Look At The Stars, Look How They Shine For You
7 times he wouldn’t let himself grieve, and the 1 time he did.
(basically levi finally receiving comfort)
cw: levi ackerman x reader, canon compliant, mentions of death, grief, angst, hurt/comfort, no use of y/n, gender neutral reader, can be romantic and platonic, no beta read we die like the scouts
Numbness and Loneliness. That’s all he felt when the stranger came in.
His mother had passed away days ago and he hadn’t been able to do anything about it. There was a corpse in the bed, and he couldn’t bring himself to move from the floor across from it. He was hungry, he was dirty. He could feel sickness in the air. It got to the point where he thought that soon enough, there would be two corpses in the little room, instead of one.
He was ready to say goodbye to this life of misery. Ready to go meet his mother, wherever her spirit was roaming now. But then he came into the room.
“Hey, hey, hey, hey…Damn, you’ve lost a ton of weight since last time, Kutchel”.
“She’s dead” His voice croaked, as a result of not using it for days. He slowly looked up to the stranger in the room, that sole movement taking the little strength he had left.
He listened to the man talk to his dead mother, not even trying to understand what he was telling her or why this stranger talked as if he knew her.
“I’m Kenny. Just Kenny” the man said, sitting down across from him.
He still felt numb as he stared at him. But at least now he didn’t feel as lonely as before.
The warmth coming from the bonfire where they were burning the bodies of the fallen soldiers felt like a huge contrast to how cold the night was. I watched the flames as they consumed what was left of them, while my mind was far away, thinking of another cold night where I watched the flames burn the bones of my parents.
A cry snapped me out of my thoughts. I looked around one more time before I decided to leave. I couldn’t stand it anymore, being surrounded by so much pain. So much sorrow.
It had been a terrible mission. Nobody could’ve imagined that it would rain. The sky had looked so clear when we had left the walls earlier that day, that it had felt as if we entered a completely different world when the sky turned dark, and we got surrounded by the clouds. By the rain. By the titans.
While I walked aimlessly, trying to get as far away as possible from the rest, I caught sight of a figure. I slowly came to a stop as I watched him, far away from everyone else, a cold look on his face as he looked at the fire. From this far away, he looked mad. Pissed, even. I stared at him, unsure, as I debated whether to go to him or leave him in his solitude.
Everyone knew about the three new soldiers that were brought from the underground. I had seen them during training a few times, and I had talked with the girl, Isabel, and she seemed so sweet and full of life. It had been horrible to find out what had happened to her, Furlan, and the rest of the squad. And I couldn’t help but think how heartbreaking it would be to lose you’re most important people in such a gruesome way.
Before I thought about it too much and changed my mind, I started making my way to him. I approached him carefully, trying not to startle him. He was looking at the sky now, the stars shining in the dark of this cloudless night, an air of gloom and sadness surrounding him.
He turned to look at me, his gaze hardening.
Why did I even come here?
“I just wanted to tell you that I’m very sorry for your loss.”
I thought he would snap at me, but instead he just glared at me even more.
“Are you fucking joking with me right now?” he snapped, looking at me with disgust.
“What? No! Why would I do that?” I looked at him confused but then it dawned on me. Ever since they had entered the scouts, they had been cast aside for being from the underground and for not going through training like we did. His comment made me think that some may have been insensitive towards him about the situation, but I didn’t dare ask him. The thought alone made me sick to my stomach. “I just…I know how it feels to lose someone important in your life. I remember how lonely and scary I felt, so I just thought that, maybe, a little company could help?”.
I finished talking, unsure, when I saw his gaze hardening even more.
“I don’t need or want your company or pity, so fuck off” he glared at me one more time before turning away.
“Alright” I whispered, turning away and started to walk away. Before I was too far though, I turned to look at him again. “For the record, it wasn’t pity.” I hesitated before adding, “and, if you ever need some company, I’m here”
And with that, I walked away, leaving him there in his solitude.
“Captain? Mind if I sit?”
Levi turned his face to look at me. He had been sitting on the rooftop while staring at the sky. He just glared and shrugged, so I took it as an invitation. I sat a few feet away, far enough to give him space, but close enough to keep him company.
I looked at the sky, noticing that there was a lot of clouds tonight. No stars and no moon could be seen.
“I’m sorry about your squad” I said, looking at the clouds moving, waiting to see at least a glimpse of the moon.
The silence dragged on for a while, making me think that he wouldn’t reply.
“I’m sorry too” he surprised me with a response. I turned to look at him and was met with his gaze already on me. His expression was serious and cold, like it usually was, but if you looked close enough, you could also see a hint of sadness in it. “I know you cared for them”
I bit the side of my cheek, not wanting to cry. I had known them since they became a part of the scouts and had trained with them a few times before missions. They really were great people. I was glad that at least he didn’t lose all of them. He was, at least, able to save the kid. My gaze drifted to his ankle, having seen him walking weird earlier, but I didn’t say anything about it.
