah sighed and rolled her eyes at him. “Did you know that in the past, eye-rolling was commonly used as a form of flirting?”
Norah felt her cheeks grow warm from embarrassment. “Well, I can assure you that I’m not flirting with you!” she huffed at him.
“Oh, I, I didn’t think you were, I just find it interesting how things change over time,” Tom assured her, getting a bit flustered himself. “Sorry. We should probably just keep going. I’ll try to be quick.”
Norah smiled at how Tom’s cheeks had gone from pale to rosy within seconds.
“I guess you’re working on this,” Tom mumbled as he skimmed through the fourth item on the list. Norah particularly disliked that one, because it reminded her that she didn’t live up to Tom’s standards. ‘I will apologise when I do or say something hurtful or wrong and take full responsibility for my actions.’ The fact that Tom had thought it necessary to add something like that to the agreement clearly expressed that Norah didn’t fit his idea of how a person should act. "You will apologise to Sarah for calling her a sadistic bitch, right?"
"Of course," Norah mumbled and blushed.
"Good. Don't forget to eat," Tom reminded her as he kept skimming through the next item on the list; 'I will stop skipping doctor's appointments and go to my scheduled therapy sessions, actually talking to the therapist. I will also take my medications in accordance to the doctor's instructions.'
Norah sighed and ate some more. It went slow, but she noticed that the two sandwiches had decreased to half a sandwich, while most of the apple remained.
“You told your therapist to fuck off, so I’m guessing that didn’t work out for you,” Tom sighed and shook his head disapprovingly. “On a more positive note, you have been taking your medication,” he added and went on to the next item on the list. 'I will stop skipping school and get my GCSE.' “About school. Sarah, you and a social worker are going to sit down and have a long lovely chat about that next week,” he revealed.
"Oh no," Norah groaned and couldn't help but pout.
"It's going to be alright. I truly believe it's going to work out this time," Tom told her encouragingly.
"Yeah right," Norah muttered and sighed heavily.
"It'll be alright," Tom insisted. "Look, there's only one more item left on the list," he said and pointed to the paper. Norah leaned over and read it. 'I will start painting again, and do other things that favour my self-expression.'
"Gaming favours my self-expression," she told him.
"I see," Tom replied with a smile. "I think some variation would be good. What else favours your self-expression? Do you paint? Or write?" Norah blushed as he mentioned writing. She had actually written a one-shot about Tom.
"Not really, I haven't really felt inspired to," Norah explained.
"I see. I suppose you can't force a creative process… but if I were to give you a writing assignment, would you give it a shot?"
"A writing assignment?" Norah questioned. Tom nodded at her. "I suppose I could try," she replied with a shrug.
"Marvellous," Tom said happily and pulled out a handwritten piece of paper from his jacket.
"You already had one prepared?" Norah asked incredulously and curiously reached out for the paper, but Tom held it out of reach.
"Finish your sandwich first," he told her. Norah began to roll her eyes at him, then stopped and blushed before returning to her food.
As soon as Norah swallowed the last bite, Tom handed her the neatly folded paper with his lovely handwriting.
'Pick a character from a book, play or film and write an essay about what mental health problems that character might suffer from and why.'
Norah smiled as she read the assignment. She knew exactly what to write about. It was something she knew that Tom would get really excited about, but she decided she wouldn't tell him anything about it until it was done with the essay.
"You're smiling," Tom said happily.
"I am," Norah replied and her smile widened.
"Do you know what to write about?"
"Maybe," she replied cryptically as the door opened. "I won't tell you what though."
"I can't wait to read it," Tom told her excitedly before smiling up at Sarah as she walked in. Norah glanced down at the table and her heart sunk as she realised that the apple was still left.
"Hi," Sarah said and sat down next to Norah. "Do your teeth still hurt?" she asked once she saw the apple pieces. Norah nodded. "Alright then. A glass of milk or juice?"
Norah hesitated for a moment. The milk would contain more calories than the juice, but her teeth would hurt even more if she picked the juice. 'It serves me right,' she thought and sighed heavily. "Apple juice," she finally said.
"Okay," Sarah replied and made a move to get up, but Tom was faster.
"I'll get it," he offered.
"Thank you," Sarah smiled.
