Words In Her Hand

I dream stories, so I put them down in words.

[wordsinherhand]

Runaway Royalty

Aella runs towards the forest with every ounce of strength she has. She can hear the wind rushing behind her, Argo catching up behind her as he makes sure no one saw them running at the open field by the lake from the palace.

As she feel like she can run no more, Argo took her hand and overtook her, leading her to the forest. She can feel her right arm’s socket getting pulled by her companion, Argo, whom she can feel the sense of urgency from the way he is grasping her hands, with assurance that he will not let her go.

Her home was attacked. The palace was run down by blood-lust assassins who seeks to destroy her father’s kingdom. Her mother the Queen and the King was still there when they ran. She knows that now is not the time to weep or worry. All she know to do is to reach the Safe Place.

“Aella, my beloved daughter, be sure to keep this Royal Seal close to your heart. This is a symbol of your royalty. If and only if, you hear that we are no more, and only when you know, and you will, that it is time for you to rise up, this seal will be your covering,”.

The King’s last word rings in her head, and as she looks back to the mountains where the palace perched, she saw fire burning and black smokes twisting into a tornado on the horizon.

---------------

Five days has passed since they left, they have not had proper meal except for mushrooms and moss and edible insects , although their bodies is used to the food by now, their energy level is depleting. If this keeps up, their journey to the Safe Place might take longer than intended. “I’ll try hunting. Or maybe fishing, I hear sound of water streaming, there maybe a river somewhere, would be great to have some fish to catch. Have some wild food to fill your stomach, Princess, “ Argo spoke softly, as he do not want to attract unwanted attention within the forest.

Aella nodded and watched Argo swiftly disappear into the forest. She then lie down on the bed of moss they found to rest the night. Starting a fire would be nice but, it would risk them getting found. Running away from the people who wants to destroy you is one problem, staying the night in a damp, chilly forest with no fire does not make the situation fun either.

She sit back up to munch on mushrooms they would occasionally find, stored in their bag. Looking at their current shelter that they just build, although there was no fire, the moss they used as roof on top of their moss bed would help to keep them warm for the night. She could hear the flow of a stream, and if they are lucky, it would lead to a river, hopefully very near to where they are camping, that Argo could fish for food. It would be a great treat after a treacherous five day journey.

Right after feeling satisfied with the mushrooms, she take out the map to where the Queen said she should go. They call it the Safe Place, where Elders who resides in the safe place will take care of her and Argo until the time comes for her to sit where her father sat for the Kingdom.

From where they currently are, they will need to travel much deeper into the forest to find an underground cave that is another 21 days of walking with nights rest, if, there is no encounter with the assassins, and if, there is nothing bad to befall on either one of them. The damp weather, with lack of sun and food for energy, who knows what could happen in the next 21 days. On top of that, the location of the underground cave leading to the Safe Place is hidden from the outside world, and it is not marked on the map. She cannot understand at any point now,on how would the King and Queen could even expect her to find that place with a map that’s not really a map, the Royal Seal with her.

“You’ll know. The Royal Seal is the key,” she recalled the Queen hurriedly said to her when she readies Aella with a few common clothes for her and Argo to escape with, with the Seal and map.

“HOW AM I TO KNOW,” she whispered loudly, frustrated at the sight of the map. Aella just felt empty. She can’t even feel bad for leaving her father and mother behind. She wanted to cry but she just cannot seem to reach that emotion inside of her to come out. She is still in disbelief that this had happened. She still are in a daze, this might just be a pretend play she thought to herself. Probably just a stage to kick her out from the palace, which also she thought would be impossible for her father and mother to do. “WHAT AM I TO DO”, she whispered again, as she stare emptily at the map.

------- tbc

[wordsinherhand]

Such a good read! The best part is to take cover in God until the storm passed by! It is hard but with God, it is possible! I find my feelings and longing for romance is taking control of my thoughts, but the best part is , it had actually led me to run to God so much because I would rather have His presence in my life right now than having romantic ideas that is sweet and gives butterflies to me. This blog is written especially for women!

Cure for the Common Crush

How many different emotions do you have every day? Dozens, scores, maybe even hundreds? Let’s just say that if the average woman was an air-

[wordsinherhand]

This worship session is one of my favourite from UPPERROOM. The Leviticus priesthood is what our generation needs. As you listen to this set, I know that it will move your heart, just as it does to mine. If you are tired, soak in God’s presence with this video. If you are joyful, praise Him with this. Surely, you will be refreshed.