“I know you cared for them too” I respond.
“Yeah” he admits, and we gaze at each other, acknowledging each other’s company during this grieving time, before we turn to look at the sky once’s more.
A sad smile makes its way to my face when I see the clouds part, at last, and we finally catch a glimpse of the moon.
My face turned to his when I heard his voice. We were at the celebration of Historia’s coronation, and I had been looking at the 104th cadets as they joked around. It had been a while since I had seen them acting their age, and I couldn’t help but smile as I stared at them. But all the noise went to the background when I heard him.
He must’ve seen my confusion, because he added “Kenny. We found him earlier and then he died a few minutes after”.
I stared at him, not understanding why there was a tint of sadness in his voice as he talked about the man that kidnapped Eren and Historia and that got some of our comrades killed. It was almost imperceptible, but it was there, nonetheless.
“He took care of me when I was younger. Taught me how to survive in the underground.” His gaze drifted from my eyes to look at the kids. “Turns out he was my uncle”.
My heart clenched as I heard him. Another loss. How many of them more will he suffer?
I looked at his side profile, wanting to comfort him.
He met my gaze ones more while he pondered over my question.
“No” he answered in the end.
“Alright” I nodded, understanding. We both turned to look at the celebration ones more, as I moved a few inches closer to him and grabbed his hand, giving it a little squeeze. He tensed, just for a second, before he let his shoulders drop and sqeezed my hand back.
“You need to take a break”
He didn’t even look up from his paperwork. Instead, he continued writing as if I wasn’t even there. The only sign that he had heard me was how he became even more tense than he already was.
“Can’t you see I’m occupied?” he cut me off, still not looking at me.
I sighed and then started walking closer to him. When I had found out about how badly the mission ended, I was surprised and devastated. Seeing only 9 scouts coming back from Shiganshina broke me, and I couldn’t help the feeling of fear and dread that took over me when I couldn’t see who the survivors were. The pain subsided only a little when I saw that he was alive.
I walked until I got to the other side of the desk, right next to him. “Levi, you should take a break, you can’t hide in your paperwork forever.”
He finally looked up at me. His expression was cold, giving me the look of intimidation he would give everyone when he wanted them to leave him alone. But that wouldn’t work on me. Not anymore. I have known him for years and it got to the point where I could tell what he was trying to hide. Right now, his eyes showed absolute heartbreak.
“What do you expect me to do exactly?!” he snapped at me, eyebrows furrowed. He was holding his pen so hard that I wouldn’t be surprised if it snapped in two. “It’s not like anyone else can do all this. They’re dead!”
I didn’t say anything, just looked at him, my gaze softening. I could feel sadness intensifying inside me, but I pushed my grieving aside for now. I hadn’t been there, I didn’t even know the details of how everything went down, but he had been. He saw everything happen. So, for now, I will be his rock.
Slowly, I leaned over and carefully grabbed his fist in one hand while I removed the pen in between his hold with the other. I then held his hand in both of mine, looking and the new scars in them before turning my gaze to his face. His gray eyes were already looking at me. He didn’t look as mad as before, but I could see that he was still holding back. But the eyes, they never lied, no matter how hard he tried. I could see his pain, his fear, his guilt.
It felt like a reflection of what I felt.
I was supposed to be there with them, but at the last minute, Commander Erwin had told me to stay behind and look over Queen Historia. He didn’t trust the military police and told me to keep an eye on her and protect her while they were gone. To think that I could’ve been one of the dead if he hadn’t given me that assignment…
“Please. You just came back. It’s not good to go straight to work, especially after everything that happened.” No matter how hard I was trying, I still felt my eyes starting to water. “I’m worried about you, Levi”
It hurt me to see him like this. He lost his uncle, and then, barely any time passed before he watched almost the entire regiment die and had to choose between saving Commander Erwin or Armin. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how that felt like.
He stayed quiet while looking at me. I thought he would snap at me again, but he must have seen something on my face that told him that I wouldn’t give up. Or maybe he was tired of pretending. Nonetheless, I took it as a sign that he wouldn’t push me away.
“C’mon” I said as I pulled him towards me, making him stand up. I turned around, one hand still holding his, while he let me guide him out of his office. “Let’s go have some tea”
What the hell is going on out there?
I looked towards the door as I heard the screams, the stomping, and was that a shot?
I was debating whether to go check what was going on, or staying to help Levi in guarding Eren and Zeke, when Jean came in with two kids that I hadn’t seen before.
“This one shot Sasha before we could catch her” I could already feel dread by looking at Jean’s expression as he talked. “I…don’t think she’s gonna make it”
My eyes widened and I could feel my heart dropped by those words.
I don’t think she’s gonna make it.
I watched, almost in a blur, as Armin and Mikasa ran past me and out of the room. Part of me wanted to go with them. But I was needed here. Now there were four prisoners, and I couldn’t leave Levi alone with all of them.
