Tired...
So, while I hate doing this, I need to vent a little. I doubt any of you will really pay any attention to this so I’ll make it brief since I’ll probably try to delete this not long after posting... I’m tired. Physically? Yeah, always. Insomnia is a bitch and I grapple with the need to sleep every night and manage a handful, enough to semi-function at work during the day. Mentally/emotionally? Yeah, like physically, it’s a constant battle. But, lately, I’ve been losing that battle. I suffer from anxiety and depression, something I’ve dealt with much of my life due to bullying and self-loathing (what else is new, skip the sob story, right?). Well, after leaving a bad situation at my old home, I moved and some things improved but also some escalated. Being away from home, I don’t have the support of the couple of family members who love me and want the best for me. I moved with one friend to live with and that was it. I have my two cats, yes, but that is all.
I was lied to straight out of the gate, got behind on bills for two months, my current job abuses my time and physicality (fucking customer service bites, I swear), I don’t get enough hours to pay shit back or afford much of anything. When I do have money, I’m fucking depressed so buying groceries, I don’t keep track by accident and spend more than I mean. Then, I gt upset at myself b/c that money should have gone to bills and debt that I owe. And it just spirals from there.
The con, Momocon, while was fun to go to... gave me freedom to make more poor decisions. I was having fun and didn’t even think about the aftermath of all the planning, costs, etc. And now I’m even further in the hole that before...
I just can’t keep doing this, guys... I try my hardest to be optimistic, to hold out for hope that the stress will be worth it and good karma will happen... But when? I just... I need a break.
I’m sick of disappointing you guys with very little content. No one is interested in commissioning me for my shitty art. If I open up Perler Bead commissions, I’m sure that’ll fail just as hard and I can’t take that rejection right now. I can’t afford to talk to someone about this b/c my fucking job doesn’t give me the hours/money to and even then, the money should go towards the debt I have...
I’m just tired of being a failure...
