Love was just a word - Billy Hargrove
Synopsis: Billy wants to start fresh after Highschool. But that means facing the past and that’s scary. Also abandoned pools are romantic.
A/N: This is my entry for @hotstuffhargrove‘s Summer Writing Challenge. I had the prompts "want a ride" and "is that your idea of flirting". This is over 8k words so, it’s long be warned. Also I’m gonna read through and edit this tomorrow morning I’m so close to falling asleep (forgive me small mistakes please). Feedback, as always, is appreciated.
[additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.]
I thought that love was just a word They sang about in songs I heard It took your kisses to reveal That I was wrong, and love is real
The california sun burns down on his skin with familiar warmth as Billy leans against the outside wall of a tall brick building. There’s vines covering the front and a big white sign proudly displaying the name of the institution, “ Daisy Fields nursing home”.
His hands feel clammy as he takes yet another drag of what’s probably his 3rd cigarette in the matter of half an hour. Every time he feels like taking a step forward and entering the building, his heart speeds up and it feels like his legs are made of solid concrete. If Neil could see him now, it would just confirm all the taunts he’s been throwing at Billy for years.
There’s people walking in and out of the big red doors. Most of them are smiling. He wishes so deeply that this is what things are like for him. That walking inside will end up in him smiling the way those people do. That facing the life he’s left behind means being welcomed home with open arms and friendly words. He’s afraid that is not how things are gonna be.
“ Hey,“ a voice speaks up from besides him as he blows the cigarette smoke into the open air. “ Can I help you ? “
There’s a girl who seems to be around his age. Her hair is pulled back into a messy ponytail and her eyes look exhausted but there’s a certain softness to the way she looks at him that makes Billy feel conflicted. People don’t look at him with soft eyes. They haven’t for a long time. It’s either rage or admiration or lust. There’s no inbetween. Those are the emotions he’s familiar with. The emotions he knows how to deal with.
“ Hello ? “ it’s when she speaks up again and raises an eyebrow in question, that he realizes she’s still waiting for an answer. But really, what can he say. Can she help? Not really.
“ No I uh — no. “
“ You sure ? Are you here to visit someone ? I can see if they’re ready to welcome a visitor. I work he—”
“ I said no!”
He doesn’t mean for it to come out like this. Mean and snippy and loud. It’s just too much right now. Coming back to California and facing the life he has left behind. All of it is crashing down on him all at the same time and it’s — it’s a lot.
“ Oh, okay. Well in case you change your mind... “ she trails off. Billy wonders if she doesn’t know how to end the sentence or if he’s supposed to guess how it ends.
“ If you change your mind and decide not to be such a fucking pussy and finally face the consequences of all the stupid decisions you’ve ever made, just come inside”.
Yeah that sounds about right.
He finishes the cigarette before getting into the car and speeding off. Back to Chase’s flat. The one that’s too small for even one person, let alone two. Billy sleeps on a two-seater couch he suspects is from sometime between the early stone age and 1950. It squeaks every time he as much as takes a deep breath. There’s springs painfully pressing into his back and he has to sleep in a fetus position so his legs don’t hang off of the couch from the knee down.
But really, beggars can’t be choosers now can they ? Chase doesn’t have to let him stay at his place and yet he does anyway. Sure they’ve been best friends since as long as Billy can remember, but that was never the friendship they had and it still isn’t the friendship they have. Things with Chase are easy. It’s all the fun and loyalty that the best friendships come with only there’s no expectations. No pressure to be someone you’re not. Neither Chase nor Billy had expected the other to get in contact during Billy’s stint in Indiana and yet they both knew that if things go real bad they could count on the other to be there. Chase is a good friend, Billy thinks, maybe the best. But he’s a god awful roommate and those are the fact.
Billy Hargrove is a lot of things but he’s not messy. Never was. Even as a child, being clean and tidy was something that had been drilled into his head like a fucking commandment. Neil hates messes. Physical ones and emotional ones. In the Hargrove household you learn to either put your stuff away or never see it again because Neil has gotten rid of it. In the Hargrove household you really learn to cherish the things that are exclusively yours and you learn to take the utmost care of them.
When Billy arrives back at the flat, he finds it empty. What else has he expected really ? Chase works full time at the gas station. It’s an exhausting shop and he has to work a lot of night shifts but it pays well enough and he has first hand access to all kids of booze. He’s also mentioned that a lot of chicks hit up the station on their way to the bar, to pregame or some shit like that. Billy has yet to test that statement on its actual truth.
As his eyes move around the room, glancing at what is his life right now, Billy starts to wonder if this is really living. Maybe it’s just existing. All his belongings are stuffed into two grey duffle bags. He’s lodging on his friends couch eating his friend’s food and acting as a silent side character in his friend’s life.
He’s got no job, no perspective and not idea where to go from here. This is not the life he wants to live. But changing means facing all the shit that’s gone wrong and Billy isn’t sure if he’s quite ready to do that.
- OOO -
It’s 3 days later that he finds himself in the same position, leaning against the same building, smoking a cigarette and wiping his clammy hands on his jeans.
