this is probably so fucking stupid but genuinely whatd the ROs think if MC decided, for no reason at all — toootally — to ask them "Would you love me if I were a wolf?" your usual ice breaker question, obviously
This is fucking hilarious 💀 I had to properly write this omg
—
"Would you love me if I were a wolf?" You ask Lou.
"Sure!" She says it like it's the most obvious thing in the world, not even looking up for a moment. Then she does look up, and you can tell she's already running with it. "I mean, wolves are basically dogs, arent they? and dogs are man's best friend. So we'd still be friends. Better than friends probably."
You stare at her.
"I'd give you shelter obviously. Good food. Oh! Do wolves eat the same things as dogs? I'd have to look into that. I'm not feeding you whatever François feeds that hound of his, it always looks absolutely miserable." She frowns, genuinely concerned about your hypothetical wolf diet. "I'd give you scratches behind the ears too. Obviously. That's just basic decency."
She sits up suddenly, eyes wide
"Oh, oh wait! Could I be a wolf too? Because if we're both wolves that changes things significantly. We could be a pack. Lou and $mc's pack" She looks incredibly pleased with this. "That's actually better. I want that."
—
"Would you love me if I were a wolf?" You ask Camille.
Camille looks up from whatever they were doing, expression shifting into something careful the way it always does when they encounter a serious question and not whatever it is you just fucking asked.
"I— pardon?" A pause. "Are you asking in the hypothetical sense, or is there a more specific circumstance i ought to be made aware of? because I find the context somewhat relevant to my answer." They hold up a finger before you can speak. "For instances, are you fully a wolf, or partially? Have you retained your faculties? Your memories? Your...you? Are you content in this state or is there some distress involved ? Were you, perhaps, a wolf at the time of our first meeting, which would raise rather a significant number of questions I now find myself—"
"Can you just answer the question."
"I feel the context is genuinely very important."
"Camille."
They press their lips together. Look away. Then back.
"...Were you a wolf when we met ? I simply think it bears—"
"Camille."
A long pause. They straighten slightly, as though composing themselves.
"...Yes." they say quietly. "I rather think I would."
—
"Would you love me if I were a wolf?" You ask Hyacinthe.
"No." Quick as a gunshot, not even looking up.
"What ?"
"No." They look up now, perfectly composed "Absolutely not. What a dreadful question. Next."
<<if you had sex with Hyacinthe>> They let the silence sit for exactly one beat before adding, completely straight-faced: "i can't have sex with a wolf. I have standards." <</if>>
"You— that's not—" you sputter. "You wouldn't even consider it?"
"I have considered it." They haven't. "The answer is no." They tilt their head. "Would you love me if I were a parrot ?"
"That's not the same thing at all—"
"It's exactly the same thing." They are alraedy deeply committed to this argument. "A parrot. Small. Magnificent. Excellent conversationalist. would you or would you not?"
"Hyacinthe—"
"Because I think what I'm hearing." They say with the gravity. "is that you would not love me if I were a parrot, which quite frankly says a great deal about your character and very little of it good—"
"That is not what I said—"
"I'm hurt, truly, im devastated—"
"You are not devastated—"
"Deeply." They insist, pressing a hand to their chest. "Profoundly, spiritually wounded by this revelation, and I think we ought to sit with that for a moment."
You stare at them.
They stare back, entirely unrepentant, a smirk pulling at the corner of their mouth. You would kiss it if they werent so insuffurable
This is going to go on for the rest of the evening. You can already tell
—
"Would you love me if I were a wolf?" You ask Alexis.
"I'd love you more."
You pause.
"...what do you mean by that ?"
Alexis says nothing. Continues peeling the apple with the serene expression of someone who has said exactly what they meant and sees no reason to elaborate.
"Alexis."
Nothing. A long curl of apple skin falls to the floor
"That's— you can't just say something like that and then—"
Nothing. The knife keeps moving, slow and unhurried.
"Are you saying wolves are better than people? Are you saying you'd prefer it? Are you saying—"
Alexis cuts a slice and holds it out to you without looking up.
You take it. Obviously you take it.
"Alexis."
The ghost of a smile. That's all you're getting.
You slump back, somewhere between exasperated and unbearably fond. You are never going to get a straight answer out of them and somehow, that's fine
Another curl of apple skin falls to the floor. Alexis looks deeply at peace.
You watch them. This enormous, scarred, utterly unreadable person who just told you, in their own way, that a wolf version of you would somehow be even more loveable to them.
You decide not to think about what that means too hard.
