#hurts4truth

[itsaprozaclife]

Heavenly Bodies or Hellfire

Been really freaked out since learning that our heavenly bodies will be physical ones. If your a Christian, and I am, and believe in the Bible, which I do, it sat's that out bodies will be like Christ's after the resurrection which will be physical in nature just with out sickness, death or mortality. While this sounds good I guess it also freaks me out. I don't like my body now and always assumed that if I got to Heaven I would get some thing better. Not the same one that is holding me hostage to pain now. And if I don't make it to Heaven that means that the physical pain of Hell will be real too. Haven't been able to sleep since. Freaked out and feeling stupid that I didn't know this before. I'm about a year off from my own death which I bought I had to come to terms w/ and am now scared out of mind. So much for peace of mind. http://www.gotquestions.org/look-like-in-Heaven.html

[itsaprozaclife]

Do you know?

You don’t know how bad it really is. You think you do but you don’t. Do you think your denial is helping me? Is it helping you? I won’t beg, won’t say when but it’s soon and then it’s too late. Because now it’s bad and you think you know but you don’t.

[itsaprozaclife]

It's all about priorities

I have always worked hard to maintain my friendships. It takes work but can be done. What happens then when your the one who has done the work and if you’ve gone broke, gotten sick and risked all to go visit and then no one does it in return? Feels like Iv’e been so lonely for so long. I love my kids, love my family but there is nothing like laughing with a friend. I think those days are long gone. I know my friends have families, kids, lives…maybe my friendship isn’t worth what I thought it was.

[itsaprozaclife]

Here we go again..

Another day that I wish wasn’t.

[itsaprozaclife]

1 pill

1 pill 2 pills 3 pills 4. 5 pills 6 pills pain is no more.

[itsaprozaclife]

This loneliness is killing me. Every time I try to reach out to someone else I am reminded of how alone I am. The things that go through my head makes me wish I could scrub my brain with bleach. Better to scrub my brain with it than drink it right? How is it that no one see’s this?

[itsaprozaclife]

I feel fine

The truth doesn’t hurt, it’s the truth. It’s how you react or treat someone after hearing that truth. I told someone the truth of how I was feeling and it turned out that since she was a “mandated” reporter she had to tell my Dr who just put me on antidepressants and suicide watch. When he came in to talk to me I just told him “it’s impossible to kill yourself in a hospital with a plastic spork” and he laughed too & then removed the hold. So basically no one understands at all how I feel and that was the extent of the help I got. Pills. So all I learned was to never ever be truthful about how I was really feeling. It only does more harm than good and pretty much proved my point. If I disappeared tonight there might be some tears but everyone would get over it and move on and it will be as if I never existed. There are a million girls just like me, and now matter how much I try to be different I’m not. The only thing that keeps me here is that I don’t think God would want me either. So I’ll just shut up, smile and pretend to be better. I’m so good at pretending that NO ONE can tell the difference any more. Not even myself. But then again ego who would want to even try?

[itsaprozaclife]

My way

This sickness has chained me up, bound me up inside out. It jails me to this life that I never wanted, couldn’t have wanted but is mine anyways.

I used to be on my own doing it right, doing it my way. But now I don’t know how to do it how to get it back my way. Little white pills that keep my heart going keep it slowing so I can go one more day your way. Tubes and bottles, air and chairs. Hard to breathe in the bed with rails. My 3 littles ones keep me going even If I can’t get going they make my day. I keep the fight till there is no more might and then the end will be there…. But it will finally be my way.