He watches as an older lady talks to a family. Her family, probably. They are smiling and laughing and the little girl that is with them, cuddles close to the older woman. Love is radiating from every corner as he looks at them. They all look so all consumingly happy. He thinks that maybe things here aren’t so bad. Maybe they’re good. Maybe they’re happy. That should ease his conscience a little, right ? Right ? Only it doesn’t. Not even a little bit.
“ Billy ? “
It the same girl from the other day, only this time her hair is down and she’s carrying a guitar case.
“ What ? “
“ That’s your name, right ? “ she asks, eyebrows raised.
“ Yeah. How to hell do you know that. “
She smiles at him and when usually is would make him angry, Billy can’t help but let her smile sooth him a little. It’s so soft and full of something Billy can’t put a finger too. It’s like she’s smiling because she means it not because she feels like it’s expected of her.
“ William Collins is one of our residents. He has a picture of you in his room. I thought you looked familiar the other day and I finally remembered. I mean sure, you’re like 8 in that picture and you’ve grown quite a bit since then — “ Billy almost can’t suppress the smirk trying to spread on his lips as she says that and glances towards his arms “ — but your eyes. Those are still the same. “
Billy loves his eyes. They’re the one thing about him that most resembles his mother. The only other thing he really ever loved in his life.
“ Is that your idea of flirting ? Cause it’s not working, sorry “
She laughs at that and Billy reconsiders his last words there for a moment. Maybe it is working. Her laugh is phenomenal, he thinks.
“ No. No I — that would be a tad unprofessional. So, am I correct ? “
She is. He knows what picture she’s talking about. It’s one that had been sitting on his grandparents’ mantelpiece when he was younger. It’s of him and their dog Charlie. He’s smiling at the camera. Smiling at his mother who’s behind the camera. That day, was one of the good ones. A day when things had gotten too bad at home and mom had packed him into the car and had driven them to his grandparents’ house. He was happy there because mom was happy there and because there were people there who loved him. Who wanted him around. Sometimes he wishes his mom had been smart enough to leave Neil behind. That she would’ve ignored her soft heart that still held even an ounce of love for her husband. That she and Billy had just stayed with Grandma and Grandpa. Maybe then things would’ve been different. Maybe things would be different now. Alas they aren’t. They’re as shit as they are.
“ Why do you even care “
It’s a knee-jerk reaction. One he displays every time someone asks too much, wants to know too much. It’s just easier this way. In the end, no one really cares anyway. People are just nosy assholes.
“ Well clearly you care too. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here, huh ? I just thought maybe you’d like to come in, see William. He’s doing well so — “
“ Look, you don’t know anything, okay ? So how about you don’t try to mendle in my family life, yeah ? Fucking ridiculous. “
Hearing that his Granddad is doing well, make him feel a little better about everything. Doesn’t mean it gets easier though. The weight still feels heavy on his shoulders. Like he’s Atlas and the guilt of his past is the world on his back.
“ I was just trying to be nice. I think he’d like to see you, that’s all I wanted to say. Have a nice day, Billy ! “
Her words are laced with an underlying fury and a very obvious disdain for the way he’s been talking to her. Billy thinks he liked the soft looks better. The smiles too. Then again, it’s his own fault really. People have their breaking points and they have every right to be pissed off at his attitude towards them. God he wishes he wasn’t such a fuck-up.
He can just hear Neil’s cruel laugh in the back of his mind. The constant scoffs at Billy. He wishes there was a way to make them shut up. To quiet his mind. Ways that don’t turn him into a horrible person. Like the alcohol did to Neil.
His eyes follow the girl as she hurries inside the building. One of these days he’s gonna muster up to courage to do the same. To face it all. Not today though. Not on a day that make him so painfully aware of all that is going wrong in his life.
Billy thought that once he was free of his father’s radical tyranny, life would be easier. He truly believed that as soon as he was back in California, back home, things would just work themselves out. Spoiler alert : They don’t. And maybe that’s the typical teenage angst talking but he feels so desperately lost. And maybe all teens do but most of them have someone to turn to. All Billy has is a father that detests him and a Grandfather he can’t bear to look in the eyes.
- OOO -
There’s moans coming from the bedroom when Billy enters the apartment. Apparently Chase had a point when he said his job at the gas station was great for picking up girls.
Billy tries to ignore it for a while but really the place is the size of a matchbox and it’s hard to focus on anything else. A look inside the fridge tells him that in favor of entertaining the girl in his bedroom, Chase has ditched on doing a grocery run.
That settles it for Billy. He grabs his keyes and jacket and rushes back through the door and out into the night, looking for a place to eat. A place of peace and quiet.
- OOO -
Billy walks out of the 7/11 and onto the parking lot. The ground is still wet from the rain that has swept over the town earlier today. The neon lights reflecting in the puddles create a ocean of reds and pinks and bright greens. And if it wasn’t such a mundane thing, Billy would almost thing it looks pretty.
Just as he is about to fumble his car keys from the pocket of his denim jacket, a voice from beside him speaks up.
