Czerka Home Entertainment releases “Don't Kriff With The King”
The holofilm premiered and the reviews have been fairly decent, however not all critics were fond of the followup holo to “Rising of the Tide”.
(Make sure to read to the end as a potential opportunity to be in future vids comes up!)
Use the pirated link above to watch this horror show without paying for such a cinematic atrocity
I'm sure most of you dear readers have heard of the latest holofilm release by the late writer/director Aulter Balo'Ghrint. If you haven't, I envy you. Critics applaud it as a holo-cinematic masterpiece but me, an intellectual citizen of the galaxy, can accurately and properly call it what it is; a monstrous eye sore of a disasterpiece. I mean, yes, we can all agree that the visuals were absolutely stunning works of art, no contest. But the plot? The characters? The ultra progressivist undertones? All a stain mocking the established canon of the 1313 cinematic universe.
First, and possibly the most glaring issue is the overbearing and hippocratic use of non human species for the entirety of the holofilm's casting. I get it, it's been centuries since holofilm was christened as an art across the galaxy and minority species are still struggling to get cast in major roles, but there is a limit to such shameless anti-human initiatives. How am I supposed to find my escapism in a world without humans? I'm no Hothflake like these pseudo-political filmmakers but there is no way I can connect to cast of entirely non-human species. And then they throw all their Gizka footing, ultra inclusive, incessantly overbearing sensitive political correctness out the window with everything about the villian played by Sopak Teks. I mean they literally LITERALLY named the character "Gross Dude" and as if that's not offensive enough to the entirety of the Quarren species, they have the "beloved" anti-hero The Bull King - an absurd name to begin with - openly mock his appearance in the holofilm. Now look who is being insensitive and offensive.
Speaking of this "Bull King", I mean the entire character is a trope in and of itself. He's the macho male equivalent of a Spacey-Sue. No real man can fly a hoverboard, whilst winning a blaster shootout, doding bolts left and right, make witty one-liners without missing a beat and only by the grace of a glancing shot unleash the mother of all lazily written deus ex machina bantha poodoo trump cards to win the day. It's absurd, it's one dimensional and it lacks any intrigue. Like he's suddenly a good guy because he has a droid dog as a best friend? Please. Sheev only follows him around because it's programmed to be his friend and is the only existence in the galaxy that can tolerate his whiny brat attitude.
Then there's that other thing. It's nothing major. Only decades of built up 1313 cinematic lore that's utterly thrown out the window. I mean come on. Nobody with half a brain really believes a Quarren would let their speeder get taken out by a mutt shaking like he just climbed out of a Dagobah swamp. It's been established time and time again that this is a species that would never give up that easy. But no, a new writer at the helm decides he's just gonna throw all the fan expectations out the window, take a big dump on decades of devotion and galaxy changing lore to go out of his way with this woefully underwhelming plot twist. If you can even call the major climaxes wet fart of a fizzle a twist. Sopak's character just outright lets his speeder crash like that? No way. Not my canon. He would have taken control of the vessel, he would have jumped to safety if he had to, but he would never have given up so easily. Who ever let director Ghrint write this mess and put it to motion should be fired. No, that's too easy. They should be jettisoned from an airlock into deep space. This movie ruined my childhood. I'm honest to glob going to have my own memory wiped of every 1313 series holomovie just because of how this one terrible pile of space garbage ruined them all.
So it's time to cast blame. I'd say throw your rage at the writer and director, mister Balo'Ghrint himself. He made this misery come to life. He knew he would piss of half the fan base, and you never mess with the fanbase. But it wasn't just him. After the already controversial release of 'Rising of the Tide' you'd think Horizon Media's executives would have been smart enough to cut ties with that space brained moron. Yet here we are, another blatant failure on their part. So that leads us to point a finger at the one and only executive producer, miss Vesha Syphex. I mean thank kriff she moved on to be a Czerka exec. Least she can claim this was a mistake of the past, since 'Don't Kriff With The King' was made was made years ago and she's since left that production company in the dust. Oh wait, Czerka Home Entertainment released this relic from the past in their latest Czerkterian Collection? Why, that would make Syphex just as accountable for this vile insult to holocinema being added to the official 1313 canon. Come on people. We have so much great material to work with from the old extended galaxy works that were deemed "uncanon" when Czerka bought production rights from now defunct Horizon Media. They could have drawn from any of those perfect stories instead of throwing actual vitriol onto my datascreen. I would gladly pay to see the Magnificent Seventeen Bantha Wizards come to life. That was my favorite book when I was 4. Or make a story about Spoonful, the adorable force sensitive spoon that rose to galactic power in issue #77 of the holomag Forceful Four.
I propose, dear true fans of 1313, that you join me in boycotting Czerka Home Entertainment and this new lore we're being forced fed. Do not pay to see this torture. In fact, I've even attached a holonet page where you can pirate the holovideo without giving a single credit to those pandering progressivists, thinking it's their place to force such blatant wimpy beliefs at us. I don't need social correctness, I need good stories. Stories that make the galaxy great again.
Zero out of five, would NOT kriff with this king.
#NotMyQuarren #BoycottCzerka #GhrintTheKriffOut #GladHeisGone #FireVeshaSyphex #StillBetterThanTheLastGoodGuy #CzerkaJerk #REEEEEEEEEEEEEE #Make1313GreatAgain
------ A follow up from Czerka Home Entertainment's press division --------
Following the massive and not at all divisive reception of our latest release, we have given the greenlight to the production of a multiple season holonet show directed by Arri Jones, a man somehow mysteriously sharing an identical mind to to the late Aulter Balo'Ghrint, seeing as how he was the best director in all 1313 cinematic history. We are now allowing him entirely free reign on a new Telos IV based series. However, he has remarked that production relies solely on the desire of locals to be cast in the roles for the show to proceed. Contact him directly for more info, though bare in mind, production may take multiple years [rl months] and editing even longer [likely one month+ for editing per episode, unless we go the route of just pumping out movies] and all actors and actresses will be compensated accordingly for their work.
[[IM me, Arri Jones (perry.spizel), either inworld or in Discord, if you wish to take part in this endeavor with me. Will all be rp'ed out IC with credit rewards. Certain roles may take months to complete, others just days, all depends on what you want to do. Not even sure if other people like this stuff, so really it comes down to that. If ya'll want more, we can make more. If not, I'm happy with what I've done :D Cheers!]]
