To the Mommies Who Lose It Sometimes
Yesterday it was the shower. Again. My daughter went in, let the water run, came out claiming she washed, and the smell told the real story. I felt that familiar heat rise, and the words started flying before I could catch them. "That's how you get sick." "Kids don't want to be friends with the smelly girl." True, maybe, but said in a way meant to sting, not to teach.
I caught myself afterward and realized something. It wasn't really the shower. It was the disobedience underneath it, the feeling of not being heard for the hundredth time, and that offense is what turned into anger, and the anger is what turned into words that wound. Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount that anger held onto, left to harden into contempt, is its own kind of violence, even without a hand ever being raised. That hit me hard, because I know exactly what that contempt sounds like coming out of my own mouth.
So this morning I sat with it before God instead of just moving past it. This is the prayer that came out, typed exactly as it left me, tears and all.
Father God,
Thank you for a new morning and a place to wake up warm and safe. Thank you for your counsel and the Holy Spirit for guiding me, alerting me to my wrongdoing, and even in frustration, letting my daughter know that she is worthy of friends and that nothing is wrong with her. Help me guide my children with wisdom and understanding, even when I'm tired and carrying a lot. Help me soften my heart, help me hold your truth, and change me from the inside out. Protect our family from offenses and strongholds, break chains, and cast out any forces that wish to rise against us, in Jesus' name. Shame and condemnation have no place here, just your redemption. Help me humble myself today so there is room for more of you. I cannot do this alone, not by my own strength.
Clean and wash my wounds so they no longer have the power to hurt my children, because I love them deeply. Let my heart sit in gratitude so I rest and rejoice that they are a gift to me, before I drown in my frustrations. Forgive me if I have ever cursed them in anger or wounded their spirits. Please heal them. I know sin has consequences, but I just ask for mercy, because I honestly wish I could protect them from the hurts I faced. But you said we will have trials to cover and protect them, and if it is in your will, equip my heart to guide in your ways versus the ways of this world. I need so much help, Lord, being a parent is hard, but I see the blessing in how it shapes us. Forgive me, Lord. Help me. In Jesus' name, Amen.