“ Hey stranger. “
Billy lifts his head and glances towards the car parked two spots from his. There on the hood sits the girl from the nursing home. The one with the soft eyes. The one that talks to much. He hair isn’t pulled into a ponytail this time and she’s wearing a big grey sweater of some sports team. It’s quite that change from what Billy assumes is her usual uniform.
There’s a few boxes of food placed on her lap and it would be a lie to say that the thought of greasy fast food doesn’t make Billy’s mouth water. All he could manage to buy with the few dollars he has saved is a box of graham crackers and a bag of off brand nacho chips.
“ You know at this point I start wondering if you’re maybe stalking me “ Billy exclaims and walks towards her car. It’s a black Mercury Comet. It’s gorgeous.
“ You come to my workplace. So really who’s doing the stalking “ she laughs and takes a sip from the plastic cup clutched in her hand.
Billy only scoffs “ nice car “.
“ Thanks. She’s a gift from my dad. Ya know, it makes up for the emotional abandonment he put me through. “
Billy almost chokes on his spit at those words.
“ Your car ain’t bad either. Sooo, is that your dinner ? “ she asks and glances towards the bag of chips in Billy’s hand.
“ What about it ? “
“ That’s not very nutritious “
“ And onion rings are ? “ there’s a smirk pulling at the edge of his lips. It’s involuntarily but it’s there.
“ No but they’re really delicious “ the girl replies before holding the box out towards Billy “ and I got a little too much food so it’s your lucky night I guess. Care to join my feast ? “
For a moment he wants to say no, but what’s the alternative ? Eat chips and crackers alone in his car or go home and listen to Chase bang some random girl ?
Maybe sharing fast food on the hood of a car with some girl he just met isn’t the worst way to spend his friday night.
“ What’s your name ? “ he asks as he scoots onto the hood next to her and grabs a few fries from the box.
“ (Y/N) “
“ I’m — “
“ Billy, I know. “
“ Yeah you do. I forgot “
“ So what brings you to a 7/11 parking lot in the middle of the night on a friday ? Didn’t expect to have company tonight “
“ You do this regularly ? “ Billy laughs and munches away on another onion ring.
“ Oh whatever. “
“ I’m staying with a friend and he’s got a girl over so — “
“ Yikes, awkward “
“ Yeah. What about you ? “
(Y/N) takes another loud sip from the plastic cup “ My roommate and her boyfriend are having some epic meltdown. They have those about twice a week. Then they usually end up either crying or fucking and I’m not particularly thrilled on being around when either of that happens. “
“ Yikes. “
“ Uh-huh. “
For a moment silence settles upon them, the only thing to be heard is the buzzing sound of the neon lights. Then (Y/N) speaks up again.
“ Can I ask about the hair ? “
“ Absolutely not ! We’re not doing that. “ Bill grumbles in return.
“ Doing what ? “
“ Backstory. I don’t do that kinda stuff. “
“ Oh I’m sorry, “ (Y/N) scoffs and raises her hands in mock defence “ didn’t know you were playing the whole silent and mysterious kinda role. “
“ I don’t. Just isn’t any of your business. “
“ That’s fair “ she agrees and shakes the plastic cup only to discover it empty. Her lips are pulled into a slight pout. It’s hardly there before it’s gone but Billy just about catches a glimpse of it.
“ Guess that’s my cue to get my ass home, huh ? “ (Y/N) jokes and rattles the empty cup once again.
“ You think your friends are done ? “ Billy asks, raising a brow in question.
“ God I hope so. What about yours ? “
“ Knowing Chase, yeah. “
And it’s when they both chuckle at his words, that Bill feels something unfamiliar settling in his chest. It feels warm and comfortable and even though it’s only faint, it’s there. Joy.
They wish each other a good night and it’s not just empty words like when he says it to Neil and Susan after dinner, it’s a true statement. He hopes she has a good night, if simply for the fact that she made him feel less alone in the last few hours she’s sure deserving of it.
When he’s just about to get into his car, (Y/N)’s voice calls out to Billy once more.
“ You know, I think he would really like to see you. Maybe — maybe come inside next time and say hello. “
He doesn’t answer. Just nods. Maybe. Yeah maybe next time he will.
- OOO -
He doesn’t. But in his defence, there’s a pretty valid reason for it. At least he likes to tell himself that. He’s got a job now, one he absolutely hates but one that makes it possible for him to eat actual proper food for dinner and rent a tiny apartment at the edge of town. Is it nice there ? No. But is it better than sleeping on a couch that is too small for him ? Absolutely.
After leaving Hawkins, Billy never thought he’d ever be a lifeguard again but here he is, doing exactly the thing he said he wouldn’t at the public swimming pool. And it’s not even an outdoors pool as he had hoped. It’s inside and it’s mostly visited by old people and groups of mothers trying to teach their toddlers how to swim. Billy hates it but it seems to be the only job people are willing to give him. The only one people are willing to trust him with. He can’t blame them either. It’s not like he’s got this great resume of talents and job experience to wow them with. And really, and job is better than being dependant on Chase for everything.
