Life
This was supposed to be written due to @bhion-chan‘s request, but instead because of the message it turned into something different than what I intended. You’ll see a bit of Fairy Tail inspiration from this, but mostly this is what I think the baby symbolizes in the story.
This is from Ayato’s point of view, because I wanted to write something that involves him and his relationship with Touka (and Hinami). Thank you @mamasaiko for being my quality control (lmao). I hope I did not make Ayato OOC.
This is roughly a continuation of the fic, World. Part IV of World occurred before and around Part II of Life. Enjoy. :)
I.
“Y-you’re what?” To say that he was dumbfounded was underestimating it.
Touka smiled sadly, her eyes downcast as she laid in bed. His eyes traveled down to the hand that gently rested in her stomach and then back up to his sister’s face. “I’m pregnant.”
He was speechless, and yet his hands shook with such intensity that anyone in the room would’ve noticed. It was a good thing Hinami wasn’t here, he thought, because she would’ve seen right through him.
He was scared, and that fear brought out his anger.
The revelation shook him as he clenched his fist and gritted his teeth. He was torn between the absurdity of the news and the unspoken truth of the guilt he had been feeling ever since that day. Why in the world did this stupid-ass king get his sister pregnant at this point in time? He almost lost her for fuck’s sake!
The situation was so surreal he thought he was dreaming. Just a few weeks ago, he almost lost her to the doves, even if what he had done all this time was to make sure that she would stay protected. And now, with this kid in tow, it almost felt comical. The gods had a cruel sense of humor, he thought.
“Ayato, please understand.” Her voice was pleading and scared, just like him. And when he looked at her, her eyes radiated with an intensity in its wish that he couldn’t even think about lashing out his anger. He wanted to scream and tell her what an idiotic sister she was, to tell her as well that he was so scared when she almost lost her life back then.
And yet he couldn’t, his throat felt like it had thorns. The look of sadness in her eyes was too much for him to bear, and he knew the weight on her shoulder was already heavy that he didn’t want to add up to her burden. His sister didn’t even feel like Touka at the moment, and he knew she wasn’t still over the fact that she almost lost her life as well, and her brat. With a sigh, he loosened his grip and placed his hands on his pocket.
“Do what you want, stupid sister.” His voice was cold, even to his own ears. He wished that he could tell her how much he wanted to support her, but he didn’t know what to say or feel about the news. He didn’t want to sadden her more either. “But if you get hurt again, I guarantee that his life will be the price.”
Or his. But he did not voice this out. Ayato could see the unease slowly dissipating from her form as she gave him a tired smile. With a sigh, he gave her a small smile of his own as he left the room. Sadly, it did not reach his heart.
He sat by the edge of the roof, face on his palm while he was lost on his thoughts. He was bored and irritated as he observed Touka read to the Aogiri kids. She looked so tired and worn out, he thought. It didn’t even seem like she was eating or even sleeping. And yet he knew that she was, he had been keeping an eye on her after all. Was this what her pregnancy was doing to her? Tch, stupid sister.
“Ayato.” Hinami yelled at him for the umpteenth time that day. Briefly, he looked down to find the source of the voice, his mind still in disarray. She was pouting from where she stood from the ground underneath him, holding a bag of clothes.
“What do you want Hina?”
“You told me you’ll help me with the laundry!”
With a sigh, he put his palm on his face. He didn’t think he’d forget it was their turn to do the laundry this week. “Alright, alright. I’ll come down now.”
With one quick swoop, he was in front of her. “Mou, you’ve been spacing out a lot lately.”
He patted her head as a response. “Don’t think too much, you’ll get wrinkles.” He gave her a wide grin as he took the bag away from her hands.
“Dummy!” she blurted, sticking her tongue out at him. He chuckled at her reaction as they proceeded to walk back into the house they shared with his sister and Ken, picking up some more laundry along the way. And yet, even with the small banter they always did, Hinami felt the distance that kept her from reaching him.
She herself had been worrying about Ayato ever since the raid in the 24th ward happened.