[wordsinherhand]

Your Thoughts: Who Owns Them?

2 Corinthians 10:5, 7 We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,  Look at what is before your eyes. If anyone is confident that he is Christ's, let him remind himself that just as he is Christ's, so also are we. 

There are plenty of factors that can “own” our thoughts. For some, their bank account decides if helping the needy is necessary. For others, their studies decides whether they should worry about future career prospect. Someone else probably have an ambition that needs to be reached, hence, all their decision are based towards reaching their ambition.

For myself, although I never admitted it at first, it is during this season of singleness that I realise for so many years, I had allowed someone else who I think will be my significant other till kingdom come, to become a navigation system to my decision making in life.

When I got into a relationship, it will usually lasts a long time. When it happens, everything I do, whether to decide where to study, where to work, who to be friends with, must be based upon the opinions of my past significant others. Without me knowing, I had let others ( and they don’t know it too), that they own my mind, my life.

Don’t get me wrong, if you’re married, having someone to weigh with you on some of the hardest decisions in life is a great thing! Because two has become one in a holy matrimony, any decision makings has to be discussed together. However, the case I am putting out here is that when someone else has become your counselor instead of God Himself. Instead of seeking His council, I seek the council of others.

When I finished my high school, I wanted to work but of course like any other Asian parents would, my parents wanted me to continue my studies to get a degree locally. I hated that idea! Not only do i need to study locally, I need to take the course that appeals to my parents! I wanted to be FREEEEE from studying and get started with adult life, to earn my own money, to be able to decide what to do with my life on my own!

Writing the words above made me realise that it sounded like the story in the Garden of Eden. I was given the opportunity to live life as a carefree student free from financial responsibility, like Adam and Eve who was given the opportunity to live life carefree, to eat whatever is given to them inthe garden, free feom toiling to get anything done.

But , the idea of knowing the good and bad in life are very tempting, and I took the bite of the apple too, in the form of a make-believe freedom. If I can’t work, I will find another way to gain my freedom, and surely, I found it outside of the safety of my home.

Instead of checking in with God to know what I should do next, I went to consult my then SO, with the advise that if I want to get away from my “controlling” parents, I need to apply for studies FAR away from home, so that I will get freedom. 

I went to pick the course that my parents don’t agree upon, in a faraway state across the sea that they did not want me to be in. This is, the first clear violation of God’s command, which is to obey and honour your parents. Secondly, I chose to trust in people and turn away my heart from God. Because of that I had such a wilderness season out of God’s presence that made me choose one bad choice after another like Jeremiah 17:5-8 says:-

Thus says the LORD:

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man

and makes flesh his strength,

whose heart turns away from the LORD.

He is like a shrub in the desert,

and shall not see any good come.

He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,

in an uninhabited salt land.

That story is one of the many examples of how I faced the big decisions that I had to take in life, and it was all determined by the person whom I am with. Even after I ended things with the said SO, the next SO will also become my lord in helping me make my decisions. I must make sure whatever I decided will ‘honour’ them instead of my family and myself. I should have honoured my parents, love and obey their voice instead of a stranger who barely knew me.

When I chose to study in a faraway place in a course that my parents disliked, it wasn’t entirely ME deciding them. I let others influence me. I had let the fear of losing someone who ‘loves’ me to help me make decisions. They had become the owner of my thoughts. And these people didn’t even realise that they had such an impact in my life.

One of the reasons, that I can identify that leads me to consult my ex-SO’s other than God, is the concept of “loyalty”, and the image of a “submissive wife” in my mind. I thought that my going to them for deciding what to do, is me learning to be submissive, respectful and loyal to them. 

The truth is, though, that if I am unable to submit to God’s voice, all other voices will lead me to my own destruction. The very first example is in my decision to move far away from my family, studying what I want instead of what my parents want. I refused to submit under the authority of my parents, I refused to honour them. On top of that, even when I do submit or are loyal or are obedient to my ex-SOs, all they ended up doing to me is stepped all over me, turning me into their doormat.

It wasn’t their fault entirely, they have goodness in them but we are all fallen from God’s grace , lost from His purpose for us, and so when we can’t find our identity in Him, we rub off our imperfections on each other without reason.