It’s 3 weeks later now and he’s still feeling the invisible force holding his legs down and keeping him from entering the building. It’s ridiculous really, deep inside he knows that none of what happened was his fault, that he was just a kid. And yet it does nothing to ease his conscience.
“ You’re back again. Thought I scared you off with my bad jokes and fast food obsession “
There’s a smile on (Y/N)’s face as she exits the building and comes to a stop next to Billy. She looks tired, he wonders if it’s the job or the late night trips to 7/11.
“ Don’t flatter yourself. I’m not scared of anything “
What a load of bullshit. Billy is scared of pretty a lot of things he’s just become very good at pretending that nothing ever bothers him. He knows it’s bullshit though and by the looks of it and the little smirk playing on her lips (Y/N) knows too.
“ You gonna come inside today ? “ she asks, voice laced with hope and excitement. He hates disappointing her but he just can’t do it. There’s so many voices in his head telling him to just get it over with. But there’s one that’s louder than all the others and it’s pulling at his arms, holding down his feet. Not allowing him to step any closer to the door. That one is pure and unfiltered fear and he hates it more than anything.
Billy Hargrove is afraid of a lot of things and mostly fear itself.
“ Nah. Brought you something though “
“ Me ? “ (Y/N) exclaims, pointing at herself in disbelieve.
Billy scoff around his cigarette and holds a paper bag out to her “ It’s not much, don’t make a big deal out of it. “
“ Oh it’s a big deal. “
“ It’s not. Just — fucking take it. “
Grabbing the bag from his hand, (Y/N) walks towards the little picnic bench and pulls out two grilled cheese sandwiches and a can of coke.
“ You brought me food ? Aw, that’s so nice. This is a big deal, no boy has ever brought me food before. “
“ I said it’s not — “
“ Yeah yeah whatever you say. “
As she’s sitting down and munching away on one of the sandwiches, Billy can feel his cheeks warm up. It’s not in the same way they do when girls whisper dirty things into his ear. It’s a different feeling. One that he is not entire sure about. People don’t usually think he’s nice. No one ever called him that before. Hot ? Yeah. Charming ? Sure. But nice ? Nah.
And Billy always thought nice wasn’t as much of a compliment as it was a soft letdown. “You’re nice, but- “ .
There seems to be no “but” following (Y/N)’s words. “Nice” sounds so genuine coming from her. “Nice” sounds like the best thing anyone could be, when she says it.
“ What, you just gonna stand there and watch me eat ? Sit down, dude “
Her words are accompanied by her sliding the other sandwich over to him and nodding towards the bench across from hers. “ You brought two sandwiches for a reason. Sit down. Eat with me. Please “
Her eyes hold something that Billy hasn’t seen in so long. It’s a certain warmth. A care that runs deeply. He doesn’t know why she cares about him nor what he did to deserve it but when life grants you a good thing, you don’t fucking ask any questions. You take it.
And so he takes the seat she offered and starts chewing away on the sandwich.
“ You from here ? “ he murmures between bites.
“ Huh ? “
“ I said are you from here ? “
“ Oh I thought we weren’t doing this. Backstory an all. What made you change your mind “.
He can see she’s challenging him. The softness of her eyes is overshadowed by a glint of mischief and her lips are pulled into a teasing smirk. If this was pre-Hawkins Billy, he would’ve taken none of it. Girl like that mean work. Girls who challenge you are exhausting. Girls like that didn’t interest him in a way that he wasn’t willing to put in any effort for a small dose of bliss that comes with a blowjob or a quicky in the back of his car.
But this was a new life right ? One where he got a job not to impress people but to secure a future. To make money and to get stuff done. To maybe, one day, have a life that he can be proud of. And maybe a future that’s fit for a girl like (Y/N). That challenges him and keeps him on his toes. One worth putting in effort.
“ Guess I changed my mind “
“ Oh we’re playing like that now. Alright, okay. Yeah I’m from California. Not here but further north. Came down south for a boy. Regret the boy but not the move. Now I work as a receptionist at a nursing home. I wanted to be a nurse but couldn’t afford nursing school. So this is the next best thing. I get to hang out with the people who live here and sometimes I play guitar for them. It’s all good. “
With the warmth in her voice and the softness in her eyes, Billy can imagine she’d make a wonderful nurse. Hell she’s only met him like four times and already shows more care towards him than his father and Susan ever did. It’s quite sad to think about it that way.
“ What about you ? “
“ California born and raised. Then my dad and his wife thought it was a good idea to move to the literal buthole of america. Fucking Hawkins Indiana. “
“ Seems like you loved it there “ (Y/N) jokes before opening the can of coke and taking a sip.
“ Oh it was great. Everything you ever want in life ? It’s there. Horny housewives. Loud teenagers. People who get in your business constantly. Everything! Oh it was — incredible! “
(Y/N) nods and for a moment it almost feels like she understand. He knows she doesn’t. No one ever really can understand what the move meant to him but she’s listening and that’s a hell of a lot more than anyone’s done before.
“ Sounds delightful. Soooo, can I ask about the hair ?” she says and looks up at him through her eyelashes, seeming almost shy.
