#hogwats incorrect

[ravenerdhogwartsincorrectquotes]

*at dinner*

Slytherin: Raven, I think I’ve made a mistake.

Ravenclaw: I can see that. Unless you're planning on running a marathon, choosing both stuffing and mashed potatoes is a starch filled redundancy.

Slytherin: No, it's about Huff.

Ravenclaw: A mistake involving Hufflepuff? Okay, you'll have to narrow it down.

Slytherin: I don't think I can go out with them tonight.

Ravenclaw: Then don't.

Slytherin: Other people would say “why not?”

Ravenclaw: Other people might be interested.

Slytherin: I'm going to talk anyway.

Ravenclaw: I assumed you would.

[ravenerdhogwartsincorrectquotes]

Hufflepuff: Hey Slyth, how are things with you and Beauxbaton?

Slytherin: Oh, to be honest, I don’t think it’s going to work out.

Hufflepuff: Oh, oh that’s too bad. Well hey, don’t worry, I’m sure there is someone out there who is just right for you. (Walks away smiling).

Slytherin: Well what did they mean by that? Was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?

Ravenclaw: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Magikster’s? This is a single decker hamburger whereas the Magiksters is a double decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.

Slytherin: Are you even listening to me?

Ravenclaw: Of course I’m listening. Blah blah, pining for hufflepuff, blah blah blah.

[ravenerdhogwartsincorrectquotes]

Slytherin: Hello Raven.

Ravenclaw: Hi Slyth.

Slytherin: Raven I would like to propose an experiment.

Ravenclaw: Goggles, Slyth.

Slytherin: Right. *puts on goggles* Raven, I would like to propose an experiment.

Ravenclaw: Hang on. I’m trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o’ noodles.

Slytherin: Pfff, I’ve done it, about two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.

Ravenclaw: Wait, are you asking me out?

Slytherin: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague/friendship paradigm, with the addition of a date-like component. But we don’t need to quibble over terminology.

Ravenclaw: What sort of experiment would you propose?

Slytherin: There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Emma Watson or Benedict Cumberbatch.

Ravenclaw: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.

Slytherin: Heartrate, pheromones, etc, yes.

Ravenclaw: Well, why don’t we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable.

Slytherin: You mean, kiss you now?

Ravenclaw: Yes.

Slytherin: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?

Ravenclaw: Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?

Slytherin: Thank you. *Takes mint*. Shall I count down from three?

Ravenclaw: No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.

Ravenclaw, tiptoes up: *kisses Slyth*

[ravenerdhogwartsincorrectquotes]

Gryffindor: Okay, I didn't quite know what chocolate you liked, so I got them all.

Ravenclaw: ...

Ravenclaw: Gryff, love, that's like four hundred boxes-

[ravenerdhogwartsincorrectquotes]

What’s it like being Slytherin’s best friend? How would you describe them?

Ravenclaw: This by far isn’t the most interesting thing, but: they wear day of the week socks.

Ravenclaw: and they deliberately wear them on the wrong days, just so their socks know whos in charge.

Ravenclaw: And I think that sums them up quite nicely

[ravenerdhogwartsincorrectquotes]

Ravenclaw: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 380, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.

(Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.)

R&S:

Slytherin: What do you think their combined IQ is?

Ravenclaw: Just grab the door.

[ravenerdhogwartsincorrectquotes]

Gryffindor: Wow, Ravenclaw looks so calm and composed. I wonder how they do it?

Ravenclaw, internally: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck f-

[ravenerdhogwartsincorrectquotes]

Slytherin: What did Hufflepuff mean, “you’d make a cute couple”?

Ravenclaw: Well I assume they meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, and somewhat less likely interpretation, is that you could manufacture one. As in, oh look, Slytherin and Gryffindor made Mr and Mrs Goldfarb, aren’t they adorable.

Slytherin: If Hufflepuff didn’t know that Gryff had already turned me down then that would unambiguously mean that they, Huff, thought that I should hear them, Gryff, out, indicating that they, Huff, had no interest in me asking them, Huff, out. But because they did know that I had asked Gryff out and that they, Gryff, had turned me down then they, Huff, could be offering consolation. That’s too bad, you would have made a cute couple. But while thinking, good, Slyth remains available.

Ravenclaw:

Ravenclaw: You’re a lucky mage, Slyth.

Slytherin: How so?

Ravenclaw: You’re talking to one of the few mages in the Western hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.