HR Gothic
This position has been open 90 days. This position has been open 300 days. This post has been open for a thousand years. The number of candidates interviewed stretches toward infinity. What are you hiring for? No one remembers.
"Can you reset my ADP password?" "Can you reset my Kronos password?" "Can you reset my Ultipro password?" Your company doesn't use any of those systems. You reset their passwords anyway.
An employee asks, when will I be eligible for the 401k match? Oh, you have always been eligible, you tell them. It's better if you don't know exactly what you're eligible to have matched. You probably wouldn't want to put...that...in your retirement account anyway.
There is filing to be done. Where is all this paperwork coming from? There are names for people who have never worked at this company. There are names in strange alphabets that pulse slightly when you look at them for too long. Maybe just leave those in the "to be filed" stack.
An employee requests accommodation for their disability. Their manager's eyes glow very slightly, and their smile is sharper than it should be. You sigh and reach for your crossbow with the silver-tipped bolts. Perhaps the accommodation offered should include a promotion.
She is pregnant. She requests information on maternity leave. "How long can I take?" she asks innocently. You lock eyes with your fellow HR staff in fear. Who will walk the labyrinth in search of the scrying pool? Who will feed it their blood in hopes of receiving the answer? You still haven't found all the pieces of the last leave specialist.
What are the essential duties of the position? An excellent question. It depends on how you define "essential." Blood type will certainly be involved. Perhaps also iron levels.
A new section has appeared on the labor law poster for the break room. It is blank, for now. It will begin to speak its terrible messages soon.
There will be a potluck next week. The sign up sheet is on the table in the kitchen. Please remember to write down which organ you are offering to be devoured - we had several kidneys and not a single lung last time. He was displeased. You do not want that to happen again.
