This Year I have- Reflections on a winter Solstice.
Nightmares which can send me into a world of pain. I can lose my mission statement of arting out pain and succumb to the waves of the ache. I despair in song momentarily, perhaps enough to make people stay from me. Good, perhaps they should and need to. Because the me that cares relentlessly can always be found. I need consistent massage, and I am working on that.
Quit things in complete non-communicative ways. Like a course on teaching composition and Linguistics. Did I have reasons of doing such? Well, there aren't adequate reasons for such a failure to communicate.
Written nearly 1000 poems. (Still Transcribing polishing and publishing in 2014). It began as a goal of 365. I was tired of being so silent and internal... so I thought I would write things down. I was inspired by Early American Literature and heart ache and heart break and... pain. And then non-emotional me centered things too... like gardening... and new interests of affection, and friendships... there is dark diversity, Poe'ud be proud'a me!
Sketched each day in Autumn: Just a stickish memory but something to keep track of me and what I see, what I XP. On a couple days I sketched ahead and on a couple days I fell behind... but it was a good thing to do. I want to develop these more... color them with markers!
This year I have succeeded at handling loss and failure through creativity entirely. I have learned how to be me, how to have a voice and live presently. I have learned when I believed myself incapable due to my own desire to die after heartbreak and a fall I recklessly didn't believe within. I have learned that with the help of a friend. With the help of a few friends. With the loss of more than a few friends. Good things can be. I do mend.
I have learned when to say nothing and why not to shout.
I have learned when to say something and why to not question or doubt myself. I have slip ups now and then. Especially in regards to my own creation.
This year I have expressed myself creatively and consistently for the first year in my 30 years (though I have created throughout my existence). I am happy for this year and thrilled for a new year. I will push the fracking fears and the exploitation nightmares aside, do yoga as I should, eat the gluten-free mostly sugar free way I gotta to be healthy and I will learn to have a great year.
What does a great year look like for me? My Family Whole and Off, A floor to buy to pay my time, A home for my furry companions, A Visit to A Sunflower State friend, A proper planned flight from poverty, A happy creative working me.
I hope in 2014 I accomplish my dreams... and what is that? ARTISTRY... working... healthy...living...ART IS TREE. Yeah, I'll paint then hug a tree!