I don’t think she’s gonna make it.
But it’s Sasha. Sweet, caring Sasha. How could she die after being safely in the airship on our way back home?
My gaze fell in the kids. I faintly heard Hange coming in and there was a conversation going on, but my brain couldn’t comprehend any words.
But she’s only a child, what could’ve happened for her to kill Lobov, get in an enemy airship, and shoot Sasha?
I faintly heard Jean screaming at Yelena about her part in the plan.
What do you mean what happened?
I snap out of my thoughts when I hear the door open once again, and my heart breaks a little bit more when I see Connie’s face. Tears are already running down my face before he says a word.
“It’s Sasha…she just died”
I somehow find myself right next to Levi and see him hunge down a little, a sad expression on his face, as we hear the news. I placed a hand on his back, but before I could say anything, we hear Eren talk.
“Connie, did Sasha leave you any last words?”
We all looked at Eren when he starts laughing at Connie’s response, shock and misunderstanding in our faces.
Levi’s expression hardened ones again, and he stepped away from me, as he went to continue questioning Zeke. I let my hand drop to my side and made my way towards the door, Eren’s laugh haunting me as I left the room.
The entire plane is filled with cries as we fly away. Some, like me, look in horror at Hange’s body fall completely engulfed in flames. Others face the other way, unable to look as they cry and sob. I feel stuck in place.
I could feel my chest getting tighter by each second that passed, my gaze unfocused, until the plane jerked to the side, making me lose my footing and fall in the cold floor. I snapped out of whatever trance I was in and looked around. There was so much crying that it was too overwhelming. A sob left my lips as I looked at everyone filled with sorrow.
I can’t. It’s too many losses. Too many deaths. Dad. Mom. Petra. Eld. Gunther. Oluo. Miche. Nanaba. Moblit. Erwin. Sasha. Hange. How many of those surrounding me right now would I lose before this ends? How much death could I handle?
It was all too much. I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry until I couldn’t anymore. But then my eyes dropped on him. I almost couldn’t see him because of the heavy tears running through my face, but there he was. Sitting in one of the plane seats, looking sadly at his hands. It was the most emotion I had seen in him in days. Months, even.
Slowly, I got up and made my way to him. He was still alive. I had almost lost him, but here he was anyways. Breathing.
I sat down next to him, my shoulder brushing his. No words were spoken between us. What could be said anyways? Wanting to bring him some comfort, as well as myself, I leaned my head against his shoulder, careful not to hurt him, as I silently cried.
A beat passed before he leaned his head against mine.
I look at the sky, not believing that I’m still breathing. My mind takes a while to catch up. One moment, I was watching Jean and Connie's back, as we waited for the strange gas to envelop us and turn us into titans. Looking out for them one last time, even though there was nothing I could do about what would happen to us in a matter of seconds. But it was better than the alternative. I couldn’t bring myself to look at Falco’s titan as he flew Mikasa, Pieck, and Levi away.
Levi. I don’t want to become another person in the infinite list of those he has lost. I can’t become another reason for his pain.
That had been the last thought I had before everything shifted.
One moment, all I felt was hunger.
The next, the pain came rushing back.
And now I was here. Lying on my back and finding it hard to believe that I was still alive.
With the little strength I have left, I stood up and started looking all around me. There’s so much fog, but I can see people hugging each other.
That’s means Eren’s dead.
My heart clenches at the thought, but then another one creeps into my mind.
I look around, desperation starting to creep in, and I start calling out his name.
Why is there so much fog?
I’m about to start running to see if I could find him, when I suddenly came to a stop with a gasp stuck in my throat. My eyes filled immediately with tears as I looked ahead at my parents. I had almost forgotten how they looked. It’s been so long since they passed away. They were looking at me, and in their eyes, I could see so much love and pride. They smiled at me, and I smiled back. I couldn’t bring myself to blink or talk, wanting to look at them as much as possible. I watched as they started to disappear, and a sob left my body when I couldn’t see them anymore.
Grateful to have seen them one last time, I dried my cheeks and started calling out for Levi again, looking all around. It took me a few more minutes, but there he was. I slowly came to a stop when I saw him sitting there, a hand to his chest, as he did the survey corps salute for the first time. When I saw the tear roll down his cheek, it made me snap out of my surprise and I started walking towards him again, slower than before.
“L-Levi” my voice breaks. I stood in front of him, only a few feet separating us.
He opens his eyes and stares at me. I look at all his injuries, taking in every detail of him. He seems to be doing the same thing to me.
“You’re alive…” he replies with relief and holds out a hand towards me. That’s all the sign I need to close the distance. I fall on my knees in front of him and, being careful of his injuries, I wrapped my arms around him, bringing him close. He holds me just as tight, and we cry in each other’s arms.
Finding solace in each other’s company, like so many times before.