Norah looked up at him and met his gaze. 'Apologise', he mouthed at her. Norah bit her lip and looked down at her hands. The sight of the cast on her left hand made her want to smash it into the table. She was sad and angry at the same time and couldn't really tell why.
"I'm sorry I said all those hurtful things to you. I don't think you're a sadistic bitch," Norah mumbled abashedly.
"Thank you," Sarah said with a weak smile. She was so quick to forgive. "I spoke to your doctor. He wants to put you on a new medication. I told him no, but ultimately it's your decision to make," she said.
"What kind of medication?" Norah asked, glad to be included in the decision making.
"A mood stabiliser called Lithium. It's commonly used for Bipolar disorder, which you don't have," Sarah explained. Norah grimaced slightly at the mention of Lithium.
"I don't want to try it," she decided quickly.
"Okay," Sarah replied. "The doctor is also considering putting you on neuroleptics. A medication called Olanzapine."
"I'd rather die," Norah informed her. While she didn't know much about medications in general, she did know that a common side effect from neuroleptics was weight gain.
"I understand," Sarah replied as though she had expected that kind of answer. "As much as I want to tell the doctor to fuck right off, he has a legal right of keeping you here for 72 hours. I've tried to change his mind, but he won't budge. He's convinced that you need to be in a clinical environment right now to make sure you're safe."
"You already told him to stick his opinion up his arse, why not tell him to fuck off as well?" Norah asked amusedly, causing Sarah to blush and smile embarrasedly. "What's gotten into you?" Norah wondered.
"I don't know," Sarah sighed. "I just don't want to let you down again, Norah."
"Thank you for caring so much," Norah told her older sister sincerely. "I promise I'll be alright in here. I don't feel like you're letting me down at all."
…
‘Hey you, out there beyond the wall
Breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me?
Hey you, don’t tell me there’s no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall’
Norah breathed shakily as she struggled to hold back her tears. There was something about that particular part of the song that really got to her. Perhaps it was the lyrics, the manner in which they were delivered, or a combination of the two. Roger Waters’s voice was not the most beautiful singing voice she had ever heard, but there was a theatrical quality to it that had awoken both her interest and admiration. She found the entire album utterly inspiring, and at the same time somewhat discouraging, because she knew she would never be able to create anything even remotely close to as amazing as ‘The Wall’.
Norah smiled to herself as she held Joe’s letter clutched against her chest. He had been right; the film he had sent her had made her feel less alone. She was amazed by how Joe somehow seemed to understand her, even though they hardly even knew each other. Whereas most people who did know her, didn’t seem to get her at all. She was now listening through the concept album on which the film was based, and she absolutely loved it.
She heard a knock on the door through the music and pulled out her headphones. As the door opened, she sat up on the bed and quickly folded Joe's letter, discreetly putting it in her pocket as she got up to greet him and Riko.
"Hey," Joe greeted her with a smile and a hug.
"Hi, thanks for coming," Norah replied and proceeded to greet Riko with a hug as well.
"I brought you something," Riko said and rummaged through her tote bag. She pulled out a notebook and a couple of rolls of patterned washi tape in different colours. "I was thinking that you could keep an art journal or something, or write down your poems in it," the younger girl suggested.
"Thank you, I really love it," Norah said with a genuine smile as she accepted the gifts and carefully placed them on the bedside table.
Norah really enjoyed the company of Joe and Riko. She didn’t feel as awkward about the circumstances as she thought she would. Joe told her about how he had spent a lot of time in the hospital when visiting his old band mate Keith who suffered from schizophrenia.
“I think Keith’s brother still works here. Sebastian Baptiste, have you met him?” Joe wondered, causing Norah to light up.
“He worked here last night, he seemed pretty cool,” Norah replied.
“He’s a really good guy, I can assure you of that. Tell him hi from me and I’m sure you’ll get first class treatment,” Joe said with a smile.
“I just might,” Norah replied. She smiled at Riko as she noticed the drawing she had made for Noah on the wall. “I hope you don’t mind me showing it off to people, I really love it and think you are a very talented artist.”
“Oh, thank you,” Riko said with a light blush. “I’m glad you like it.”
“What’s this?” Joe asked amusedly as he picked up the card from Benedict and Sophie on her desk. “You sure are a lightweight drinker,” he teased as he handed the card with the drawing to Riko.
