hello, studyblr!
as my new year’s resolution, i have decided to make a studyblr.
my name is dani, i’m an isfp, and i’m 20 years old. i’m a third year biology/anthropology student.
i’ve been on tumblr since 2012, and i’ve always loved being organized and focusing on academics. i always did homework ahead of time, and i would always be asked by my teachers if they could show my work as an example. yeah, i was that kid.
however, i lost myself back in 2018-19. my best friend took his life, and to this day, i still have trouble processing that. i was also dating someone who didn’t support me and didn’t want to grow with me. he encouraged me to stop caring so much about school (which, i understand, can be true to some extent), but so much of my identity and passion was embedded into it. i was changing -- not for the betterment of myself -- but so i could be more like him. so when i was grieving, i stopped caring about everything. there wasn’t anything i could hold on to or focus on, you know?
anyways, we all know how shitty of a year 2020 was. but academically, i have never done so poorly. going from a’s, to c’s, to withdrawing, to failing... the shame surrounding this drastic downfall was so intense that i didn’t know how to deal with it. i wasn’t able to face it because i didn’t feel like i could.
i want to change that. i know things don’t change overnight. but i want to keep trying. i want to do things that will make me feel alive again. to try and be brave. because i don’t want to live like this. i don’t want to remember my 20′s as a hazy depressive episode. i don’t want to dissociate constantly. i want to feel alive again. to feel young, and vivid, and reckless. i want to feel as chaotic and active as i did when i was 13 when homestuck updated. just that kind of vivacity and unrelenting spice LMAO
although it’s easy to slip into negative self-talk, i know that i’ve taken significant steps towards taking care of myself. i told my parents about my mental health. i’m seeing a therapist and a psychologist. i’m taking medicine for my depression/cPTSD. i’m getting disability accomodations. i’m trying.
i have to be brave. i have to fight. i know it won’t be easy, but i’m going to fight this. i don’t want to be muted by my own brain.
anyways, welcome to my world. honestly, i don’t think anyone will ever read this or follow my blog. i’m starting super late and i’m fighting an uphill battle. but that’s okay. i’m doing this for myself. so buckle up!! let’s get it gamers!!