Their trip to the water source was short, but silent. Ayato looked detached, and yet she knew he was just worrying, as always. Despite his cold exterior and nonchalance, Ayato always had an internal turmoil of emotions that haunted him. And Hinami could see through that.
She could see the changes in his attitude and actions, which say a lot more about Ayato than his words. These days, he was always on high alert – he stood on guard every night and refuse to leave the base because he thought he was more needed there than whatever operations GOAT had planned. He also silently kept tabs on her and Touka, and even though he thought she never noticed, Hinami could always sense him.
She knew he was worried about them, she also knew he felt guilty for leaving the 24th ward. It was obvious how he would clam up every time that event was mentioned. More often than not, he was always spacing out as well, quietly lost in his own thoughts even though he was talking to others.
When they arrived, Hinami instructed him what to do and they broke the errand down equally between the both of them. He obliged silently and went to work, his mind still in a turmoil. He worried a lot about his sister’s condition recently. He didn’t know if it was a good thing to keep the brat, because for him it felt like in every day that passed, she became worse for wear. And yet she also looked somewhat happy whenever the child is mentioned or when Ken was beside her.
“Ne, Hinami-chan,” he suddenly started, still dazed, “do you think my sister is doing the right thing?”
It was the first time he addressed his uncertainty, and the first time he told someone about his worry. “About what?” she asked curiously.
“The brat.” He spit out, as if just muttering the words made it all seem real. His cheeks felt warm at the mention of it, while he proceeded on sorting the clothes.
“Why not?”
“I don’t know.” He put his hand to rub the back of his neck, “I just.. worry.”
Hinami giggled at his reaction.
“What’s so funny about that?” he blurted, frustrated.
‘So this is why he was acting weird,’ she thought.
“Nee-chan’s face always lights up at the mention of the baby, Ayato-kun,” she explained. “I think it a good thing.”
Ayato’s eyes widened by her answer. If there was anything that life taught him, it was that the world was cruel, life itself was cruel. All the things he loved, all the things that brought him peace – eventually they were all taken from him. He wanted to believe in it, Hinami’s words. He wanted to hold onto hope itself, to finally hold onto something that will not slip away. “Do you really think so?”
The uncertainty that was mixed with a fragile hope was too palpable for Hinami not to have heard. It showed her how much Ayato cared, and how much he wanted to see life itself painted in blue. It made her heart ache at the thought, and yet she smiled for him.
Because she also wanted to give him hope, and thus in turn she wished that the hope will grow and bloom. “Hai.” Her voice was strained with emotion, of the tears she tried to contain. “Whenever I talk to Touka nee-chan about it, her face would turn warm and she would smile,” she described, remembering how Touka’s eyes would light up at the thought of the child living, of the future she wanted to bring to life. She herself could see the changes in her actions, and she could see the hope that radiated into those sorrowful eyes. And despite being worried about her health, she knew that her sister would endure anything for this baby to live. “She really loves the baby, she will be alright.”
She believed in her.
With a sigh, Ayato stood up. He too, had noticed the subtle happiness in Touka whenever he asked about the pregnancy. There was still no single identifying feature in her body that could give away the pregnancy at the moment, except for the morning sickness she had been feeling every day. And yet despite that, he could feel the warmth that radiated through her when she thought of the child, of the gentle gazes, of the hopeful eyes.
“I hope so too.”
II.
“Are you fucking blind you stupid aneki? Can’t you see what that thing is doing to you?”
Ayato seethed in anger. He wanted to shake Touka awake, to make her see that this wasn’t working out.
He had tried, oh he did. He had tried so hard to convince himself that it would work out, that she would be fine. But in every passing day, it hurt him how Touka continuously endured all of the brutal onslaught that the pregnancy brought. He shook her shoulders, hoping that it would wake her up.
“You’re wrong.” But try as he might, even if she already looked so fragile and tired as he shook her shoulders, Touka’s eyes were the same. He felt like she was slipping away, like all other things he had in his life.