“I’m not a lightweight drinker,” Norah protested. “It was the pregabalin!” She had made sure to read up on her medications after her conversation with Tom. She really should have more insight into her own treatment than she used to, and make more medical decisions for herself as Sarah had put it.
“Let’s blame the good ol’ pregabalin then,” Joe laughed at her. Norah couldn’t tell whether he knew what it was or not. After all, he had been doing drugs in the past, perhaps he knew a lot about medications in general. She couldn’t really find a way to ask him that in a tactful way and didn’t want to make things awkward between them.
“Did Benedict draw this?” Riko asked as her eyes lit up with excitement at the sight of the drawing.
“He did!” Norah replied happily, finding herself sharing her younger friend’s excitement. “If I see him again, I’ll make sure he’ll draw you something as well,” she found herself promising once she realised that it was an actual possibility that she would get to meet Benedict again for as long as Tom was in the picture. As it seemed now, Tom wasn’t set on leaving Sarah anytime soon.
“Really?” Riko asked and threw her arms around her. “I would love that. But don’t pressure him if he doesn’t feel like it, not that I think he would let himself get pressure into something like that… but you know what I mean,” she rambled nervously.
“I’ll ask him if he feels like it,” Norah assured her with a smile.
Time went by quickly during her new found friends’ visit. When it was finally time for them to leave, Norah felt a sting of sadness. It would probably be a long time before she would be able to see them again. How typical that when she finally made new friends, they had to live far away from her.
“I’ll see you online,” Riko told her with a smile.
“Yeah, see you online,” Norah replied, managing to hold back her tears.
Norah lied down on the bed as soon as they had left and sighed heavily as she stared at the ceiling. Soon, a nurse aide came to fetch her for dinner. When she tried to refuse the nurse aide insisted.
“Come on, Norah. Your sister and her husband will be eating with you. Doctor Gianni decided to make an exception with visiting hours since you’re only seventeen.”
Norah sighed defeatedly and reluctantly followed the nurse aide to the room in which she had her meals, privately, away from the other patients. She liked not feeling like she had to socialise with strangers, but at the same time, she didn't want to be treated differently. She had overheard one of the other patients referring to her as 'little miss VIP' and saying that all rules didn't apply to her. Norah tried not to care about the hurtful words, but it was really hard not to.
Tom and Sarah greeted her happily when she entered the room. Norah felt grateful at the sight of them, realising that she was so lucky to have them.
…
Time went by slowly at the ward and Norah spent most of the time in her room. She avoided contact with other patients as much as possible, not because she feared them or anything like that, but because she knew she was going to leave soon anyway. She didn’t want to make any more new friends that she would soon have to part with, parting with Joe and Riko had been painful enough.
During her second night at the ward, Norah found herself waking up at five in the morning, unable to go back to sleep. So she got up and went outside her room to wander the long corridor to the common area with tables, chairs, bookshelves, sofas and a TV. In the small art room next to the common area, the lights were on and she found a woman in her mid-twenties sitting in there, drawing in a notebook. The woman looked up and smiled at her.
“Sorry,” Norah said and was about to leave when the woman stopped her.
“Please don’t leave,” the woman pleaded. “What’s your name?”
“Norah,” Norah replied and remained in the door opening.
“I’m Lucy,” the woman replied and got up from her seat by the desk. “I always wake up at an ungodly hour in this place. It’s nice not to be alone anymore.”
“Have you been here for a long time? If you don’t mind me asking,” Norah asked carefully.
“I’ve been here for three weeks,” Lucy replied. “You’re new here, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Norah replied. “I just got here yesterday. And I’ll probably be leaving the day after tomorrow because then the seventy two hours are up.”
“What makes you so sure that the doctor won’t make you stay longer than seventy two hours?” Lucy asked curiously as she stretched her arms over her head. Her shirt sleeve rolled down slightly, revealing a bandage around her wrist.
“My sister will insist that if I have to stay hospitalised any longer it would be closer to my home. I live in London,” Norah explained.
“That sounds nice. Living in London and having a sister who’s willing to fight for you,” Lucy mused with a gentle smile. “I used to dream about moving to London.”
“Then why don’t you?” Norah asked.