Billy feels weirdly self conscious. He’s heard his fair share of comments about the mullet. And if he’s being completely honest, he knows it looks kinda ridiculous sometimes when the perm is fresh and the curls still bouncy. But it’s the complete opposite of what his dad deems a respectable haircut. It’s so far off from the straight buzzcut Neil wants him to wear. And pissing Neil off is reason enough for Billy to cherish the mullet. But through the years he’s grown to love his hair and how it makes him — kinda special. It’s his thing just like the Camaro is and the necklace and the leather jacket. It’s part of what make him well — him.
And the girls go crazy for it too so that’s an added bonus.
“ What is it about my hair ? “
“ I don’t know, I just think it’s cool. Really contrasts your sad eyes. “
Sad eyes ? Billy doesn’t have sad eyes, does he ? Surely not because Billy isn’t sad. He’s angry and grumpy and perpetually pissed off. But he’s not sad. Sad people are vulnerable and that’s the last thing Billy would ever allow himself to be.
“ I’m not sad ! “
“ You sure ? Cause you look mighty sad. “
“ I said I’m not sad. Drop it. “
“ Alright. Alright. Sorry. Just — your hair looks really cool. I like it. “
And once again, his cheeks feel slightly warmer at that.
“ Hey I got a job “ he doesn’t know for sure why he says it. It’s not like he’s proud of the job he’s doing. All he does is make sure no one’s running on the wet floor and the old folks don’t drown on his watch. That’s about it. And he’s only earning minimum wage, barely enough to afford the apartment and food. So he surely can’t impress her with money either. Maybe he just wants someone to be proud of him for once. Even if it’s this random girls he’s been infatuated with since he first saw her. Maybe especially when it’s this girl.
“ Yeah ? That’s great. What are you doing ? “
It’s then, that he regrets ever mentioning it.
“ I uh— I’m a lifeguard at the indoor swimming pool “ he’s sure his voice tells her exactly how much he enjoys that job, not at all.
But to his surprise, she doesn’t laugh at him. Doesn’t ridicule him for his choice of work. She just smiles and that means the world to Billy.
“ That’s cool. Saving people from drowning huh ? “
“ I mostly tell kids not to run. “
“ Well you’re keeping them from getting hurt. Good for you. Didn’t even know we have a public swimming pool. I should check it out sometime. “
And by the way she smiles he can tell she means it.
- OOO -
In the following months their little lunch dates become somewhat of a habit. Billy shows up at her work at least twice a week with sandwiches or burgers and sometimes he even brings milkshakes. And though neither of them will admit it, it’s secretly the highlight to both their weeks.
Billy still doesn’t come inside. Still doesn’t visit his grandpa. Guilt still feels too heavy on his shoulders to even consider that. But seeing (Y/N) for their lunch dates, makes that weight feel almost light for the short amount of time they’re spending together. She’s always genuinely glad to see him. She’s all smiles and soft eyes and Billy doesn’t remember a time when someone actually wanted him around in that way. That someone was happy to spend time with him. It feels good and it makes the guilt disappear for a while.
Fall turns into winter when Billy decides to shake up their little routine. The air is colder and Christmas is fast approaching. Though it’s still California and cold, Billy thinks, is relative. The California winters have nothing on Indiana. That place almost made his balls freeze off.
Billy doesn’t come around for lunch that day. Instead, (Y/N) is surprised to discover him leaning against her car as she gets out of work. It’s a late shift and she’s exhausted but seeing Billy waiting for her feels weirdly domestic. It’s a nice feeling. One she hasn’t felt in a while.
“ Want a ride ? “ he asks, signature Billy grin pulling at the corner of his lips.
“ Nooo, you’re leaning against my ride. “
“ Ah come on, play along. “
“ Alright sure. Where to ? “
“ It’s a surprise “
“ A surprise ? “ (Y/N) responds, her forehead wrinkling as she pulls a face of confusion. “ Are you taking me on a date ? “
Is he ? He wonders that himself. He likes this girl, there’s no denying that. Thing is, he’s been on many dates and none of them came from a friendship. None of them were with girls that made his heart feels warm and fuzzy and light. So what is this exactly ? He doesn’t know. All he knows is that it feels good. That it feels right.
“ Just stop asking questions and let me surprise you, alright ? “
When she smiles, Billy can’t keep himself from hoping this is a date. Because her smile, as he said before, is phenomenal.
- OOO -
“ Nooo way! Are we even allowed to be here ? “ (Y/N)’s eyes are wide with disbelieve as she enters the big hall of the public swimming pool. The place is glowing in a blue hue as the pool lies still before them. A perpetual smell of chlorine seeps through her clothes as she walks closer towards the water.
“ I work here I am contractually obligated to be here even. “
“ But not at night when it’s supposed to be closed, you’re not. “
“ Ah come on now, take a walk on the wild side. Thought you girls are into that kinda stuff ? “
“ Breaking and entering ? “
“ Bad boys. Also I have a key so technically — “
He trails off as he pulls his shirt over his head.
“ What are you doing ? “
“ Well I’m not gonna swim in my jeans and shirt. And you shouldn’t either. You didn’t bring a change of clothes “.