“If this is what’s needed to bring my child in the world, I will do it, Ayato.” Her smile was gentle, in contrast to his rash and aggressiveness. Yet it was also deceiving, he thought. And her eyes – they burned with a conviction so deep that Ayato could never hope to win against it.
And it hurt.
It hurt him that whenever he would try to feed her, she would just end up heaving everything back out.
It hurt him when she couldn’t even find the strength to get out of the bed in some days, as if she had become a prisoner in the room that was supposed to provide her with comfort.
It hurt when she would try to cheer up his worries, and yet all she could do was fake a smile and tell him she was alright. When in reality, she was shaking so hard, it was as if her resolve would shatter right in front of his eyes in any given time.
And most of all, it hurt him that he could do nothing, not one thing at all to ease her pain.
He was afraid that this time, she would leave him. He was scared that if he did not do something, he would never get to see his stupid sister again. Unknown tears fell from his cheeks as his emotions whirled. He stayed silent, defeated. He felt like she was slipping away from him. Was this what she felt like when he left? Utter helplessness? Now he knew.
And yet, like always, Touka was the calm in his storm, the warmth to his cold. Instead of saying anything, she gently wrapped her arms around him, as if to comfort him. Like a silent promise that she would always be here.
“Nee-chan, please.” He didn’t know why those words came out of his mouth. Hell, he didn’t even know why he was even saying this anymore when Touka herself was decided. He didn’t even know if he was talking to her, asking her to live. Or maybe, he was talking to a god out there, because he wanted to hope and pray that he would keep his sister safe.
He exited the room, defeated and forlorn. He was at a loss on what he should do anymore, as his sister already finalized her resolve. He had lost the battle.
As he got outside the cottage, he went to the small clearing where his target was, alone and walking towards where Ayato himself came from. He gathered all his strength and frustration in one hand and punched him hard that he felt some bones in his face break.
“If something happens to my sister, Kaneki,” he churned, his blood boiling, “Consider yourself dead.”
“This is all your fault.”
Ayato sighed. He didn’t know what he wanted to say to Touka, didn’t know how to apologize for his rash actions.
Hinami berated him non-stop when she found out what he tried to do, and now he was left in a bind because she made him promise to patch things up with Touka before the end of the day or else she would be mad at him.
Ayato knew how scary Hinami was when she was angry.
Clearing his throat, he breathed deeply to calm his nerves as he gathered what confidence he could before he would knock on Touka’s room. He decided he would tell her that he’s sorry for yelling at her when she wasn’t supposed to be stressed, but that’s about it. He would keep his mouth shut after and leave. He didn’t feel sorry for punching Kaneki at all, or for telling the truth about the pregnancy.
But as he was about to knock, he noticed that the door was slightly askew, bringing forth an eye-opening reality that did not only surprise him, but also opened his eyes.
Inside the room was a sight he never thought he would see. A man’s eyes that stared wide with wonder, as if it was the only thing that existed in the room. His sister’s face was no different than his, cheeks stained with tears that freely fell in her face, which radiated with warmth and joy. They were lost in their little world, as if they were experiencing something that the mere eye woudn’t be able to comprehend.
Two people who had lost a lot in the world where blood rained, and yet found each other in a storm.
“I didn’t know you like to peep on opened doors, Ayato-kun.” His cheeks felt warm at the comment that it made Hinami chuckle.
“I-I was not peeping!“ he defended, moving away from the door as he went back into the kitchen. “I wanted to talk to Touka, but it looks like they are busy.”
A warm smile graced Hinami’s lips. “It must have been quite a sight for you to look like that.”
“S-stop it you idiot.” His blush deepened.
A brief, but comfortable silence enveloped them both, interrupted by a half-choked sob that came from inside the room. For Ayato, he still couldn’t process what he should feel at the sight, but he knew what it could’ve meant for the both of them.
“Do you see now, Ayato?” Hinami turned her back on the wall. “Do you understand what Touka nee-chan feels?”
