One thing i always come back to with all of this is why did you hate me so much? What did i do to warrant you flipping the switch one day and just deciding you didnt like me?
(Tw because i just kinda vent about my sexual assault, consent, the falling apart of a friendship and body dysmorphia from here)
It goes around in a circle in my head. I will agree that I consented to sex with him that first time, of which you were aware and you also consented to. We even did it together as a three once and you said you didnt want to do it anymore but we could continue so you didnt have to have sex with him. So we did until you said you felt uncomfortable with it. From doing this, there was clearly a door opened where he wanted me but also wanted you, and thought he could get every woman ever.
Everything else after that was not consensual. Every time after that i told him i didnt want to, and that it was wrong. But he would harrass me blow up my phone if i was working, he would be confrontational with me and make it hard to live with him until i just gave in. He manipulated me into doing it by telling me i was a bad person and worse than him for doing it the time before this and the time before that. If i tried to see someone else he would throw a fit that i didnt want to sleep with him anymore, so bad that you had to sit him down and hold him while he was crying because i was seeing someone else. It got so much that i just gave up trying. If i said to him i didnt want to, he would be fine with it for a few days but he would pester me and start acting insecure because i didnt want to have sex with him. He would accuse me of seeing people even though we were not together if i refused to sleep with him. I used to wear thick hoodies and clothes that were too warm for the weather in my own house because i hated how he looked at me. I wanted to bind my chest, and remove all of my femininity about myself so he would stop being attracted to me. And that still effects me to this day. Because i could see how much you fucking hated me for it. For everything he was doing.
And then, he assaulted me. And i had to bite the bullet and tell him we were stopping and that was the end of the discussion. It was the hardest thing i ever did because he treated me like shit afterwards. He did his usual charade of talking to me like shit, and acting like he did nothing wrong but the bravest thing i ever did was stand my ground and told him it wasnt happening and that i wanted to see other people. He still continued to objectify me, and stare at me like i was meat. And you saw it and you did nothing about it. You bitched about me to everybody else because somehow it was my fault he was doing all that?
And, yet i still feel like i cant do any of this. Reporting all of this is so scary.