“Because my family lives here,” the woman replied with a shrug. “My husband and I depend on my parents and my mother in law to help us with the kids.”
“So you have a husband and kids? How old are they?”
“Five and three,” Lucy replied with a sad smile. “The youngest one just turned three, and I missed her birthday.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Norah said sympathetically.
“It’s alright,” the woman replied sadly. “If I could, I would cry right now, but I just feel so numb.”
“I hate feeling numb,” Norah replied.
“Me too, but sometimes it’s better than feeling too much,” Lucy said with a half-smile. “On a more cheerful note. Do you paint? Draw? Keep a journal?”
“Not really. I was thinking of starting a journal of some sort, since I just got a book from a friend,” Norah replied. The woman’s eyes lit up with excitement.
“Go on. Go get your journal and I’ll help you get started. It’s a great way to pass the time and to document the interesting or good things you experience in life. And the bad things too. I use it as a means of validating myself sometimes. If I write how I feel down, I know it’s for real. It reminds me of how I don’t have to hurt myself to leave a scar to know I’m for real.”
“It’s a great idea. I’ll get my book,” Norah told her, not knowing how to respond to the woman’s words. Lucy seemed so open about her problems, which Norah found intriguing. At the same time, she was scared to bond with Lucy. But against better knowing, Norah left and got back a couple of minutes later with her book, pens and the rolls of washi tape she had been given by Riko.
Hours passed as they sat down and talked, drew and wrote in their journals. Lucy showed Norah a couple of pages of her own journal, which inspired Norah to put the drawing from Riko and the one from Benedict into her own journal, that way she wouldn’t end up losing them at the same time as they would help depict that particular moment of her life. She also put Sarah’s and Tom’s notes in her notebook with the washi tape decorating the pages and framing the short letters.
During the rest of Norah’s stay at the ward, she spent a lot of time in Lucy’s company. They even had breakfast together, since the doctor had decided not to let Sarah and Tom see Norah outside the ordinary visiting hours anymore. He still made an exception by letting them be with her for dinner, but other than that, doctor Gianni didn’t want to give her any more special treatment. Norah wondered if it had to do with that other patient’s loud complaints.
When it was finally time for Norah to leave the hospital, she found herself ambivalent. At the same time as she wanted to go back home, she didn’t want to leave Lucy behind. They exchanged numbers and wrote heartfelt messages in each others’ notebooks before they parted.
“Why don’t you sit in the front with me?” Tom offered when it was time to get in the car. Norah shrugged and took the passenger seat, leaving Sarah to sit in the back. “Do you mind country music?” Tom wondered, causing Norah to shake her head at him with a smile. That was the beginning of her introduction to the music and life of Hank Williams. Tom was adorably excited as he spoke to her about the country singer and she found herself listening with more interest than she had expected of herself. The thing that captivated her the most was when Tom spoke of Hank Williams’ alcoholism and drug addiction. He said something about how everybody has a little darkness in them, and that part of Hank Williams really spoke to people. He showed it to them, but unlike him, they didn’t have to take the darkness home with them.
“So which song was your favourite?” Tom asked after pausing the soulful country music.
“If I could only pick one?” Norah asked and Tom nodded. “Lovesick blues,” she replied with a smile. “Will you sing that one in the movie?”
“You’ll have to see,” Tom replied cryptically.
“Do you even know how to yodel?” Norah questioned.
“Not yet,” Tom admitted with a laugh. “But hopefully, I’ll learn.”
“I’m convinced you will. Soon there will be nothing you can’t do,” Norah told him with a smile.
“That’s a great compliment, Norah. It means a lot coming from you,” Tom said sincerely. “There are a whole lot of things I’ll never be able to learn, but thanks.”
Norah blushed in response as he turned the music back on. She looked out the car window and smiled to herself. Maybe she should try to be more open with him about her feelings- Lucy’s unapologetic openness had inspired her. Could she be so brave as to tell him about how amazing she thought he really was? Could she find the courage to tell him that she loved him?
daisy season in on #inbloom #greenthumb #gardenreward #helovesme #helovesmenot #daisy #blackeyedsusan #rudebekia (at Ridley Park, Pennsylvania) https://www.instagram.com/p/CCCVN6onogo/?igshid=1mf7sjcvhouob