So, who owns your thoughts? When we find security or our identity in others, be it our job, studies, or even in someone else, will we let them be the counselor , or will we turn to and allow God to check the intentions behind of our decisions and desires?

[wordsinherhand]

You’re UGLY!!

Facebook had graciously brought back a memory from 2017 on my timeline, it is a set of my selfie, which I honestly felt cute and beautiful back then, cause I have picked the cutest stickers and filter to enhance my look in it. 

Looking at that photos now, reminded me of this unpleasant sense of insecurity I had when I took them. I took the photos with poses that I see from my ex’s flings and “friends” that I stalked on Instagram or Facebook. The poses is not me. The way I pout my lips, the way I tilt my head, is the exact same way of how his past flings would be in their own photos. I took selfies with stickers and filters that enhances my look so that other girls who might want to get to know him will probably not advance when they see it.

“There is nothing wrong with that, it is only natural for a girl to want to look cute in photos”

Definitely. No girl would want to look bad in a photo. But the issue was the reasons behind the photos.  I’ll pout my lips this way like that girl he talked to last week.

I’ll look at the camera this way like his ex whom he still talks to.

I’ll pose this way like this girl he has been messaging with from work.

I’ll wink in a cute way for him so that he’ll know I can be cute like that girl too.

Nothing about the photo was for the safekeeping of a memory. The only memory I had of the photo was how insecure I was about myself in our 9 years relationship. These photos of me had me screaming “ YOU’RE UGLY!! UNWORTHY!! UNLOVABLE!! ” behind that smile in the name of ‘memory’.

Unknowingly, I had placed my worth, my beauty and my confidence, in a man who is also in search of answers in his own life. My beauty is available when I am in a relationship. My beauty is seen when I ‘belong’ to someone.

His pursuit for a long list of female friends convinced me that I needed to be cheeky, flirty and cute to get him to not look away from me. I was convinced that if I act a certain way, moved a certain way, speak a certain way, according to his preferences, he will not look elsewhere. Yet, despite all that work I put in myself, he will still look elsewhere, and I will become someone else that had gotten his attention, and I lose myself in the process. The more photos I took for him, the more I lose myself.

My definition of beauty, is to look like someone else, while letting my own personality go for the sake of gaining someone’s love and affection.

After many years of being in a relationship, I have finally come to a place of singleness. It was intentional, as I ended things with him early this year, with the help and conviction of the Holy Spirit and witht friends to support my emotional breakdown.

Entering the sixth month of singleness, I finally understood the value of being alone. It is a hidden gem, being single, and I regret not learning about singlehood when I had the chance as a teenager.  Being single or alone does not mean you are ugly like the world dictates. Being single is a gift from God, for you to learn and gain the ability to make decisions ( and mistakes) by yourself WITH God, without anyone else (besides family members and close friends), to affect the big decisions in your life. You can fully be devoted to learn the things of God. Being in a relationship will need you to pay attention to your partner’s needs and sometimes it will affect your walk with God, like mine did. 

1 Corinthians 7:34, NLT: ".... In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband."

Until the day God sends someone who will call you beautiful, pursue God’s kingdom with all you are. He is the One who will complete us and show us our worth through His eyes. I pray that my stories will help those who read it to realise much sooner than I did, that being single is not a scary thing! In Jesus name, Amen.

[wordsinherhand]

Dancing with Your Thoughts

Social distancing has forced its way into our life. All of us are affected and we do not know how to handle this. Even I, the one who loves staying indoors and disliked socialising, feels suffocated by it. This is when your thoughts started to Samba dance its way into your mind. With no proper human interaction, how do we handle this?

Samba Dance is a lively, rhythmical dance that most times showcase a duet. So just like samba, entertaining our thoughts will make our lonely days more interesting. It really does takes two to samba. 

What though, had you chose to Samba with lately? I had a few, and yours will be different than mine. 

I had a good dance with my sense of “justice”, angry at irresponsible individuals who ignores government order to stay home. I danced with the “what if’s”, many one scenarios came out more scary after another on the safety of my family members. 