He looked at Hinami and thought of all the things she had been through since she was young. She lost her father, whom she loved so much at a young age, even if they were ghouls who did nothing to harm humans. And as if that wasn’t enough, she lost her mother not long after the tragedy, who had died to give her the time she needed to escape. It made her question if she was even allowed to live in this world. And he knew that for a long time, she kept struggling in trying to validate her place. She had been through a lot, and like a snuff to rid the candle of its flames, he almost lost her as well during the raid in the 24th ward.
Yet, despite all the hardship and suffering, of all the pain and agony life had brought her, she kept on smiling. She smiled through the tears and kept her positive outlook about his sister’s resolve. She had given him the courage that everything wasn’t lost, that they could still stand up and be allowed to hope. Could he put his hope in this child? he wondered. Could it really bring the hope that these people who were starved of it, who had been through a lot, needed? IF Hinami, a ghoul who held nothing but light in her heart thought so, then maybe he could too.
“Maybe.”
III.
“So small…” he observed, looking at the bundle wrapped securely around Touka’s arms. He poked the tiny little hand that was clenched, but sadly, the baby was far too deep in his sleep to care. He looked a lot like Touka, from his facial expressions to the color of his eyes. But what stood out the most was how he looked so peaceful and carefree. “Is it even alive?”
“Of course it is, dummy.” Hinami berated, looking at Ayato with indignation. “He looks a lot like you, Onee-chan!”
“Hmp, he better!” He crossed his arms proudly, mesmerized by the little life form. He didn’t know what to think of him yet, but his presence was infectious.
“Ayato, don’t be so loud, the baby will wake up!”
“His name is Kazuki,” Touka whispered softy, gently touching her son’s face. As if hearing his mother, Kazuki stirred and wrapped his tiny hand around Ayato’s finger, his little face forming his first semblance of a smile.
His heart physically hurt at the sight, the feeling of overwhelming warmth that pooled in his stomach, the happiness and joy that he brought - it was too much. He couldn’t help but think how his sister felt at the moment, for surely, it was worth more for her. His eyes drifted to where she was, of the warm smile and the eyes that stared and studied every feature of the child. She turned her gaze to him for a bit, to give him a smile of her own.
“When I saw him for the first time,” Touka recalled, her eyes deeply captivated by her son’s smile, “I felt a light shining into my heart.”
Her voice shook with of emotion, her eyes brimming with tears. “And I dreamt of a future full of hope for him.”
‘Kazuki, huh?’ The name itself was that of hope, he realized. A whole-hearted smile formed on Ayato’s lips as he rubbed his thumb gently on the hand that was wrapped tightly around his index finger. His sister must be tremendously overwhelmed right now, he thought. He could feel her shaking, using her body to support the baby in her arms. Her tears continuously fell from her face, yet she didn’t care, fully mesmerized by the sight in front of her. It must have been too much for her to finally see the product of her sacrifices. The joy that she felt was palpable within the room, as well as outside it where Kaneki was greeting all well-wishers and those who wanted to see the baby.
He himself was caught within the warmth. These tiny little hands were the embodiment of the light that Touka had desperately sought for within the darkness. From this little body radiated all the infinite possibilities of the future that they thought they had lost after their defeat in the 24th ward. This tiny little soul had saved them from the darkness, he was their little hope.
He looked at Hinami whose eyes were also brimming with unshed tears, her smile tangible. He had thought that life was cruel, and viewed it at something that continuously took away all that made him happy. And yet, seeing Kazuki for the first time, the embodiment of all of his sister’s sacrifices, tears, hope and happiness – he realized that there was also one gift that life was capable of giving, something that proved that they too, belonged to this world.
The gift of life.
I hope I brought some justice to the characters in this fic, because I am not yet confident with my writing. I was gonna include a Yomo-Ayato or Kaneki Ayato interaction but when I wrote the first two parts I decided to cut it short. I have the drafts for those but maybe for next time. :)
World || Hope || Life || Strength || Will || Closure
