#her concepts

[el0-him]

...I have zero words.

It’s still budding within me, still growing within me - She is still growing within me - like a child, like a child but much much more, but soon She will...what? She will what? Break free? Take over? Tear me asunder?

This is a new path I am walking and I am not sure what I am supposed to even do along it.

He is apologetic, of course he is, he blames himself for the situation but I think it would’ve happened regardless. I believe She has had her eye on me for a while, much like IHT - those two are so similar, potentially they could be the same entity? Variations on or of each other? -

She has been watching me for a while now. She has been waiting for me. And yet She has plenty of time.

[uescontactlight]

can we talk about Her again.

She's been changing again, changing to fit Me, to be able to come back into my life again. She's a lot more lenient now, less traditional, more wild, but still with that aura of unease. She's rot, she's a normal part of nature, of the cycle of life-death-rebirth, she's actively trying to come back here.

I know I need to make peace with what she's done to/with me before I can truly move on with my own divinity, but I keep coming back. I keep thinking she's changed. And she has, but not in the way that would be...that would be mutualistic for both of us. Not in the way that would let me heal. But I keep ricocheting back anyways.

Sometimes I wonder whether half the thoughts I have now are truly mine or are from her implanting them into me. I can never tell. I've been her Consort for so long - and now it's...it's properly fitting the definition of the word.

[uescontactlight]

circles, spirals, down down down we go, it always comes back to this, doesn't it? I'm relapsing again. It always happens. I got too into things and now I'm paying the price for it. I thought I could climb out of this hole I dug for myself but now I find myself sinking once more and I am not so sure I'll ever make it out. Certainly not intact. Maybe not even alive.

Would I rather die than go through this again? Probably. She can't have me anymore but fuck, I don't wanna die yet. She can't have me. She can't have me. There is no more rot in me. Not anymore.

at least my cat is here to keep me company.

[uescontactlight]

it's summer again.

it's summer again, and we're right back to where we started.

is it me or is it her? honestly it's probably me at this point. I thought I was getting better but I just let myself spiral real easily nowadays. It's also - probably - hopefully - partially her. I did my best, but she grew up too fast, the rot was too persistent, we - I-

I'm sorry. fuck, I'm sorry. I thought we could make things right and fuck, we nearly did. we nearly almost did. I'm sorry.

[uescontactlight]

She seems...content, today.

[uescontactlight]

okay, sooooooooooo

if they’re correct and our theories abt what we talked about is correct, then,

well,

I’ve been wrong about everything this entire time.

[herconcepts]

Mystical

Through a thick fog, the soft voices sooth.

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