Today, I am dancing with my single(mother)hood, where there is a desire to have a companion with me, yet the same time I wish the need to be non-existent, cause the thought of getting married and next having another child after my toddler who is fatherless seems unfair for her and selfish of me. I have been dancing with the last thought for quite some time. I had chosen to just pray it away and ignore it with activities and games and other things to do, but finally today, I am forced to sit down with it. I now understand that it is not wrong to have this wants. The wrong I am doing is to ignore the want and alienate it. Or that at times I dwell on it too much.

By recognising a need that may cause me to fall away from God, it enables me to realise that I need someone to hold on to, just like how the author of Psalms 94 say, “I am falling,but You held on to me”.

Think about it. If you fall, the first thing you think of is to have someone/something to hold on to.

Next time, when there is something screaming for your attention, don’t put it aside. Instead, ask God to hold on to you as you feel like you are slipping away.

[wordsinherhand]

Parents? I only obey God!

“For it is better to suffer for doing good if that should be God's will, than for doing evil.”

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭3:17‬ ‭ESV‬‬ I was mind blown today while reading a Bible Plan titled “ Knowing God’s Will”. I have spent most of my growing stage of life thinking that God’s will over me is to serve Him full time in church ministries, or to travel the world for the Gospel, or to be a prayer warrior in a private room all day and night for the needs of others.

I had always thought that to align myself according to His will means to fight anyone who is against my “passion”  to walk into church ministries like worship team or children ministry etc. That I must “fight the good fight of faith” to show myself ‘worthy’ or ‘hungry’ to serve God. At that time, I know ( kind of ) that it should not be wrong to want to serve God!

Because of that, it would lead to actions of me not honouring my parents, being disobedient to their commands and rules. Why? Because I thought, if they are stopping me from doing God’s work, then I should not honour them because “sons will go against fathers, daughters will go against mothers” for the sake of Jesus, right? Matthew 10:35

I am now at a place where God teaches me how to honour the people He had placed in my life. Not only that, He is teaching me the meaning of submission under my parent’s authority.

Although I am now an adult, my parents are still my parents. Even if there are times they would do things that I do not agree on, I should not be annoyed or angry or disrespect them for it. I learn to be quiet, listen, and see how they see. And with my new found stance of honouring my parents, I will share what I know to help them change their perspective or habits with love and respect.

Honouring your parents is one of the many WRITTEN wills of God for us, that we tend to ignore. Why do we ignore them? Because following the desires of our heart is so much nicer than submitting ourselves under authority. See, the desires of our heart may look like it’s lifting God up, but if in the lifting of God’s name leads you to not love people that are close to you, what is the point of glorifying His name?

If you are having trouble following the written Ten Commandments of God but yet you are pursuing the ‘great calling’ with full force, it still means you’re disobeying His will. It does not matter if you are leading a worship team in the church when you do not honour your parents, it is still disobedience.

So in the end, to obey your annoying parents, who are not in trend and ‘does not understand’ your calling may feel like it is suffocating you, it is better to suffer in doing good, in obeying and honouring them than to do evil in His eyes, that is to ignore His written will for us.  Do not believe me but believe in His word when He says He will bless you when you honour your parents. Exodus 20:12, Deuteronomy 5:16.

When you have this simple understanding of His written will, whatever else you pursue, if it is according to God’s will, will fall in the right place.

[rainsoakedumbrella-deactivated2]

"If you have faith the size of a mustard seed," the LORD said, "you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you."

Luke 17:6

[wordsinherhand]

Have you ever wondered about mulberry tree? Their roots run so deep into the ground, and the tree is huuuugeeeeee. You should google “mulberry tree roots”  and see for yourself. And then , the scripture of God says that when your faith is as small as a mustard seed, you can command, a tree that has strong foundational root system to be plucked out of the ground, and plant it into the sea. And the tree will have NO CHOICE but to obey.

Now, get this imagery into your mind. And then, take that tree to represent the things that you feel is stopping you to move forward, and then look at the size of your faith now, it is not as big as you want them to be, right? But Jesus say, it is enough! 

Imagine that meer small faith that you think is not powerful to shift your circumstances, as that mustard seed, and it has the power to pluck out the strong tree. It can pluck out the generational curses that runs in your family, that tiny faith can pluck out the financial burden that runs in your family, that tiny faith can pluck out that cancer, that tiny faith, can pluck out your unsaved loved ones from the pit of darkness out into the light.

All you need to do, is believe that your faith is enough, without looking at how big your faith has to be.

