im ḑ̷̛̣̖̫̻̬̰͇̼̬̟͔̞̣͖̰͇̱̻̰̦͈̯̖̼̹̝͕̤̥̫͌̽͋͐̋̏̑̈́͐̂́͒̈́̊̒̃̌̊͊̔̓̉͋́̊̓̿̐̓͊̿͊̋̂̋̃͗̓̽͒̿͘̕͘͜͜͝͝͝ḭ̴̧̧̛̛̛̛̣̯͍̗̜̤͈̭̫͚͙̥͍̻̹̫͖̟͔̳̫̺̥͔̣̰̳͖̭̖̦͎̱̺̓̾̒̐̈́̀̉̌͋͋̏̊̈́̏̈̎͗̏͒̌̈́̐͗̐͆̿̔͛͌͗̽͐̓̈́̌̈̽͆̔̚͜͝͝͝͝ͅņ̷̢̧̨̡̲̦͍̞̝͖͍̗̝̹̯̤̺͙͍̪͕̠̮̦̩̟̣̥͙̩̭̪̞̻͈̗͔̺͚͕̜͇͇̂́͂̓̑̈́̓̂̇͌͒̈̈́͒͆̃̽̈́̔̈́́̎̅͐̃̄̓̓͆̒̂́̈́̆͘͘̚͘͠͠͠͝ͅń̸̢̧̡͖͓̠̭̲̫͕̗̹̤̳̗̲͔͙͉͎̺͎̘͈̲̘̦̗͇̹̗̮̰̜͈̻̼̯̥̼̪̥͖̰̽͆̓̆͐̈͌͐̆̓͆̈́͂̓̽̒̀̅̀͑̿̔͂̿̏͂͑̐̇̊̍͂̈́̌͐͛̇̐̈́̉̚̕͝͝e̵̡̢̛̛̛̛͎͚̯͓͈̞͚̭̫̙̭͈͕̰͍̬̜͙̱̠̪̮̗̦̺̦̗̣͕͓̠͕̟͙͓̯̮͈̝͓̯̭̠͙͗̒̽͊̃͑̅̐̋̋̃́̐̎̅̍͒̉͊̈́͐̈̑͗͆̑͑͐̏͒̈́͐͋̈́̃̌́͘̚͜͝ŕ̴̢̨̧̡̛̪͕͉̜̙̮̗̖̹̞̞̭͙͓͈͍͈̹̬͓̯͎̣̹͔̙̦͙̘̤̠̄̂̓̈͗͑͋̋͊̿̿̈́͋̓͆̅́͐̓͗̆̿̿̊́̀̐̓̓̉̕̕̕͜͜͝͝͝ͅͅ
After some tough weeks at work - well, actually months, but whatever - I’m backe here on Tumblr.
2016 has finished, and I didn’t publish the final results of my reading challenge yet, nor the new one. Only Goodreads knows that I’m up to read 60 book this year (always put the bar a little higher).
I have received a lot of books for Christmast, so I’m going to publish new phots and comments, just give me the time to catch up with it all. And I have to cathc up with the newest publications, too. Lot of things to do.
1. Be a part of Awaken org. It’s an organization that helps the victims of human/sex-trafficking.
2. Go out of my comfort zone. Too much of being “dun tayo sa safe.” I would try to be adventurous without compromising my beliefs.
3. Take my studies seriously. Bang! I have been involved for enough petiks this past semesters.
4. Be more productive from the things that I should work on.
5. MONEY WISE.
6. Get rid of my insecurities about myself, just because other people can do better than I am.
7. Love my family more than before.
8. Pray more!! I will going to be devoted in my spiritual affairs.
9. Embrace the positivity!
10. Engage in fellowship with God’s guidance!
I do not know what this year has stored for me, but I am trying and I will keep on trying to stay positive in life.
2016 was my most depressed year. I may got a job back, participated in samaritan’s purse project, finish my semester through my own money, was able to pay my bills and was able to survived the year. BUT I had some suicidal thoughts(per se), failed my 2 semesters in a year, and haven’t done anything where I can make my parents proud of me.
This year, I am praying and I will keep on praying that my purpose in life would be clearer as for me to visualize. I am praying that I conquer all the challenges and overwhelming events. I will try harder. I will try to be stronger than I was last year.
2016 was something. And here I am, per my usual, not posting on December 31st or whatever day is supposed to be set aside to recap the year.