The way her eyes wander up and down his body as he slips out of his clothes leaving him only in his boxers, doesn’t get lost on Billy. Billy is familiar with that reaction. He knows he’s good looking and he’s surely got the ego to match. But seeing that he has this effect on (Y/N) makes him feel like a million bucks.
“ I’d love to let you ogle me some more but I’m here to swim “ Billy exclaims.
“ I’m not ogling —” but before (Y/N) can finish her sentence, Billy cannonballs into the pool, creating a huge splash.
When he comes up again, his curls cling to his face and (Y/N) thinks he looks a little like a wet cocker spaniel. She also thinks he looks absolutely adorable.
“ Come on in ! You scared or what ? “ Billy hollers out towards her.
“ Scared ? Please. “
Billy knows she likes this. The challenge. The teasing. It comes so easy with her. Billy wonders if this is what was missing from his life for so long. Someone that feels easy to be around. Where he doesn’t have to walk on eggshells. Where he doesn’t have to uphold a certain image. Where he can be — well himself. The version of himself he wants to be.
“ Turn around “ (Y/N) calls out to him, slipping off her jacket in the process.
“ What ? “
“ I don’t come prepared so please spare me the embarrassment of having to show you my ugly non-matching underwear “
Billy tries hard to keep the images at bay that those words stir up in his mind. He’s sure she looks perfect whatever underwear she’s wearing, matching or not. But he can’t let himself think about that now because he’s only in his boxers and there’s no way to properly hide a boner and now THAT would be fucking embarrassing.
“ Alright, look. I’m turning around. Just hurry up! “
There’s a rustling of clothes as Billy stands with his back towards (Y/N) and before he can react a splash of water washes over him.
(Y/N) shakes her wet hair as she comes back up to the surface and Billy thinks she’s never looked better. Her hair is a wet mess clinging tightly to her skin and she’s got mascara running down her cheeks but god, that smile. That smile could light up an entire town, he’s sure.
“ You look like a poodle. Your curls are so cute “ she says and softly tugs on on a strand of Billy’s hair.
“ A poodle huh ? That’s just what every guys wants to hear when on a date. “
“ So this is a date ? “ (Y/N) asks again, a spark of curiosity in her eyes.
“ Do you want it to be ? “ he says it in a way that sounds so casual. Like it doesn’t make his heart beat faster. Like it’s no big deal. It is a big deal though. It’s a huge deal.
“ I do, “ he swears his heart beat out of his chest at those words. “ I just wish there was music. “
“ You want music ? “ Billy chimes up.
“ Can you do that ? “
He only answers her by throwing her a wink before hopping out of the pool and walking towards the little lifeguard office. It’s mostly used to store the first aid kit and the lost and found box but it also holds the intercom system and the radio that has horrible reception and really only works for one or two stations. Billy only hopes that the gods or whatever higher powers people chose to believe in are on his side tonight and that the radio is gonna play some good stuff.
A static sound fills the room as Billy presses the button of the intercom. He sets it so the it stays on without having to press the button the entire time and clears his throat once before speaking into the little microphone. “ Ladies and Gentlemen, as requested by our special guest miss (Y/N), please enjoy tonight’s musical entertainment, provided to you by— “ he pauses and turns the radio towards the microphone, “ Billy Idol. Eh, could be worse “.
Billy Idol’s “Eyes without a face” echoes through the halls of the pool. (Y/N) can’t help but feel like she’s stuck in a scene from her very own romance movie. Sure, maybe splashing around in a closed public swimming pool isn’t everyone’s dream date but to her it seems perfect.
It’s her and Billy and things don’t have to be perfect. They don’t have to be everyone else’s perception of romantic. She thinks it’s very charming. It feels a little magical even. And in the end that’s all that really matters, isn’t it ?
Her thoughts are interrupted as Billy jumps back into the pool, creating yet another huge splash.
And before either of them can really process what’s happening, they’re caught in the bliss of the moment, splashing and jumping and pushing each other into the water. It’s like for a moment nothing else matters. It’s light and easy and fun. They’re allowed to be the teenagers they are. For a night they get to forget about work and money and all the other shit weighing so heavy on their hearts and just — be. Just be silly teenagers playing around in a pool. Unbothered. Free.
Billy tries to remember the last time he got to feel like this. It’s been a while.
He wants to stay in this moment forever. Capture it in a freeze frame and never leave. Because the walls of this pool hold only laughter right now, and it’s all he ever wants to hear. All he ever wants to feel.
Billy’s chest is heaving from exhaustion. Exhaustion caused by fun. By laughter. As he leans against the side of the pool, (Y/N) surfaces right before him. There’s a shine in her eyes and he wonders if he’s the one who put it there. He hopes he is.
She’s so close now, nose almost touching his and it sends a flutter right to his stomach. Really, it’s silly. He shouldn’t be this nervous. He’s been with a lot of girls, has done a lot of things. Why does this feel so different ? Maybe because this isn’t a mean to shut up the voices. To take his mind off of all the shit going on around him. This one feels different because it is. Because it means more. Because it means so much more.
