For so long, m masculinity has been at war.
Being Black and femme means being masculinized constantly, so I spent much of my life hyperfeminizing, least I be called manly. (Cuz that's an insult, right? "You don't look like your lane, your box I've out you in. bahaha")
This put me at odds with myself because I am masculine and I so deeply enjoy my masculinity. (I define masculinity as being a provider, an unabashed leader, someone who produces, enforces, a firm but kind hand held in place.) I spend so much of my time in masculine spaces...I mean we all do, but I have always enjoyed the "locker room"--that is, distinctly male spaces. Boxing gyms. Mechanics garages. Machine shops. Woods. Mountains. Coding lairs.
It has only been recently that I've learned how much I've combat the men in my life on execution, presentation, and discussion of masculinity. So often I am told "you shouldn't be here" or "you can't possibly know". At one point, I was told I wouldn't understand "because I don't have a penis." Who says that?! I think they meant testosterone, but you get it. So many men house their masculine identity in the physiology and give little thought to what would stay constant if their form changed, if they had a different vessel.
So long I have said, "there is little difference between man and woman," when I think I meant, "I am the difference between man and woman." (Though I do think the former is true of all sexes.)
I have had a series of divorces from cis men, and in that cavalcade, I realized a bigger boundary, and a careful path toward cis men is what helps me be most harmonious. I dont need to fit their ideals of attraction, in fact, that often repulses me. I don't look for their approval and acceptance anymore. For me to get approval, in many cases, will mean emasculating themselves. I'm aware of how that breaks, and nothing I want should come at the cost of someone else's fabric of identity. But my, have seen it so many times. Ain't much room at the table for my masculinity and theirs.
I'm done packing my masculinity away. Let those who see me as a Black woman masculinize me; it's more accurate.
Ever since I've embraced the whole self, there's been a ceasefire in this war. A stillness where, if you listen hard enough, a faint ringing can still be heard. My femininity can nurture tlthe wounds, and keep the masculine structure (that upholds the femininity) strong and firm. I am an atom, a central core amidst swirling clouds of femmedom. I am everything and in everything and it's fucking grand.