fuck trying to get my mom to understand that being gay or bi or whatever is not unnatural.
i mean, really? it’s far from unnatural. plenty of animals in the animal kingdom practice it. and homosexuality is only frowned upon in the bible because of a) mistranslation, b) improper historical context, and c) two men and two women marrying at that time meant they could not produce an heir so no land or anything could be passed down. that. is it.
but she said she will not “succumb” to this generation’s “fad”.
fuck trying to get her to understand that the confederate flag is shit.
she said “okay some parts are true but i’ll be damned if i let a bunch of black people run my life!” EXCUSE YOU?!!!?? and she’s still like “the flag is history and heritage that should not be forgotten!” yeah. but you don’t see people waving the nazi flag in germany do you.
i get that we won’t agree on everything, just the way she is disagreeing hurt me. she was calling the research i did lies. she is calling my sexual orientation unnatural (how could i know if i’ve never had sex with a man? and omg did i experiment with my bff?!) and she called me close-minded.
and fuck asking for my mom’s help anymore. fuck it.
she mocks my desire for help. my depression keeps me from noticing the obvious. i’m sorry, it’s a fact i am trying to fix so i asked her for help in that. you know, make me a list of things to do so i can look at it and know.
how dare i ask for help when i have never asked for help before (i never liked being told what do, now i’m asking for this, so now she’s dumbfounded.)
how dare i add yet another responsibility to her plate (even though in the long run it helps her too)
she called me selfish for daring to think this way. how dare my disability prevent me from attempting normal things. how dare i make her look stupid and ignorant.
how dare i fucking change and grow as a person and learn to ask for help (which i have always had a big problem asking for help, and now she can’t even fathom it)
and she comes back at me and says “okay then YOU need to make a fucking list of what I am not allowed to put, because i am apparently stupid and ignorant.”
tonight is the first night in a long time i seriously considered self-harming...just to feel anything else but that feeling of helplessness. but i didn’t. i couldn’t.
i am scared. i am depressed. i want more independence. i need peace. i need help.
but thank you tumblr for helping me realize what i feel is valid.
thank you for making me grow.
thank you for teaching me to stand up for myself even when it hurts so fucking bad.
thank you to my aunt and bff for being a great support system.
thank you solas for helping me see that i was being emotionally abused.
#project hail mary
#the amazing digital circus
#photography