[wordsinherhand]

Pray from Love

We are often taught that to pray is like becoming a warrior, fighting the realm of the unseen , declaring the will of God into our world, so to speak.

And there is a fine line in praying from a fighting stance versus from a loving stance. And I must admit that most of my prayer lifestyle comes from a stance of a fighter. I always thought that when I pray for someone who had hurt me, especially if they are someone who are very close to me, that I should pray fighting for them, to pray for them to be a better person, to pray that “spirit of anger” takes no hold of their hearts, that I should pray for their eyes to be open because they are unaware they have cause pain to my heart.

Luke 6:27–28 (ESV): 27 “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

There is nothing wrong in declaring the word of God on the people you love, however, when you pray from anger, frustration, disappointment, the prayer becomes your weapon against a person instead of for the person. Instead of declaring for a breakthrough, you started listing all the bad things one has done to hurt you , and why it is wrong they did what they did.

But, if you are reading this and this has convicted you, do not let this fall on your heart as a condemnation. Instead, allow yourself this weakness, because after all, we are never perfect. Tell God that if this is not the way to pray, ask Him to lead you with the words and knowledge that you should begin to pray in, by the help of the Holy Spirit.

Without love we are unable to pray through the Father’s eyes, and when your eyes begin to see the people as how God sees them, full of love and compassion, you will also begin to pray from a realm of love, and I promise you, not only will you see how God moves, it will be the most humbling experience you will have in your walk with God, that you were given a place to partner with Him to see how people, and especially yourself, will change for the better of His plan.

[wordsinherhand]

On The Ledge

Note: this writing contains the dark thoughts of suicide, depression, anxiety, abuse. It can be sensitive and triggering for some individuals. Read with discretion. 

My joy is gone; grief is upon me;    my heart is sick within me.  - Jeremiah 8:18

"you’re worthless”

“you’re useless”

“you’re an embarrassment”

“the world don’t need you”

“you’re not contributing anyway, why not just. -DIE-”

“just die already”

“nobody else loves you but me”

“they can’t take your uselessness, I am the only one willing to ‘love’ you”

“i decide if you live or you die”

These thoughts, no matter where it comes from, be it from your partner, family, close friends, bullies, social media, strangers, or even yourself..

Even if right now, the cuts of every word ever spoken over your mind feels like it is the truth rnow, although it feels so real now, that you can feel your heart bleed every time you hear these words in your head or ears..

That even if the weight of it pushes you closer to the ledge.. or knife.. or stairs.. or bus.. or busy road..

Your life, your breathing right now, has a purpose for the world.

That every inhaling of oxygen into your lungs, may feel like a sword cutting your soul, there is a purpose for it.Yes, there always and have been a predestined purpose waiting for you..

I know it may sound far fetched, but there is God. God is real. Just allowing yourself to believe God is real, will be the start of something new.  Traditional religion says “REPENT FROM YOUR SIN TO NOT BE PUNISHED” and it sounds condemning. One of the  But do you know repent just simply means changing your mind, to turn back to God in the original Hebrew language?

Religion will condemn you into thinking you are something wrong somewhere.

But God, just simply wants you to change your mind about Him to return to Him, for you to see that He is indeed, REAL. His love, is real, for you, personalised in ways you know is meant for YOU.

Would you change your mind about Him? Will you see yourself as loved? Will you decide to turn to Him and see that He is actually real? 

Acts 3:19-21 ESV

Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out, that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus, whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago.

[newlifepureheart]

For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense

C. S. Lewis

[bosmerbutt]

[carnationinstantbutch]

*X-files theme*

[hotvampireadjacent]

*x files theme but played on a lute*

[wordsinherhand]

Reblog for X-Files theme playing in my head right now tqvm

[wordsinherhand]

Stuck

2 Corinthians 4:16-17 (ESV)

16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 

17 For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, Do you ever find yourself stuck, that it seemed like you cannot see the direction of where you are going, the dreams you have cultivated a year or two ago seemed like it is on pause and you just felt frozen in time and place?

I was in that box for a month. But, today, although it was kind of late, I did some editing and video making of a promotional video and posting for a work that I have placed on hold, because of that feeling in that one month. And I feel contented and pleased! Applause is in order!

