Jen’s Jewels ep1
This next one had to have its own category. Jen has continued to ignore the prompts in favour of writing fics around our own OT3, which we’re all hugely in favour for and these gems are now something we all look forward to reading each week. What a genius @heyjenocide
“Why are we in the sewer again?” Jess asked while stepping over a pile of trash. Was it moving? Oh god. She looked over at Jill, who was typing on her phone. She somehow managed to sidestep the piles of junk without paying attention to them at all. “Hey, what are you doing?”
“I’m writing a strongly worded letter to city officials about the status of this sewer. It’s disgusting. As for why we’re here, you know as much as I do.”
Up ahead they spotted V who kneeled and shined their flashlight at something on the ground. They motioned for Jill and Jess to join them and pointed at some faint footprints. “Here, I think we’re in the right sewer.”
While human-sized, the footprints were clearly not human at all. They appeared almost...amphibian. “V, what are we doing here?” Jess repeated her question, this time with an edge to her voice. Whatever she was standing in was equal parts slimy and rancid.
“I’m following the clues left in that fanfic we read a few weeks ago,” V said. They stood up and began following the footprints.
With a frown, Jill hesitated and asked, “Do you mean the Ninja Turtle au?”
Jess groaned. “Oh god, seriously? That fic made no sense. I can’t get the image of Laura’s mermaid hair on a turtle out of my head. Also, If Hollstein are turtles, wouldn’t that make them furries?”
V tossed a glare over their shoulder at Jess. “That fic was brilliant! Of course, it never reached the ultimate highs of the softball au, but I’ve never wept harder than when Mattie as Master Splinter died.”
“Hollstein as Ninja Turtles was strange, but I thought it worked,” Jill replied. She quickly hopped over a pile of trash and continued, “Laura was the perfect Leonardo. She possessed so many great leadership qualities but really knew how to kick ass too. And of course, Carm made a great Raphael, so grumpy and put upon. Laf as Donatello was fantastic, but I did think that using Perry for Michaelangelo was a misstep. The author replaced his love of pizza with Perry’s love of cleaning.”
In unison, Jill and V sang a few lines of the TMNT theme song.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a Half-shell
Turtle Power!
Horrified, Jess barely managed to get her voice above a whisper. “Oh, God. What is happening right now?”
Jill shrugged. “It was a good fic. I heard that the author lived and cosplayed as a turtle in the sewers for three years in preparation for writing this. I hope we get a sequel. The first one was kind of short at two hundred and fifty thousand words.”
“That’s it exactly!” V said excitedly. “That fic laid out several clues about how to find this place. The author wanted us to come here and discover its secrets. Here I think this is it” They motioned to a moss-covered stone wall in front of them.
Jess knew the expression on her face was incredulous, but she couldn’t help it. “It’s a wall. I think that might be vomit. I’m not touching that.”
V rolled their eyes and appeared to be counting bricks, up then across. Finally, they tapped a block and repeated the process two more times. For a beat, nothing happened, and then the grating sound of stone grinding upon stone reverberated through the tunnels. “Awesome. It worked.”
Neither Jill nor V seemed overly concerned by the noise, but Jess glanced around with a worried expression. “Is it legal for us to be here?”
“Why wouldn’t it be? We’re detectives,” V responded while walking through the now open doorway which led to another tunnel. Thankfully, this one was significantly cleaner.
“We are not detectives. What are we going to tell the police? We investigate fan fiction crimes and discrepancies?”
“Maybe we should get badges and a cool acronym,” Jill suggested. “I’ll have to work up some ideas.”
They made their way through a series of winding hallways until, eventually, they came to a large chamber. As they walked inside, the air seemed to shimmer around them.
“Ah, hello! Excellent, you’re finally here,” a young woman with a British accent and a kind smile said. She wore a red and gold scarf around her neck.
Jill’s eyes grew wide, and she gasped loud enough to draw the attention of everyone in the room. “Oh my god, I knew it was all real.” She glanced around the room frantically and said, “This is the Room of Requirement, and you’re Hermione Granger.”
Hermione smiled. “Yes, on both accounts. Well done. You’ll have to forgive the state of the room, however. We couldn’t be certain of when you would work out the clues, so I needed some distractions while I waited. No worries on the delay, I used the opportunity to catch up on some reading.” Floor to ceiling bookshelves were spread around the room, and in the middle of it, all was a table piled over with dozens of books.
Jill stared at the mess in wonderment. “How long have you been waiting?”
“Ah, no more than a day or two. Now, on to business.”
“We were following a lead about a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles au, and now we’re in the Room of Requirement. This is so confusing. Can I just go home to Rufus and Bodley?”
“Soon, I promise,” Hermione said. “Your pups are quite adorable Jess. But we need your help. Fan-fiction au’s have started overlapping, and it has caused a disturbance within many fandoms. This could have serious real-world consequences. What’s next? A Terminator and My Little Pony crossover? If we don’t stop this now, then chaos could reign. Lives are at stake, and destiny has fallen into your laps. Luckily for all of us, we have discovered a prophecy that involves three friends. Three muggles, three friends who are fan fiction detectives. A friend of mine, Luna, wrote that ridiculous ninja turtle nonsense-”
“Luna? Luna wrote that?” Jill exclaimed. “When can we meet her?”
“Luna Lovegood? That makes so much sense. That fic was all over the place,” Jess said, but immediately stopped talking when she noticed Hermione’s warning glare.
“Yes, indeed. As much as I’m inclined to agree with your assessment, we have more important matters to discuss. Sinister players are at work, and only you can help us find them. Will you come to Hogwarts and assist in sussing them out?” Hermione barely waited for confirmation before saying, “As you have no magical abilities, Jess and Jill, you’ll be posing as part of a Squib exchange program we’ve started with the Americas. As for you V, we’ve decided to make you are new Divination professor. I hope you’re ready. This is the greatest threat the world has faced since Voldemort.”
