Speaking of straight on, look I think it's really cool that you tell me about your girlfriends. But, as regards, our...whatever... our knowing each other...I think I should be a bit straight. Straight? I'm not exactly sober, but I'll try. I really don't dig het (heterosexual) shit when it comes to me. I like hearing about it, but it's another world to me and one which I don't understand ... So. Regarding het shit. These games. To me, top/bottom stuff is just stuff that happens in bed. Who fistfucks whom. Outside the bed, I do my work and you do yours. I fucking hate power games outside the bed and have no interest in playing them. I'm being too blunt, but I'm drunk. How does this relate to you and me? From my point of view, we slept together once. Then, it seemed like you no longer wanted to know me. Somehow the sex freaked you out. So I phoned you to tell you that I wanted to get to know you. 'Cause you're of value to me. You're a good person. So we did and are. Getting to know each other. But it's always in my head that you don't know whether or not you want to have sex with me and you have lots of lovers. That makes a power relation between the two of us. 'Cause I'm not ambiguous about you and I'm not sleeping with anyone else at the moment (discounting the play sex I had in Sydney and I never know if RU and I are going to slip and do it again.) So when I say to you you can either sleep with me or have your own bed in my apartment, etc,. I meant that. I mean, I want to be with you and so you set the terms 'cause that's how the relation so far has been arranged. I'm not fucking playing games. I'm just being straight-forward and trying to be, like, good-mannered. Of course, I want to hang with you. My apartment isn't a hotel. I'm trying to be gracious, fuck you. Now if you want me to make the decisions, you have to say so. You see, I'm really not into these out-of-bed games. Fucking just tell me what you want and I'll go with it. That's what you do when you do s/m scenes. You discuss rules beforehand. 'Cause otherwise it's all too dangerous and there has to be trust. Well, it's the same, for me, with vanilla sex or without sex. If you don't discuss the rules, then the shit power games are outside the bed and they hurt ... Sorry for the rave, but sooner or later, I guess something like this needed to be said. Perhaps not so drunkenly. As I said, I think it's totally cool about your girlfriends and what you all do, but it's not my world. I hear about it, but I don't partake. I do like the feeling that we can tell each other things. "Feeling" isn't the right word. But when I say "top" and "bottom" I'm just talking about sexual play. Otherwise, there's just...difference. Real difference. Not fucking games. That's what makes friendship.