“ Hi “ she whispers, water droplets pearling down her face. She reminds him of a mermaid then, like she jumped right out of that movie Splash. Not that he’s seen much of it or can remember the plot very well, but he does remember Daryl Hannah alright. He thinks (Y/N) looks even more beautiful.
“ Hey. “
From then on, it’s heavy breathing and speeding hearts and hesitant soft touches. And then his hands find the way into her wet hair and onto her cheek and her lips brush against his. It’s merely a whisper of a touch but it’s sending little electric shocks straight through his heart and all throughout Billy’s body.
And then he pulls her as close as he can manage and kisses her just like he’s been wanting to kiss her since they hung out at the parking lot and he realized just how wonderful she really was, all bright eyes and big smiles and all.
And then — then she pulls away. The shine in her eyes is gone and is replaced by a look of utter uncertainty and hesitance.
“ You alright ? “ he asks, hands still cradling her face.
“ I like you “
Those words send another shock to his heart. He can feel the smile tugging at the corner of his lips but something about the way she says it makes him hold back.
“ I like you too. “
“ No, you don’t understand. I like you. I — I love spending time with you. You make me smile and laugh and my heart feels all gooey when you’re around but — “
There’s always a but isn’t there.
“ But ? “
“ But I feel like I don’t know you at all. I understand that you have a hard time talking about certain things and I am trying to be patient but how can I let myself fall for you when I don’t know who you are. Like — who you really are. There’s clearly things in your past that make you sad and that weigh down on you. Those things shape you in a way, they make out part of who you are and I feel like you’re purposely keeping those things from me. But how can I know you if I never get the full picture ? I want this so badly, Billy. I’m just afraid that you’ll always be a riddle to me in one way or another. “
No one’s ever asked that of him, really. There’s been girls that had this weird idea of being some kind of savior. They wanted to fix whatever they deemed broken about him and thought that their adoration could in any way lessen his greive. Though they never outright asked him about any of it. They got their gossip from whatever nosy bitch dug deep enough to figure it all out and spread it through the high school hallways. But no one’s ever asked. Until (Y/N).
And it makes all the difference.
“ My mom is dead and my dad is an abusive asshole. That’s the beginning and the end of my personality. And it turns me into a mean person. An angry one and I — I don’t want to be that person. I come with a lot of baggage and I am sorry if that’s too much but I want to be with you too. You’re the first person in a long time to actually give a shit and I am fucking ecstatic that you do. Because you’re hot and beautiful and a little weird and I’m so into that. Look I want to tell you everything but I don’t even understand half the things myself. I’ll try though. I’ll fucking try my best. If that’s good enough “.
“ That’s all I’m asking. “
He’s never been good enough. It’s a strange feeling to be told that this time he is. A good feeling. And really, he’s unsure of how to handle this. How to react.
So he reacts in a way he knows very well.
With a kiss. And another. And another.
And when he pulls away to take a breath, foreheads still touching, she takes his face in between her hands. They’re soft and gentle and it’s a complete contrast to the harsh slaps against his face that he is so painfully used to.
“ Sad boy, you’re making me fall so deeply in love with you.”
If only he could put into words how much that means to him.
If only he could articulate how much she means to him.
- OOO -
The world shift a little after that night. Billy still comes around for lunch dates but he also brings her around his flat and they spend a lot of time just lounging on his tiny couch, sharing kisses and watching Cheers.
Billy soaks it up like a sponge. The love and affection she showers him with is so foreign to him but it feels too good to deny himself to relish in it.
It’s a few weeks later, Christmas lights cover the little bushes in front of the retirement home, as Billy sits on the bench as usual, taking long drag from his cigarette.
(Y/N) mentioned once, how much she enjoys the christmas time and kept gushing about the twinkling lights that Billy’s neighbours have strung up in their front yard. Billy thinks he might have to drop by a store and get some for his place. She’s over there a lot and he’s sure it will make her smile. Her smile is worth all the hassle.
He watches an older couple sit by the little gazebo in front of the building. The man is softly holding onto the lady’s hand, keeping them warm in the chilly winter air. Up until this point, Billy hasn’t really given any thought to what his life might by like in the future. When he’s old and gray. It never really mattered. Now that he watches the couple, he hopes that his future resembles this someday. And he hopes it’s (Y/N) hands he gets to hold, wrinkles and all.
(Y/N) rests a soft hand on Billy’s shoulder. She’s always gentle with him, something he’s infinitely grateful for.
“ Hey Babe, I — “ his words get stuck in his throat as he turns around to face his girlfriend. Her eyebrows are furrowed and there’s a unsure smile on her face but that’s not what makes him stop. It’s the old man standing beside her. The one he hasn’t seen in so long. He looks exactly like Billy remembers him. The same gentle smile. The same wrinkles around his eyes. The same grey hair.
The same eyes. His eyes. His mom’s eyes.
“ Billy “
There’s no resentment in his grandpa’s voice. Nothing but kindness. Billy can’t take this. He doesn’t deserve this. This is not how he wanted this to go either. To be pushed into this situation. He was supposed to live life on his terms.
