#holoprograms

[deepspacenightshift]

The most popular genre of holo-novel on Deep Space Nine right now is Space Pirate Romance, perhaps owing to the fact that Quark’s Bar got a bunch of Space Pirate holo-novels for cheap recently.

“Space Pirates” is a catchall term for pirates that prey on spacefaring vessels, usually involving scrappy renegade crews of Romulans, Ferengis, and Humans, with spicier things like Betazoids and ex-Borg thrown in for good measure.

You are either captured by Space Pirates or you start as one, although there’s a subgenre called “Space Prisoner” where you are some kind of official that captures or is put in charge of a (possibly reformed) Space Pirate or crew. Interestingly, you don’t actually have to do a romance plot to enjoy Space Pirate Romance holo-novels; they feature plenty of action and twists and pure chaotic fun without adding romance.

One of the popular tropes of Space Pirate Romance is “the universal translator is broken”, allowing the unusual experience of trying to communicate with the crew while only hearing their speech as unintelligible murmuring, roaring, chittering, and clicking.

The biggest draw might be the fact that ultimately, the Space Pirates are kind and good. No matter how odd-looking, how foreign, how initially cruel they seem, they always turn out to have—as Humans put it—“hearts of gold”.

[deepspacenightshift]

It’s so hard to find decent non-romantic holoprograms! I’ve heard that it’s different on starships, but it seems like on DS9 you find maybe one in ten holoprograms that aren’t titled “Vulcan Love Slave pt. 5″ or “Taken By Surprise” or “A Gratitude Festival Reunion”.

And if you count out the romantic holoprograms, the rest are... well... unpredictable. Klingon opera, “Heroic” Klingon holoprograms, Human action-adventure stories, educational holoprograms teaching traditional cooking of various species or pre-military Cardassian culture, complex strategy games for seven players, “Existence As A Crystal Being”, “Cuddly Critters For Children”, and “Moonlit Evening Meditation On Vulcan” are some of the ones I’ve seen while browsing.

[thebestparisyouhave]

Date Night Preparations

Computer, activate program Paris Autumn Farm and open the file for changes.

Ah, just how I left it, pretty as a picture. Okay. Let’s doll up that sky a bit. Computer, get rid of the clouds, make it a clear day about oh... two hours from sunset. 

That’s better. 

Now we need some transportation. Access component file Drafthorse-Hayride and add it to this program.

Give me a driver, say... male, mid-60′s, farmer. In keeping with the theme. 

Yup. He’ll do nicely. 

Okay, computer, show me the pumpkin patch.

Good. Now show me the corn maze. 

And finally, show me the apple orchard. 

Woah. That is a serious ladder. Did I put that there? Computer, shorten the ladder by a third.

Alright. Now that we have our ingredients we just need a place to eat. Show me bookmarked location number three and set it for dinner. 

That’s nice, very private I like it. But delete two of the place settings and two chairs. Make the table square. Decorate with sunflowers instead of roses.

And finally, the menu. Give me a country cook, female... make her the wagon driver’s wife. Good. 

I need her to take our ingredients and whip them into... hm. Computer, suggest a menu highlighting the following ingredients: Corn, squash, pumpkin, apples and... Uh. Whoops, forgot something. Add some cows to the pasture along with a stool and pail, we’re gonna need cream. 

Great. Okay, use those ingredients along with pork and suggest a menu.

Pumpkin and cream soup, pork chops and squash with pumpkin seed vinaigrette, roasted corn on the cob, apple tarts a la mode for dessert. Wow, nice job, computer. Just need something to wash it down... how about apple cider sangria. 

We’ll do coffee with dessert so add that in there too. Ooh, make it with caramel liquor to go with the pie.

And now, we must have a proper romantic sunset. Computer, when dinner is served, begin a sunset, time it to take forty minutes. Preview that for me now with a one minute time lapse. 

Oh. That is a sight to behold. And now I gotta get to work. Save program and end. I will be see you again tonight, farm-girl in tow.

[thebestparisyouhave]

To: Mrs. Maria Ayala

From: Lt. Thomas E. Paris @missingmymike 

Hi there Mrs. Ayala.  At the end of the last data stream you sent me a request to make a holoprogram for Mike. I’d be happy to help. 

Is there any other information you can give me on what you’d like included in the program? It’s purpose? The picture is a good start but I wasn’t sure if you just wanted the beach and makeshift tent, or a re-creation of you as well. And, uh, in the off-chance this is the kind of program I’m thinking it is, no need to mince words, I’ve done those kinds before too.

Oh, and what date would you like it delivered? I’ll keep it anonymous so he won’t know how it got there (if you want to include a little letter for me to have it delivered with, that would be good). I’ll reserve a timeslot for him on that day and take care of the hours and everything. 

Best,  -Tom