#homeblogging

[hsuoring]

Sensory hell!!!!!!!!!

[hsuoring]

no

I just need to type this out and not bother anyone directly but if I don’t say it somewhere I’m going to go insane It’s literally day 1 of 8 of being here and I am fucking exhausted. I truly don’t even know how to quantify what it is about this place that makes me feel so drained, so tired, so on edge and scared all the fucking time. It’s not even winter but being here feels like something huge and burning cold is holding me up by the arms and swinging me in circles Nothing and nobody that I look at holds joy or life. I can honest to god feel people and things dying all around me

Couple that with staying with my mom- I forget every time what this is like; how could I forget if not willingly- and it’s a complete mess. Everything here is rules that can and do make a person with clinical OCD feel like the sanest individual alive

People being imperfect is dangerous and disgusting. The constant judgment of people’s most minor shortcomings (a cough, touching something the wrong way or in the wrong order, the wrong tone of voice, the wrong idea or concept) cannot be easy to keep up, but she manages. Every voice is like the clang of a metal pitcher on tile. The floor is dangerous (it doesn’t matter what floor, or where, or when it was cleaned, or how it looks; it could be the cleanest floor in the world and it’s still a hazard due to being A Floor), excessive handwashing all the time, EVERYTHING is dirty to my mom I swear to god, and she makes it known to everyone around her, she literally sees the entire world through a lens of imagined filth and it ends up making the world feel tainted. And I forget, and let this be a reminder, that I’m also tainted. Because I went to college (my habits became bad despite college not changing anything about them), because I own electronics that I use in public, because I wear clothes places? And wear them a lot? I don’t even know. It’s all wrong and there’s an order to everything I must do if she’s present and even if I did things correctly, she doubts me until I doubt myself and I don’t know, did I wash my hands the right way? Did I step on the slippers? Because sometimes standing near the slippers might as well be stepping on them, if she has a say in it. How did I do this for that long

The world here is this weird cage of fake contamination and passive aggression and having my every move, my every silent moment scrutinized until I’ve finally Done Something Wrong (and doing nothing won’t save me from that)

Normally I find things that are scary or morbid to be interesting. I love them, I love being able to love them, and I think that’s because I know a life much more real and much more terrifying than any of that, any of that escapable fantasy bullshit, here in this white fucking cage with figurative cameras on every inch of the walls, lists of impossible demands and riddles etched under the paint until you’re forced to chip it away with your nails to figure them out

Never ever alone, never ever in the right, never ever a sound mind, never ever left to be.

But she’s pushed everyone else away already, apparently, because they also Messed Up and it will NEVER be resolved if she needs to prompt it and people can’t guess on their own what they did wrong, so even though I’ve had just about enough already, I will stay. I’ll stay and wonder which alternate universe I accidentally slipped into that let me get out of here two years ago. They say people move to Florida to retire and die, but if every factor were out on the table, it would be clear that being born here and trapped here forever by that small town mentality until you die is a whole lot crueler. 

I’m gonna draw and go to bed

[kieren-fucking-walker]

The buses have Merry Christmas written in lights on them but it so dark that's all I saw floating towards me through the night

[futonland-blog1]

Monday Blues?

[qkawo]

!!!!!!!! Finished the walls and floors in my bedrooms, it’s so much better holy shit

Now to put listings by the floor and paint the window sills ahh

[godsbyanyothername]

Batty made a wild friend today.

[qkawo]

Chicken & house stuff under readmore

Aa I tried fermenting our chicken feed 3 days ago and today it had the bubbles and smelled good, put it in w the chickens and almost all went to eat it over the unfermented feed i put in too... Nice nice nice

I’m still painting the fence to my house but ill be moving in like 2 weeks... After the fence and we’ve paved the entry we’ll start working on building the hen pen and quail cages... So exciteddDDD I rly hope my neighbors won’t have a problem with it, not even sure how I’ll ask rip

I’ve drawn the outline for the quail pen and it’ll be 2 cages (2,4 meters long) that u can divide into 4 whenever it’s needed. Gonna use the bottom cage to test out rabbits as well and then build a larger colony style pen to them if I’m into it... SO MANY PROJECTS im gonna be delirious for like 2 years from this

[qkawo]

I made rose marmalade!! Too much lemon (we have huge lemons apparently whoops) but u won’t taste that on a sandwich so w/e