Why was I stuck for a month? After I took the greatest decision to separate from my partner early this year which was a whole moment of freedom for me, next was the Lunar New Year which I felt was not really celebratory but yet still meaningful and after it ended, I was figuratively paralyzed in my mind and heart. I felt like I had no future, so unsure of what to do next.  It probably happened as I was transitioning into singleness. Where making decisions requires it to come from me, without having another person’s requirement to affect my decisions, and that whatever I should decide, I must take into account how it would impact my toddler. 

Have you ever make big decisions on your own? If you have not, who was it that have a huge influence in your decision making stance? Were they necessary in most of the decisions you made?

I can identify two things that had made me stuck for one whole month, unable to move forward, nor did I want to look back and return to my old life. Here it is:-

1. WANT IT NOW

I have so much going on in my mind. I wanted to sew, draw, create videos, design posters, practice my guitar, memorize songs, go jogging, go out on a date with my toddler, hang out with the girls, etc. There is just so much I wanted to accomplish and I want to get it done YESTERDAY. 

I was chasing after false sense of accomplishment. I thought if I could get ALL of the list done in a short time, it is because I am suppose to succeed in doing them for I am hardworking and are trying my absolute best to do it. Because of that, when the things I planned wasn’t going according to the way I wanted it, the slightest,tiniest disturbance of my schedule will disrupt my sense of accomplishment, and that stumped me in my place. I will become frustrated, angry and eventually I will just eat up the frustration and stop doing the plan I laid out and just stare at my phone for hours to numb myself from the frustration and defeat.

2. ASKING FROM SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT

I had this mentality that if God wanted me to do it, He will surely provide me the means to do it, with such strong sense of entitlement. For example, I can play the guitar ( rusty skill now since I left guitar for almost a decade, but this is the entitled me thinking ) but there is no need for me to practice until God calls me to use the guitar somewhere. 

This pride, stopped me from really focusing on playing, and like the point above, if I did pick the guitar up to play, the moment something disrupts my guitar playing session, I will just stop because of annoyance and angry because someone or something trying to stop me accomplishing something in that moment.

I will then proceed “righteous” prayer, asking God to come back faster , or to bring me into my calling sooner, so that I do not have to “suffer” the “world” trying to stop me pursuing God’s calling for me.

It is not wrong to pray such way, it is something we should pray for, for our purpose in life to come to pass, for us to meet the Lord and rejoice in His magnificent presence! But, most of the time our prayer sounds like we are asking God to move in our terms, in the way we like and how we want it. Your prayer that says “ Lord, You can change my situation now” will not change anything, there will be no break through, there will be no visible direction because you are clouded by ‘me,me,me,mine,mine,mine’ mentality. When your prayer change to “Lord, You can change me for this situation now,” God’s hand move mightily. And I am experiencing that now.

THE PRAYER

Psalm 37:7 , 18

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! The Lord knows the days of the blameless,  and their heritage will remain forever; 

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 

When I changed my prayer, my eyes, my heart was instantly shaken. I prayed, or in better words, I cried to God honestly, I cry out to the Father who created me in my mother’s womb, of the things that I see in my heart that is holding me back. My idea of success, accomplishment, expectations, all went out of the window of my mind, as God was changing my worldy idea of accomplishments and success, into a Kingdom mindset of accomplishments and success.

Within that one moment of change, I came into a realization that I need Him to change ME, not my situation. I then cried out to God the Father, I spilled out all my concerns, my worries, my lacking and my dreams, I told Him the aching desires in my heart, the things I want for myself and my child, and after that episode, I hear Him say , “ Be still, fret not over other’s accomplishments, I know what is to come in your life, and you know My plans for you is not to harm,” 

The awareness of knowing He is in control, that His love will lead me to where He needs me to be eventually, opened my eyes to just steward myself in ways He would want me to.

Taking one step at a time to work with what I have now without strive is so rewarding. He renews me daily for the work I need to get done for the day.

I am a mother, a daughter, a friend, a servant in Children Ministry, an aspiring decor entrepreneur that really has no idea where or how will I be financially stable but in Him will I trust, and I will do all of what I am called into NOW, one step at a time. 

I will serve my daughter with smiles, I will serve my parents joyfully, I will chit chat with my friends happily, I will do the things I have now with peace.

