An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Fandom: The Mighty Boosh
Rating: Explicit
Wordcount: Approx. 3k (Chapter 2), 5.5k (overall)
Warnings: Howard gets probed by the aliens. Graphically. Expect man tits, knocker stuff, alien probing, alien noncon, alien impregnation, mpreg, references to the Uranus-Earth Breeding Program.
“P-please,” Howard croaked. “Don’t kill me. I’ve got so much to give.”
“Calm yourself, earth-man,” the creature said. “We come in peace.” Its mouth did not move as it spoke, and its voice was strangely disembodied, as if it were speaking directly into Howard’s head, just like in the old sci-fi B movies.
“C-calm?” Howard said. For some reason, being told to stay calm made his panic even worse.
Though the alien’s expression did not change, Howard had the distinct impression that it was rolling its large black eyes at him. “You’re more use to us alive than dead. You see, this is a kidnapping. We’re holding you for ransom.”
“K-kidnapping? Ransom?”
“Yes. We are aliens from the planet Uranus. We wanted to go to the party tonight, but the smelly ape-man working the door wouldn’t let us in. Also, he kept laughing when we told him what planet we were from. It was an outrage!”
Howard groaned and wondered if Tony Harrison had ever spent time on Uranus, and if that was where he’d picked up his horrifically overused catchphrase.
“So,” the alien continued in its alarmingly disembodied monotone, “we’re holding you hostage until Naboo invites us to the party.”
“No, no no no,” Howard protested, tasting the panic rising up his throat. “You’ve gone wrong! No one is going to let you in to the party, because everyone at that party hates me and they don’t care if I live or die! They’re probably all having way more fun now that I’m gone.”