Hey, I know that this is an incredibly unreasonable time to post but I really need to get this out.
I was watching this show with my mum earlier on and it's like a bunch of seniors going to this cool place where there are like spas and medical treatment things and you can go sorta face your fears in some challenges and most importantly, they try to find love there, and it was the episode before the finale and at the beginning of the season they were taking tango lessons and now it was like showcasing how much they improved over the course of the programme (so like, 3-4 weeks)
And, these people looked so genuinely happy, just goofing around and having fun and fucking slaying that tango, and I was watching and thinking to myself "Why can't I have that?"
This was all followed by a series of flashbacks throughout my high school years because every year that we have compulsory P.E. we'd do this thing every Christmas where we'd practise traditional dances and many of them you had to do in pairs and idk it just kinda hit me that no one ever truly wanted to dance with me
I know that this is a stupid thing to be upset about and it's a first world problem and there are people starving and dying so I should be grateful to have had this compulsory dancing but,, idk I suppose it still kinda hurts, you know?
Like, no one ever really wanted to dance with me, they had to and I could see how bloody miserable they were because of that
And you know those friends who always walk behind the group on the pavement, or when there's a group project they always have to find another group because there's too many people in yours?
It just all hit me, while watching that show, that I'm that person. I have always been that person.
I'd always have to go find another group, I'd always be the one left out, I'd always be clueless about jokes my friends were making because, "I'd have to have been there to understand" and man does it hurt knowing that.
I heard my childhood bestfriend (we still talk from time to time) say multiple times how she and a few others are gonna go travel the world and have so much fun
I heard the people that I'm closest to from my friend group say how they're all gonna go study in the same city and share an apartment to cut the cost of rent or what not
And I've always just been there, listening about how great their futures are gonna be together.
And I know, I could've just said something, asked if I could join or whatever, but it's gets old after a while of constantly asking if you can tag along
I dunno, but the realisation of how easy it is for people to just forget about my whole fucking existence just really got to me today.
Again, I'm sorry for this huge rant/vent but I really needed to get this out and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to arm.