I am currently writing too, as a way to tell God and myself, I will not delay just because there is no channel, I will write on Tumblr (because gifs reactions and no one reads on Tumblr, so that I can practise writing without the weight of having an audience) to sharpen my writing skill.

If you are stuck, allow God to check your heart. Sometimes, changing the one verb or adjectives in your prayer shifts your eyes to the Father’s will in you.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable, and when you see there is something need to be dealt with, within you, do not condemn yourself of the things you find ugly but immediately give all that ugliness into His hand, because beating yourself up will not help you get your breakthrough, telling yourself you are no good is not your job to do, you are in no position to judge others so you are also in no position to judge even yourself, so, give it all to Him will most certainly bring you into a new place of freedom, just go to Him without fear. He is there for you.

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What’s Stopping You?

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 English Standard Version (ESV) 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 

8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

Remember when you were a young kid, as you grow, there is so much ambition birthed in your heart. You wanted to become a pilot, or a doctor with cool stethoscope, or maybe an air stewardess looking chic , or a well known fashion designer, an outspoken politicians, etc.. Has it all been buried since then? What happened?

As I take some time to take a step back and watch the reel of my life play in my mind from the day I was filled with ambition till the day I became ambition-less, I had come to a conclusion that there is indeed that one thorn, that I had always prayed for God to take away, that I also allowed to control my life, and it is the personality that I had taken as my identity.

“What do you mean?” you ask. Well, here is a situation I constantly battle and still am this minute. I’ll break it into two parts.

1. The Thorn

In my heart, I have this hunger into a calling that I cannot explain, but I know it is from God, yet I do not see how I can be called into it.

For example, (this is a battle as an example of calling) , I feel called to be involved in the welcoming committee of my church because I want to serve people yet at the same time, I have a people problem. I am bad at starting conversation, I am awkward around people and I will immediately shut down at the sign of people getting bored at me.

In the early years before the hype of personality classification started, being called an introvert sounds like an awesome thing. I embraced that. I allowed myself to be identified as someone who loves staying at home, hated society and it cultivated into having an extreme anxiety towards socialising.

It came to a point where I had to realise that being an extreme introvert is not who I am called to be, it isn’t the identity I should be embracing, because apparently, it has stopped me from becoming what I have been called into, in this case, to be the warmest welcoming usherer in the welcoming commitee of my church! To be the vessel that emits the grace and love of God welcoming and inviting the lost and broken people into His house!

And there is something in your own life too that stops you pursuing your dream. You want to be a singer but you think you’re a bad performer. You want to be a speaker but you have stage fright. You want to do so many things but there is something that you have identified and allowed it to become your identity.

2. The Begging

See where I am getting with this? Sometimes, the thorn in your flesh isn’t something that is terrible, it might just be something that overtime, grew to become you and there is no self help book, therapy, positive vibe can help you to get out of that. Like what any faithful Christian would do, I begged God to break me from that identity. I begged Him to take it away and replace that defect in me with something new. I asked God to just shape me into a new being that isn’t timid, afraid of people and are approachable.

However, just like how God would answer Paul, He said that His grace is sufficient in my weakness. I went like...

At first, I wasn’t having it. I was mindblown because I thought “ God, I thought You desire to change me into a new creation! I don’t understand what grace are You talking about!”.

I thought I submitted my weakness to be transformed into another thing. But over the years, I never changed. Everytime I feel God calling me out to meet people, I cried. I hated God for it.

However, I also know His plan is better than mine, so of course I obeyed, and always, when I obeyed, despite being filled with anxiety, His peace will fill me and His hand will be on my shoulder, as a reminder that I do not need to be afraid of the people He is sending to my path, and it is always a powerful experience. And whenever I experience anxiety, He always helped me overcome, so after that , I had nothing else to do but to first, say sorry to Him for being so angry and hated His instruction, and second, giving thanks and praise Him for His goodness.

FINALE:

His Grace is Sufficient

I now understand that, when I submit my weakness into His hand, it is not for that part of me to be transformed, but for that part of me to be filled with His character, which is the desire to reach out to people, to talk to them, to connect just the way He would have wanted because I cannot do it. Instead of being afraid of that part of me becoming who I was, I simply just give it to God as a room He can occupy, so that instead of the timid, awkward me that’s at the door, it is Him at the door with open arms welcoming others into His arms.