His hands are shaking as familiar rage curses through his body. (Y/N) knew he wasn’t ready. She had no right. It’s in the way he looks at her when he gets up. The way all the warmth has escaped from his eyes and is replaced by an icy glare. It’s in the way he walks past her not sparing her a single look back over his shoulder. Pure and utter disappointment.
He stalks past the gazebo and across the parking lot before coming to a halt next to his car. Maybe he was too quick to trust. It all was too good to be true anyway. Right ? Because good things don’t happen to Billy Hargrove. They never do. They never did.
Awkwardly he fumbles for another cigarette, pulling on out and dropping the rest of the box in the process.
“ Fuck.” a curse leaves his lips as hot tears are threatening to fall. He’s used to people letting him down but this one hurts more. He honest to god believed her words, believed that she would let him go at his own pace. Even if that means never entering the building.
The lighter won’t fucking work and it all comes together in an emotional meltdown washing over him like tidal wave.
(Y/N)’s feet create a crunching noise as she hurries across the gravel and toward Billy’s car. For a second he thinks about leaving. Just driving off and forgetting this ever happened. She ever happened. But he knows that is bullshit. She means too much to him. He fucking loves her and that is both his redemption and what seems like his ruin.
“ Billy I’m — “
“ You had no right ! ”
(Y/N), for the first time, sees the version of him she’s only ever heard about before. The one that is entirely made of anger and rage. It scares her a little and Billy almost feels bad. Almost.
“ I’m sorry ! I just thought — “
“ Well you thought wrong ! I told you. I told you (Y/N) “ he has to bite his lower lip to keep the tears from falling. “Boys don’t cry, Billy ! “ Neil’s voice ghosts through his head. You can’t show vulnerability. It makes you weak.
(Y/N) however, doesn’t care about any of that. He tears are freely rolling down her cheeks and Billy really wants to reach out and wipe them away. Though he can’t bring himself to do it. There’s a storm of emotions raging inside him and he has no idea where he stands in that moment.
“ I didn’t meant to betray your trust, Billy. I promise you that. I just thought that maybe you needed a little push. He talks so much about you. Billy he loves you so much. I love you so much ”.
There’s a confession there of great gravity. He hears it loud and clear though in that moment it gets overshadowed by everything else that’s going on.
“ I don’t want him to see the person I am right now, (Y/N). Mean and bitter and sad. It’s bad enough I never came around to visit after grandma died and he was sent here. I am a horrible person and I don’t want that to be the image he has of me. I — “ he takes a big breath. “ I can’t go there and look at him and see my mother’s eyes and see how disappointed he’ll be when he realizes what I turned into. He’s the only one who loved her as much as I did and I can’t live knowing I disappointed him. That I disappointed my mom”.
That’s when his self restraint breaks. The floodgates open and big tears pearl down his cheek. Sobs escape him and he’s only glad Neil can’t see him like this. Weak and vulnerable and —
(Y/N) wraps her arms so tightly around his middle that it knocks the wind out of him for a second. She’s warm and soft and (Y/N). She smells like fresh cotton and spearmint chewing gum. Like home.
Weak and vulnerable and in love.
“ Billy. You might think you’re that person. You might feel like it, but trust me when I say that you are so much more. You are not just anger and sadness. You are incredibly sweet to me. You are attentive and gentle and funny. My god you are so funny. You are smart, even if you don’t like to admit it. He’s not gonna be disappointed in you. He understands, Billy. You lost your mom when you were so young. He understands, trust me. And he loves you. So much. I love you. So much. Let yourself be loved. You deserve it !”
When he kisses her then, it feels like no kiss has ever felt before. She loves him. She loves him. No expectations and no conditions. Holy shit, she loves him.
“ I love you (Y/N) “. He really really does.
- OOO -
Billy is so nervous he could throw up on the spot. Though that would indeed make a horrible impression so he tries not to let it get to him too badly.
His grandfather gets up from the bench when he sees Billy approaching again. Before Billy can say anything, he’s wrapped in a warm hug. It’s so familiar. It feels like home.
My god, he missed this so bad.
“ Look at you kid, all grown up. No wonder miss (Y/N) has taken a liking to you. Except for that strange haircut maybe. “
Billy looks over his shoulder and catches (Y/N)’s glance before throwing her a wink,
“ Well she’s pretty spectacular too. “
“ She is yeah. So tell me what I missed, kid. It’s been a while.“
And so he does. Everything. The good, the bad, all of it. It’s hard and it’s emotional but once it’s out there, it feels like the guilt is finally take from him. The weight on his chest feels like it’s only half as heavy as before.
Then his grandpa smiles and pulls him into another hug and whispers the words that Billy wanted to hear for so long “ Your mom would be so proud of you. “
He hopes it’s true. That his grandpa knows what he’s talking about. That maybe his mom is smiling down at him from wherever she is.
But there’s another woman in his life now. One that comes with warm smiles and soft touches and laughter and eyes so bright they could light up an entire town.
And that girl is not his past. She’s no baggage. No sob story. No shadow of perpetual grief hovering above him.
She’s his present. He hopes she’ll be his future.
Because she’s everything. And he’s enough.
