Sometimes, I think the only people who see me as or want me to think I’m anti-social are the people who just refuse to understand me.
Other times, I wonder if I really do dislike people, even though I’m completely miserable when I’m not actively trying to make a difference out there for others. I do have a need to be something good to other people and I do really wonder why others see me in certain ways.
Yet, I’m really accustomed to fighting for myself, to being on my own, with only a few select friends and family at my back.
This is the second time in two years that my forceful personality has been used as a means of manipulating me. Well, at least that someone has tried to, the former far more successful than the latter. I used to believe that was a side-effect my being AFAB. I’ve attributed a lot of the toxic treatment I’ve dealt with over the years to that. Now I’m not so sure. If I can be perceived as the right gender, the gender which has no social boundaries toward my force of personality and still be tossed guilt because I “intimidate” people? Clearly, my assumption that this particular social issue could be cleared by my being honest with myself about my gender identity is clearly not the case.
Like last time, this is second hand. I’m being thrown guilt by a second-hand party, not the so-called concerned one. What is it about me, when I raise my voice, that unnerves people so?
I can’t even show a slightest twinge of moodiness or annoyance without being hammered for it. When all the people around me gripe and complain and stew drama about. Why? Apparently, I’m scary.
I care. I feel everything way too much. I always have. So, I sit there and brood, silently. I assert my boundaries, nothing more. Even that’s too much for certain people.
I wonder what will happen when I actually start taking a stand on things, which, if I have my way, will come far sooner than it does later.
