#hisplanisgood

[trust77]

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[wordsinherhand]

Stuck

2 Corinthians 4:16-17 (ESV)

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 

17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, Do you ever find yourself stuck, that it seemed like you cannot see the direction of where you are going, the dreams you have cultivated a year or two ago seemed like it is on pause and you just felt frozen in time and place?

I was in that box for a month. But, today, although it was kind of late, I did some editing and video making of a promotional video and posting for a work that I have placed on hold, because of that feeling in that one month. And I feel contented and pleased! Applause is in order!

Why was I stuck for a month? After I took the greatest decision to separate from my partner early this year which was a whole moment of freedom for me, next was the Lunar New Year which I felt was not really celebratory but yet still meaningful and after it ended, I was figuratively paralyzed in my mind and heart. I felt like I had no future, so unsure of what to do next.  It probably happened as I was transitioning into singleness. Where making decisions requires it to come from me, without having another person’s requirement to affect my decisions, and that whatever I should decide, I must take into account how it would impact my toddler. 

Have you ever make big decisions on your own? If you have not, who was it that have a huge influence in your decision making stance? Were they necessary in most of the decisions you made?

I can identify two things that had made me stuck for one whole month, unable to move forward, nor did I want to look back and return to my old life. Here it is:-

1. WANT IT NOW

I have so much going on in my mind. I wanted to sew, draw, create videos, design posters, practice my guitar, memorize songs, go jogging, go out on a date with my toddler, hang out with the girls, etc. There is just so much I wanted to accomplish and I want to get it done YESTERDAY. 

I was chasing after false sense of accomplishment. I thought if I could get ALL of the list done in a short time, it is because I am suppose to succeed in doing them for I am hardworking and are trying my absolute best to do it. Because of that, when the things I planned wasn’t going according to the way I wanted it, the slightest,tiniest disturbance of my schedule will disrupt my sense of accomplishment, and that stumped me in my place. I will become frustrated, angry and eventually I will just eat up the frustration and stop doing the plan I laid out and just stare at my phone for hours to numb myself from the frustration and defeat.

2. ASKING FROM SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT

I had this mentality that if God wanted me to do it, He will surely provide me the means to do it, with such strong sense of entitlement. For example, I can play the guitar ( rusty skill now since I left guitar for almost a decade, but this is the entitled me thinking ) but there is no need for me to practice until God calls me to use the guitar somewhere. 

This pride, stopped me from really focusing on playing, and like the point above, if I did pick the guitar up to play, the moment something disrupts my guitar playing session, I will just stop because of annoyance and angry because someone or something trying to stop me accomplishing something in that moment.

I will then proceed “righteous” prayer, asking God to come back faster , or to bring me into my calling sooner, so that I do not have to “suffer” the “world” trying to stop me pursuing God’s calling for me.

It is not wrong to pray such way, it is something we should pray for, for our purpose in life to come to pass, for us to meet the Lord and rejoice in His magnificent presence! But, most of the time our prayer sounds like we are asking God to move in our terms, in the way we like and how we want it. Your prayer that says “ Lord, You can change my situation now” will not change anything, there will be no break through, there will be no visible direction because you are clouded by ‘me,me,me,mine,mine,mine’ mentality. When your prayer change to “Lord, You can change me for this situation now,” God’s hand move mightily. And I am experiencing that now.

THE PRAYER

Psalm 37:7 , 18

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! The Lord knows the days of the blameless,  and their heritage will remain forever; 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 

When I changed my prayer, my eyes, my heart was instantly shaken. I prayed, or in better words, I cried to God honestly, I cry out to the Father who created me in my mother’s womb, of the things that I see in my heart that is holding me back. My idea of success, accomplishment, expectations, all went out of the window of my mind, as God was changing my worldy idea of accomplishments and success, into a Kingdom mindset of accomplishments and success.

Within that one moment of change, I came into a realization that I need Him to change ME, not my situation. I then cried out to God the Father, I spilled out all my concerns, my worries, my lacking and my dreams, I told Him the aching desires in my heart, the things I want for myself and my child, and after that episode, I hear Him say , “ Be still, fret not over other’s accomplishments, I know what is to come in your life, and you know My plans for you is not to harm,” 

The awareness of knowing He is in control, that His love will lead me to where He needs me to be eventually, opened my eyes to just steward myself in ways He would want me to.

Taking one step at a time to work with what I have now without strive is so rewarding. He renews me daily for the work I need to get done for the day.

I am a mother, a daughter, a friend, a servant in Children Ministry, an aspiring decor entrepreneur that really has no idea where or how will I be financially stable but in Him will I trust, and I will do all of what I am called into NOW, one step at a time. 

I will serve my daughter with smiles, I will serve my parents joyfully, I will chit chat with my friends happily, I will do the things I have now with peace.

I am currently writing too, as a way to tell God and myself, I will not delay just because there is no channel, I will write on Tumblr (because gifs reactions and no one reads on Tumblr, so that I can practise writing without the weight of having an audience) to sharpen my writing skill.

If you are stuck, allow God to check your heart. Sometimes, changing the one verb or adjectives in your prayer shifts your eyes to the Father’s will in you.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable, and when you see there is something need to be dealt with, within you, do not condemn yourself of the things you find ugly but immediately give all that ugliness into His hand, because beating yourself up will not help you get your breakthrough, telling yourself you are no good is not your job to do, you are in no position to judge others so you are also in no position to judge even yourself, so, give it all to Him will most certainly bring you into a new place of freedom, just go to Him without fear. He is there for you.