#i write to forget

[coffeegraeme]

Do you write to remember, or write to forget?

[i-write-to-forget]

my heart is soft, my intentions pure

i am beautifully chaotic, a mess of genuine events

never mean harm, just feel way too big

i think

& think

& think

& think...

when my mind is quiet;

i feel empty

-‘alone, but not lonely’

[the-dreamy-poet]

I Write to Forget

Pain is felt.

Sadness is felt.

Lonliness is felt.

I want to forget about them.

I want to forget about the suffering.

I want to cleanse my soul.

Writing is my elixir.

Writing is my soul.

Writing helps me forget.

Forgetting is what I need to do.

Forgetting is hard to do.

Forgetting by writing is my therapy.

Annnddd day 4 everyone!!!!

[n-weltschmerz]

Lagu ni bermain di kepala otak aku tiba². Stress rasa. Aku pun buka Youtube-- dengar. Then, aku nangis. Ha-ha. Bengong kan?

Mungkin, aku masih menunggu dia menunaikan janji-- untuk celebrate birthday aku. Mungkin.

Tapi, entah--

By the way..

Kdrama ni sedikit sebanyak ada persamaan dengan kisah aku dan dia. Loket rantai bintang&bulan. Dia kaya, kawan² dia-- macam F4 lah gak. Kau rasa? Ayah dia sakit. Engagement. Mak dia nak cari yang setaraf. Heh. Lepas tu, macam mana GeumJanDi pergi cari GuJunPyo, tapi GuJunPyo taknak accept dia. Perit kan? Aku pernah terfikir nak buat macam tu, dulu. Tapi tu lah. Aku takut bila sama je situasi aku macam GeumJanDi. Mungkin sebab tu aku TERmenangis kot. Ha-ha-ha!

Okay, enough N.

[themanwhoaskedwhy]

Esteem

I have long been obsessed with perception.

I desire to understand the way others perceive things, because the differences in the way we perceive things define us to a considerable degree. For me, this obsession is especially strong when it comes to others perceptions of me.

It is common for humans, to be interested in others perceptions of ourselves. In fact, everyone is almost constantly attempting to manipulate the way others perceive us. We behave in certain ways which are meant to make us appear as possessing certain traits, or being certain things.

Perhaps one of the most telling indicators of insecurity is increased interest the way others perceive us.

I purposefully stopped this type of behavior in myself long ago, but I am still far from shedding my insecurities. I chose to do this because first and foremost, I believe that manipulating other peoples perceptions of us in order to make them believe we are something other than what we truly are is dishonest, and I am a fundamentally honest individual. I also decided that if I am to create lasting relationships, I must find them with individuals who find who I am acceptable, not who I pretend to be. I am quite certain that I could not, for a long period of time, sustain a convincing disguise. I don't feel that would make for a healthy relationship, and I don't think hiding who you are is a healthy way to live. We must accept who we are, though there is the potential for improvement. To restate, I refuse to attempt to make anyone believe I am anything other than what I am, and I make efforts to ensure that people have no misconceptions about who I am. This sometimes leads to me throwing my flaws at people far too soon, which drives them away, which is something I struggle with.

Because I act only in ways which reflect my actual self, others perceptions of me become more concerning than if I were hiding. I do not fear that my disguises are failing, I fear that I am fundamentally undesirable.

This is the basis of my insecurity.

In the interest of not having anyone tell me that I just need to love myself; in the past years I have made significant progress in accepting myself for who I am, and my self esteem is based almost entirely on my own perceptions of myself. However I feel it is important that we identify our insecurities and their sources in order to conquer them, or even if they have been conquered, to keep them in check, as insecurities never completely go away.

[hamptonhunger]

This, Feeling.

Regret.

I haven't felt regret like this in a while. I didn't go to her when her heart was breaking. I couldn't sense that her heart was breaking. And the pain she felt... I could have done something for her. I should have done something. I should have just gone to her. 

Frustrating Sadness.

I don't know if you get this, whoever you are that's reading this, but right now, I feel a mix of frustration and sadness. I made her feel bad 2 nights ago, and I regret it. After apologizing, I told myself that in subsequent days I'll do my utmost to make it up to her.

But I just realized that she said, on the same night 2 nights ago, she wrote that if it weren't for me, she would have fallen for a close guy friend of hers. I feel so overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of:

"What if I wasn't meant to happen to her?"

"What if she was supposed to fall for him?"

"What if I just gate crashed into her life and altered what should have been for her?"

And when she wrote "You make me so inexplicably happy", I can't help but speculate, was she referring to me, or was she referring to him?

I'm Scared.

I'm so damn afraid of losing her because of how much I feel about her now. I'm fearful that, I might have already lost a part of her over the recent event I mentioned above. And right now, I'm at lost as to what I should do for the rest of tonight.

I can only think of letting this fear consume me.