Consent, and How it may work for Systems
Recently, an anon reached out to us asking about consent, which made us realize that we should make a separate post on how consent can work for systems as this is a very important topic that must be discussed within system spaces.
What is consent?
Consent, in this case, is the act of giving a verbal or gesture cue that signifies that you want to engage in different activities related to sex and physical contact and are okay with it. It is a mandatory step that must be taken before any sort of activity, which can include kissing, touching, giving or receiving head, penetration, BDSM, etc. While the act of consent can apply to any situation (for example, asking for someone’s consent to take a photo, asking someone if they are okay with answering a survey, etc), this specific post will cover consent in relationships and with the different activities that need that consent.
What difference exists on consent from a singlet vs a system?
Singlets are able to give consent without having to worry about their ability to consent. Systems however, may have to consider the symptoms of their disorder (alters, memory loss, possible trauma responses that may arise during activity, etc) before consenting to anything. This may not always be the case, and is often dependent on how the person with DID/OSDD may want to consent.
Some systems may be okay with letting the alter in front consent on behalf of everyone else (like a host consenting to sex on behalf of everybody without gathering consensus). Other systems may wish to only give consent if everyone in their system consents. What is important is to respect and abide by what the person wants to do when it comes to giving consent.
Why does this matter?
DID/OSDD systems are much more vulnerable than the average person due to the disorder impacting their memory, their identity, and how their trauma responses may affect aspects of their life. Consent may work very differently for them, and not having their partners understand that could result in them going through more traumatic experiences like SA. If your partner is a DID/OSDD system, communicate with them on how consent will work. Make sure to understand and respect what your partner may want to do in order to consent, even if it may cause you any inconvenience. No inconvenience is more important than your partner’s safety. If you need to ask every single alter, then you will do that. If you need to accommodate for an alter, you will do that. Communicate with your partner(s) about what can be done to ensure that the everyone is able to enjoy whatever activities you choose to indulge in.
Consent is voluntary, informed, specific, ongoing, and enthusiastic:
Voluntary: Consent must be given freely and not from pressure, threats, or coercion
Informed: All parties involved are fully aware of what they are getting themselves into
Specific: Consent for one act does not imply consent for other acts
Ongoing: Consent must be given continuously, it can be given or taken away at any time, even during the activity
Enthusiastic: Consent must be positive and direct. Silence, hesitation, or an ambiguous answer does not count. If its not a yes, its not a yes.
Following these key elements to consent can ensure a safe and pleasurable experience. Please be sure to abide by these universal guidelines whenever asking for consent from someone with DID/OSDD. Regardless of how they may choose to consent, these key principles must be applied.
If any one of these key principles was not met for any reason, then it is not consent.
We hope that this post helps you better understand consent more, especially in the case of systemhood. If for any reason you feel unsafe, reach out to someone if possible. If you are in an unsafe situation, please contact local authorities and/or helplines that can aid you with your situation. We hope that everyone stays safe! Our blog is a safe space for anyone who may need a place to vent or talk about their experiences.