It was an okay year, I guess. Our lawsuit got settled by a godsent pro-bono lawyer. We finally ridded ourselves of our rat infestation in May (though my rat anxiety is still pretty much like *woooosh*). I finally submitted my UC applications. I got my crippling anxiety under moderate control, and my neuroticism doesn’t shackle me as badly as it used to. I don’t even know if I can say that I’m depressed anymore (which is really saying something because I never knew that I couldn’t be sad lol). I’ve managed to go nearly 2 years off my antidepressants, which is FUCKING HUGE. I TOOK THOSE FOR 6 YEARS AND IT FEELS SO GOOD TO NOT HAVE TO BE ON THEM ANYMORE. GOD BLESS MARIJUANA, TBH. IT SAVED MY LIFE. Of course, I’m still mortified of taking pictures and still don’t know how it is that I want to present myself to the world, but i’M a work in progress. I got my GPA up, I became VP of my school’s Soc club, and I fell in love with Sociology even more...Hell. I even went to my first protest! *cough* FUCK DONALD TRUMP *cough*
I even fell in like. Pretty intense like, too, which is rare for me. Not in love though; not the way my two suitors did. One was an idiot; a full-fledged, ambitionless man-child who made me lash out for never being heard out. Granted, things were fine initially. I can even say that I liked him.The demisexual in me was decently intrigued, but the walls kept growing higher, and he figured leaving them would be easier than climbing them. The other, well...I don’t know what stopped me from pursuing her. Besides my own fear of the future, my neuroticism, my lack of aggression, my feelings that rooted too deeply to be a casual fling...Okay. Turns out a lot of things prevented me from going for it. Seeing as my emotions are hard to read about 200% of the time, I guess I didn’t realize the extent of my fancies with them both, even to myself.
I think I got to really take a look at myself last year. I limited my toxic relationships. I kept up my routine of skating/exercising every day, and continuing my meatless regime. I also isolated myself from pretty much everyone. I have this sort of one foot in, one foot out approach to life, my relationships, and social media. On the one hand, I had time to be more exclusive, not opening myself up to people and situations that were not fruitful. On the other hand, I feel like my extreme introversion gutted my opportunities to cultivate my pre-existing relationships. Which, realistically, is hard to do for everyone. Truthfully, I also have rejection issues that I refuse to acknowledge. My fear of being told no often prohibits any opportunities I have to do anything with anyone. I don’t know if it’s because of implicit feelings of inadequacy instilled into me, or just perceived feelings of inferiority on my part for my lack. I also realize that I can’t do it alone, and that help is normal and healthy. Plus, if I’d give the last dollar I have away, is it so bad to expect a little kindness back in return? NO IT’S NOT JULES ACCEPT YOUR BLESSINGS FFS
I hope that in 2017, I continue my trajectory towards betterment. I hope that I become gainfully employed and help my family out way more. I hope that I can be more confident, because I have a lot to offer the world and I haven’t figured out how to make that known. I also hope that maybe, just maybe, I hit way fewer walls. In every regard. My education, my relationships, my finances, my health. Just like sensible Americans think, walls hinder opportunity, and they do not need to be in my way. I refuse to let anything hinder me anymore. I’ve been down for too long, and my time is now I can’t let life pass me by. I’m a single PYT, and the world is mine. The world doesn’t know it yet, but I do. Don’t sleep on me.
2016 has been hard.
Hard as in it has been a year filled with screams, bruises, scars
Smearing blood on blanket sheets
Mascara lines on bruised cheeks
Sleepless nights, noisy dawns
Weary mornings, burnt skins
It has been a year of unknown wars
Nightmare battles, dark days
Lies, painkillers, lies, blades, lies, alcohol, lies, cigarettes, lies
But this year has also been soft
Soft as in it has been also a year filled with growth, healing, kindness
Falling in love with strangers
Tight hugs, random text messages
Smiles, Laughter, Smiles,
Stars, the moon, constellations, rain, trees, and ocean
Admiring the wisdom and beauty behind darkness and silence
Broken pieces stitched together again
2016 has been a storm that wrecked the walls and bridges I’ve built to protect myself,
but like any other storms, life has also never failed to give me a taste of rainbows.
Thank you, 2016.
Thank you for letting me experience your madness and beauty.
2017, I'm ready for you.