Sometimes, it isn’t about the need to be transformed that is stopping you from doing what you are called to do, sometimes it is the need to submit yourself under His grace, to enter into your calling. I pray that in the very area you are lacking, if there isn’t any clear indication that it is transforming, that you will see obedience is sometimes recognising the thorn needs to stay in order for God to be glorified. In Jesus’s wonderful name, it shall be seen as so. Amen.

[parenclisi-deactivated20150920]

Galilei Galilei: Pleiades, Sidereus Nuncius.

[wordsinherhand]

so pweeetyyyyyyyyyyy

[wordsinherhand]

Faith | Shawn Bolz | Expression58

2.2.20 | Sunday morning service E58 exists to be a city on a hill that beholds Jesus and puts his brilliance on display. We aim to live the gospel in such a ...

Faith must become the fuel to do the things God calls us to enter!

[wordsinherhand]

LOVING OTHERS IS HARD

John 13:34-35 King James Version (KJV)

34 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.

35 By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

I am very blessed to be in a church where love is just very real, raw and vulnerable that is backed with fierce, strong and powerful aura of belonging that invites and welcomes anyone who walks into our group. Spending almost two years with them, getting all the love from them has helped me grow into the woman I have only dared to dream, that I never thought I could be. Bear with me as I am getting to the juicier , truthful, ugly part of my heart. I am spilling it here so that others can relate. Now, I am in a new season, where not only I feel like the love from them is getting distanced, I want more attention! I want them to see me! I want them to hear what I have to say, that I am not invisible.

And I realise this is selfish, and I only realise that in order to be filled with fresh love, I should pour out the love I received from others in my previous season, to those who needs them like I needed them , when I first came to them broken and lost. So let me tell you why, I am feeling this, and I know someone out there feels the same. Drum Rollllssss please......

Because, I want to be validated.

Does it make sense? Getting validated first, will lead me to doing something second. My doing of something will only get started when I see someone approved of me doing it. Do any of you feel this too? You will not do something unless seen, told or acknowledged because you weren’t sure that you will be appreciated. As I am writing this, I realize that my condition of love is this: to start loving others when they show me they love me too. 

This is not a bad thing, mind you. There is nothing wrong to love someone back when they show you love. What is wrong with that idea is that, it will dictate the way we treat people. Our decision on approaching people will be based on “ what have they done for me to receive love from me?”.

I realise, my issue that is stopping me from loving others as how God has called me to is:

1. FEAR OF COMMITMENT

That I am afraid of commitment. I fear that I will not be able to commit into a friendship fully, until I know for sure that the other will still be there even at my worst. And that is not how we are called to enter into a relationship. I had this issue because, let me be real and raw, growing up with bitterness towards my mom, like expecting a surprise lunchbox in my bag for school but there was non, watching other kids have great food prepared by their moms, made me kept this , unnecessary expectation on people. And when these expectations I have set, was never met by the people I thought was suppose to be what they are, I break. 

2. FEAR TO DISAPPOINT

I am afraid that when I commit and are unable to reach the expectations others might have of me, I might disappoint them, and I understand what it means to be disappointed and so, I do not want to enter into so much relationships with people. Disappointment is painful, it really cuts deep into the heart and it stings. And that sting, stays for a very long time. That is why, I always need to get a sign of validation to know what I am doing, or who I am spending time with are with the right people according to my set of rules and criteria.

But for the past few days, I came to a realization that nothing that I will do , the things I had done, or the things I am going to do in 5 minutes , is going to change the way God loves me. That He never wants me to commit to anyone else but Him, that He never placed any expectations on me, that He has called me His child and I am always going to be safe in His embrace. And once I learn to see myself the way He sees me, I will also learn how to see others the way He sees them, His children that He wants to love. And He wants His love to not only come from Him, He wants to use His love in me to love others too. Yes, I will say this again, Loving others is super hard for me as an introvert, as someone who do not have great accomplishments in life, no degrees, no great career, no husband,  as a single mom, as someone who is afraid to disappoint people, but, as long as I do not let that become my identity, and embrace my identity in Christ,I will allow myself to learn how to love others as how God has loved me.

I pray this will help anyone see that you are not weird for not being able to love others, you’re just in a learning journey and do not beat yourself up when you think you failed in that department. Come to Him and He will lead you to the right people to love and to be loved.

Hugs from Christ,