#TransformationTuesdays
I feel like I’m living in a Twilight Zone episode... In the past 14 days folks that I hang out regularly (by that I mean at least once a week) at some point didn’t recognize me for a couple of seconds. The first incident was my sister. We were at some place and I walked over to her to tell her something and she thought that I was a complete stranger and got all weird! We both laughed as she told me she thought I was some random ass guy MY OWN SISTER! I laughed it off and for a moment I thought that this was I good thing and I was getting places.
The second time was when I was at the gym going to meet two friends of mine and neither of them recognized me either! One of them talked about how I’ve changed and I don’t look the same. I know to her she thought this was a compliment but I couldn’t help be feel weird. It was like one of those moments when you’re running faster than your body can handle and you fall flat on your face.
The last one was this past Friday. I went with a friend of mine to a gay bar to see Sharon Needles perform. I asked him to wait for me outside of the restroom while I went to go pee and I find him staring at me with his mouth open like if he’s wants to say something but is hesitant for a second until I walk closer. When he realizes its me he starts laughing and tells me that he thought I was some random dude! The first two were funny (and this one was too) but I started freaking about badly. I started feeling like I was somehow becoming a whole new person, that would for some reason lose connection with everyone from their past. I am not ready for this. I’m afraid of changing internally, a thought I had thought about while I was questioning my gender years ago. Is it possible that every little thing about me will change the point where I’m no longer me? Will people see me as someone else and lose the friend I was to them before? Will they treat me differently? and what does this all me to who I am inside? If my inner parts are moving as the night before christmas eve in a child’s brain.
The freakiest part of all of this is that today I saw my reflection today and I wondered why there was a person on my screen doing the same gestures in the same manner and sequence as I was. I think i’ve lost myself. Or maybe I’m just shedding the outer layers of my skin and showing everyone even myself the fleshy parts underneath.