full of sad and unhappy feelings tonight. Which is just so unlike me. I mean, I get spats of emotion. Anger, happiness, jealousy. But this is just... so many things that I can't get rid of. I should be ecstatic, but I'm just not.
*ahem*
numero uno: Tyler played settlers with Billy, Amy, and Marissa after me asking him to play with me for the last four days. So instead he takes it to play with other people. Great, thanks. It's petty... but it is what it is.
numero dos: Ryan and Haylie are with a group of students from their new church at CIY this week. I spent so much time with Haylie last year at CIY, and we talked a lot and it just makes me miss her soo bad. We bonded over Harry Potter and she just really got everything I talked to her about. I saw Ryan nearly twice a week for three years, and he took me to CIY as many times, it's just hard for me sometimes to feel the fact that he's not in my life anymore. That's so sad to me.
numero tres: Amy irritates me, and it irritates me that Marissa says she was being so sweet. I have this really crappy thing where I want my brothers girlfriends to like me a lot. I've been like this with every girlfriend Dell and Tyler have ever had. I guess it's a combination of knowing my brothers have a woman in their lives more important than me, and wanting them to like me so that me being around isn't an issue. It's dumb, but so is everything else. I mean, compared to all the good things are we just finding things to be unhappy about when we feel sad?
numero quatro: Am I distancing myself too much? I have many close friends. Cory, Shannon, Nic, Linda, Jana, Frank. All of my small group girls.. So feeling like I have no one to talk to shouldn't even be a feeling for me. I do have people to talk to. So why do I feel like the only thing I can do to feel okay is make a whiny post on tumblr? Do I reach out to my friends enough for them to reach out to me too? It goes both ways, my desire is that my friends feel like they can talk to me if they need to, and I hope that they desire the same for me.
numero cinco: money. I'm just stressed about school, I suppose. Being broke sucks, but I'm fairly confident that EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY! haha. it's hardly an issue, but it's been a thought a lot lately.
numero uno: Harry Potter. I think that is self-explanatory.
numero dos: I just bought a DSLR camera. I had decided today not to buy such a fancy camera because I don't need it, but it was a really good deal and I just took the plunge. It wasn't too much more than I was planning to spend.
numero tres: I'm going to OK. Seriously, when I tell people I'm going there, all they say is WHY? I say, why not?! Lol. But really, going to the ranch is so important to me. It's a part of me. It is one of the most amazing places in the world, even though that would probably not make sense to anyone else. When I show you pictures you're just going to be like...okay? haha. But it's so good to me. I grew up there. I love it.
numero quatro: school. I have so many amazing things to look forward to. The one I'm most excited for is ministry teams. I feel like it's going to be so good and so much fun. I hope I'm right. I'm going to be really busy next semester, but hopefully it will be extremely fulfilling.
I'd say that's all. I feel better already. It's good to think of all the bad things and realize that they're not as bad as you think they are. I think I just needed to get it out of my head. I love you <3
