#hugokessler

[wesleyanampersand]

Oh, The People You’ll Blow!

Congratulations!

Today is your day

You’re off to Great Places

You’re off to find bae

You have sex on your mind

You are ready to cruise.

You can steer yourself

any direction you choose.

You’re on your own. 

In, out, just do what you know.

And YOU are the guy who’ll decide who to blow.

You’ll stalk ‘em on Facebook. Look ‘em over with glee.

About some you will say, “I don’t choose to blow thee.”

With your mind full of sex and your breath smelling sweet

You’ll just go right on down on a random slab of meat.

And you may not find any

on which you’ll want to go down

In that case, of course,

you won’t head straight downtown.

But if you do, know this: 

It’s warmer down there

So please, just avoid all that hair

Down there, with the hair, things can happen

and frequently do

to people as horny

and aroused as you.

And when things start to happen,

don’t worry. Just “oooh!”

Just go right along.

You’ll start coming along too.

[wesleyanampersand]

In Major Pivot, Netflix to Offer “And Chill” Service

Many years before the internet became as fast and reliable as AirWes, Netflix was known as a DVD rental service. Of course, that’s all changed. Netflix is now a streaming service that is home to millions of examples of quality home entertainment, such as Legally Blonde 2. But Netflix is clearly missing that personal, physical touch to consumers as they just announced today that they will be adding a “And Chill” service their website and mobile applications.

So, look. Everyone knows that, “Netflix and chill” is about sex. What is sex? I don’t know. But that’s where Netflix is stepping in to help. Netflix has realized that while “Netflix and Chill” doesn’t usually involve Netflix, sometimes, someone will want to take a break and pop in the latest episode of David Attenborough’s Planet Earth BBC wild life documentary. During those breaks, you’ll have time to adjust the mood so your partner is up and ready once the 45 minute episode is over. Simply open the app and choose who you want to chill with next.

Netflix offers its chill service for only $99 per hour. For that, Netflix will send you a partner to chill with (in case you’re tired of your current one), based on the same algorithm that recommends shows for you to watch. Simply look under the sections called “Top Dicks For You” and “Top Chicks For You” and figure out who you want to bunk in your bed. Just tap on a person to get a 360° panorama of them naked. Netflix’s Chill service is mandatory for all users, and the service has already collected the 360° nudes of everyone. While some users may feel like this is a violation of privacy, Netflix’s CEO, Reed Hastings, said: “Too bad, so sad, naked people are great.”

[wesleyanampersand]

Wesleyan Gives Up Liberal Arts, Becomes Business School

In major news, America’s 14th best liberal arts college, Wesleyan University, has decided to throw in the towel and switch from a liberal arts college to a business college. In a press release, Wesleyan president and liberal arts whisperer, Michael Roth, had this to say (please note that the quote has been edited for clarity and brevity):

“Wesleyan has had a terrific run as a small liberal arts college. Last year, I published my book, Beyond The University: Why Liberal Education Matters. It was a beautifully written masterpiece which proved once and for all that I am the best writer on this planet— certainly superior to that hack, David Foster Wallace. This year, I started considering what I wanted to write for my next book. My initial idea was to write a sequel, Beyond Going Beyond The University: Why Liberal Educations Matters Even More Than You Previously Thought It Did. But after I woke up one day following a nightmare about Alfred Hitchcock flying into campus on a bird designed by a Wesleyan Arts major, I realized that I needed to find a new subject matter. Wesleyan is all about changing the world, but since I can’t do that, I figure the next best thing is changing Wesleyan.”

This change is a massive undertaking for the school and for the students already enrolled. All artistic-ish majors will be transferred into a business self-help major (there’s only so much that can be done for those lost souls). All humanities majors will be transferred into a Business Linguistics major. And all science majors will go into a Science of Making It Rain major. In addition, many of Wesleyan’s buildings and events will be permanently changed. For example, the Crowell Concert Hall will now host mock quarterly investor meetings, the Davison Art Center will showcase the student resumés that most effectively follow the standard template, and the Wesleyan Film Series will become a weekly display of the most intellectually stimulating PowerPoints, ever. No word yet on when Roth’s book will be released, but he assures us it will be required reading for all students and applicants as soon as it’s ready.

[wesleyanampersand]

Grilling Ghouls: A Guide to Making the Perfect Halloween Treat

It’s official: Candy is boring. Children and teens clearly hate it: they spend hours crushing it on their phones every day. What should you make instead to treat the kiddies? That’s an easy question to answer: just make a Pizza Ghoulherita!

Ingredients:


1 12-inch round of store-bought pizza dough (making your own is really too time consuming).

1 human-sized store-bought ghoul (making your own involves an endless trip down to the fiery pits of Satan—believe me, store-bought is best in this case!)

8 Slices of the finest buffalo mozzarella

3 tablespoons of blood


2.75 ounces of fresh ghost extract


10 large onions (to make the children really cry)


2 to 3 tablespoons of a freshly killed virgin’s facial oil

4 to 5 poison ivy leaves, roughly torn.

