i got back into web design.
if learning how to play a guitar proved to be both relaxing and infuriating, teaching myself how to write html and css code is invigorating, exciting and sometimes devastating. i love doing it. i love giving myself a task and then finding different ways and combining and tweaking things and working myself out of various corners to complete it. i like how precise the code should be so it would work, and how it working means that you definitely haven’t made a mistake, so it’s instant success and validation. but despire of how accurate your code is supposed to be, there’s still a certain level of creative freedom. the code i’m currently working shows known styles and effects but it’s still my original work. the visual result is nothing mind-blowing, but i wrote the bones of it from scratch, combined and changed differnet things and took different turns to get to it. sure it’s a bit messy, experimental and could definitely be shortened by a pro, but i’m a newbie, so i’m cutting myself some slack here, even if it’s hard to do for me as a pedant and perfectionist. my unfinished design is imperfect and will probably remain that way even when driven to completion, but it’s mine nonetheless, and, give all the hard work i’m putting in it and how much i’m actually learning working for hours each day, i love it. this is something i’m passionate about. this is actually the first fucking thing that is able to keep me concentrated. i hope i’ll be able to do it as my job one day. i hope i’ll actually be great at it one day. it’s a long way to go right now, but i think i have a real chance. i don’t have money for professional lessons, or the best images that are free for commercial use, or hosting my own server, or anything really that gives you a significant boost as a web-designer, but i have an insane amount of enthusiasm and also a fair amount of desperation fueled by financial inadequacy. i need this and i want this, so i’m gonna try. i mean, i’ve taught myself english so i could use it as a tool for exploring my obsessions, as a shorter way to entertainment i had already been privy to, but also as a bridge leading me to some things that had not been and still wouldn’t be accesible otherwise. i know my knowledge of english isn’t that great, but it’s been a work in progress for a long time now, and i think i’m slowly but surely improving. hopefully, it will be the case with coding too. i’ve tried it once before and stopped, discouraged by how hard it was and how stupid and useless i am. i still have those misgivings, it’s still really fucking hard and it will only get harder before i finally get a firm grasp on web design, and i still do idiotic things that require me to spend more time and effort than a smarter person would, sure, those things are still true, but this time i’m ready to overcome those obstacles, this time i stumble but sitll move forward, and it’s exhilarating. i fall asleep thinking about features i can try and implement in the theme i’m working on, then i wake up and spend hours on actually doing that, and i forget ot eat, and then i eat without thinking and then forget i’ve dont it, and it’s fucking great, it’s mentally arousing. i think i’ve found a language that i’m most comfortable speaking, and honestly it’s a comforting thought. i’m still very fucking insecure about it, because i keep looking up themes professionaly and immaculately crafted by other people and thinking that i’ll never be able to do stuff like that, it just looks insane and beyong my reasoning, and there’s also a lot of other things to consider, and i’m afraid that i’ll never get anywhere with this, just burn myself out and in the end lose the interest and regret spending time and energy. i don’t want to one day think about this as a waste. i don’t want it to be a waste. but i push those thoughts, the fear and the doubt, out, and get back to coding, and while i’m doing it, nothing else matters. this post is a fucking mess, and it looks like something i would get a headache from even thinking about reading, but i’m not gonna make it shorter, clean it up or even check it for mistakes. i’m tired and frankly i don’t care. no one reads this anyway, me included.