Preparation: 

Step 1: Stretch out the dough, making it nice and flat. At the same time, preheat your oven to 550 Kelvin.

Step 2: Whisk the blood and ghost extract together in a medium-sized bowl. At this point, it should basically look like normal tomato sauce.

Step 3: Put the sauce in the center of the stretched dough and use the back of baby’s head to spread it evenly across the surface, stopping approximately 1⁄2 inch from the edges.

Step 4: Take the Ghoul out of the cellar in your house where you have it locked up. (I realized I forgot to mention that you needed to lock it up beforehand. If you did not do that, you are already dead and this step is not applicable to you.) Carefully avoiding its thrashing claws, fiery breath, and pervasive stink, chop off its head. Quickly throw the head into the freezer for 20 minutes. While the head freezes, burn the remainder of the Ghoul’s body (if you don’t, it will definitely come back and kill you while you’re sleeping). After 20 minutes, take the head out of the freezer and center it on the pizza.

Step 5: Layer the mozzarella and the onions. Scatter the poison ivy leaves over the top. Delicately drizzle the facial oil over the pie.

Step 6: Throw the pizza into the oven. Bake until the crust is golden brown and the ghoul’s eyes are bubbling out of its sockets, approximately 4 to 8 centuries.

Step 7: Serve the Pizza Ghoulherita to the children. They’ll love this perfect Halloween treat. One warning: eating this pizza may turn the children into ghouls. While it seems unfortunate, you can save one of them in your cellar for next Halloween’s Pizza Ghoulherita.

[wesleyanampersand]

What Do You Mean, “What’s Up?”: A Guide to Answer the Fateful Question.

It’s all happened to us at one time or another. Someone you care about—a friend, a Tinder match, or the hot guy who lives 24.37 footsteps away from you—will ask you: “what’s up?” Your brain freezes, your heart races, your eyes glaze over. What do you do? In this guide, I will attempt to give you a few options.

1. Run Away

This is the best and easiest option. Don’t even try to formulate a response. Whatever you say will always sound stupid and pathetic. You can always find another friend. Tinder matches are harder to acquire, but you can always travel to another city until you get another one. And there are plenty of hot guys in the world. Sure, most don’t live 24.37 footsteps away, but that’s life. Run away. It’s the best choice.

2. Don’t Answer The Question

Let’s say your friend has incriminating information about you. Or you’ve been to every city and this one guy is the only guy you’ve ever matched with on Tinder. Or you just really need that close proximity to a hot guy. Do not run away. Instead, just ignore the question and greet the person again. I recently had this exchange with a hot guy:

Hot guy: Hello


Me: Hi!


Hot guy: What’s up?

Me: ...Hello


Hot guy: What?

A bit awkward, I’ll give you that, but it’s better than actually answering the question. You have to remember this essential fact: the other person really does not want to hear about your sad and miserable life. “What’s up?” is a casual question, not a philosophical rumination.

3. Answer The Question Literally

Okay, finally onto the least-best-but-still-not-too-shabby option. Maybe you really want to impress this person. Perhaps, it was love at first swipe. In that case, answer the question. Literally answer it. Look up and name the first thing you see. “The sky.” “The roof.” “The hole my roommate punched in the ceiling while he flew out of his sex swing.” Not only will you impress the person by actually answering the question, but you’ll have survived the encounter.

And that’s it! I hope this guide has been helpful for you. You can do this! I suggest you print out this guide and put each option on separate flashcards and keep them on your person at all times, so you are always ready to one-up whoever’s ‘what’s-up’-ing you.

[wesleyanampersand]

A Northern Virginian’s Guide to New York City: The Top Three

Fall break is approaching, which means one thing: time to get the fuck out of Middletown. That’s what I’m doing. I’m going to New York, and since I’ve been there quite a few times, I decided to make this easy travel guide for you. So, here are the best things to do in the city:

1. See an Elementary School’s 3rd Grade Musical

This is always a fun one. Why spend hundreds of dollars on Broadway tickets Instead, go to a random elementary school in the city and watch the little children perform “The Emperor’s New Clothes” or “The Little Mermaid.” Just think! At least one of those little kids will probably be on Broadway one day. And even if none make it there, you’ll at least be able to say that you saw children before their dreams were crushed. Worth it!

2. Go to the building across from the Empire State Building

Everyone knows the Empire Sate Building is pretty great, but it’s actually really overrated. Metal, glass, plaster—in the end, all buildings are the same. So instead of waiting forever to get up the Empire State building, just go to the building across the street. You’ll be going to a place few people go to and you’ll even be able to get a view of some of the windows on the Empire State building!

3. Ride the subway from Queens to Coney Island

Surprisingly, there is more to New York than just Manhattan. So why not explore it from underground? Simply hop on the F train and ride it from Queens to Coney Island and back. You’ll have a blast passing by stations like “Jamaica” and “Roosevelt Island,” imagining the beautiful city an escalator ride away.