#iamaleksander

[anderslife]

A picture I took from the London Eye.

[anderslife]

Monday 18th May 2015

I know I haven’t written for a big chunk of time. But a lot has happened. And I want to share it. I’ve been working hard the last few months/year. And I’m finally going on holiday on my own. I’m going to Barcelona! In a week exactly. Then I’ll go to Paris and then the United Kingdom. Barcelona is for sure. So if any of you guys read this and want to hang out let me know. Maybe we can figure something out. So much has happened. I went to my first gay bar on April. It was a completely new experience. Weird but awesomely different. I made a grindr a week ago. And I’ve lost 10 pounds from March to April maybe more by now. I’ll try and post about those experiences separately. I’m so fucking scared to get on the plane to a different country. I hope I get to meet new people. I’m so anxious about it. I hope I get to meet Sam when I’m in England. The boy I’ve been FaceTime lately. We have been doing other stuff too. I think he’s perfect. And he accepts me how I am now. He’s a keeper I’m sure he’ll make any guy happy. I’d like to be his boyfriend but distance won’t make that possible. But I do wanna be spooning with him atleast once in my life. Sorry to be so graphic on my plans. But I plan to do all the touristy shit there is. Probably see get in the London Eye and other bullshit. I do hope I get to see some of you. It would be awesome to meet people that read or used to read my post before I stopped and hang out with them. I’ve also bought a car life is almost falling into place I only need to move out. I still remember writing my first post a week after I moved into this place. I hope I get to have my own house. I finally sort of figured out how to use snapchat. If any of you have it Snap me. I’ll write more later on

[anderslife]

Came back to Texas.

So on the flight from California to here I pretty much watched all my favourite parts from in the flesh. I'm going to quote a few from Series one: I know you! -Kieren and Amy Cross my heart and hope to die. -Amy Take a picture! It last longer. -Amy What are you looking at weirdo?! -Amy Why are you the way you are? -Rick Undead love god... You horny corpse. -no need to say who It was gift! a gift!.... -Kieren Optimist? Amy I killed myself.

[anderslife]

I'm laying down listening to these shitty songs on the radio. It's somewhat soothing listening to this rubbish. Because is late at night and it's actually music nonstop. I don't know it just break the loneliness I just can't explain it. It feels so good and right. Maybe it reminds me of simpler times when I used to listen to the radio to sleep. When I wasn't suppose to be an adult. Like now. Where my problems where just dumb and stupid and not even that serious.

[anderslife]

Instagram dilemma

Well I'm not out and I got coworkers that follow me in there. Things is I'm not out at work. I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I've lied when topic related to that kind of Stuff. Since instagram is not private everything you like and everything you follow can be seen by anyone that followed. I wish I could put pictures of people I like without being questioned. Or like the picture of a hot boy because I think he's super cute. On the back of my mind there's always those thoughts. And there's also the fear of someone that knows outing me. So much fucking struggle. But there's no point most of the pictures I post aren't even me. But I wish they were. Thing is I plan on working there for awhile. And these people are following me. Now if I come out to them is going to be weird since I lied and all. Yet working would be so awkward after that. But I do want to like the selfies of this guy I follow so bad. But can't do it for that reason and he probably would never notice me.

[anderslife]

Future Angst

I feel as is something to great to handle is coming. The things I like the things I do. The things that I know will be coming In my life. I feel as life in a few weeks are going to be overwhelming that I'll shut everything down. I'm afraid that I can't deal with school and all the course work. That I could go to work and always been on a schedule. Not enough sleep for me. Also my social urges that I get like the times I'd like to have a boyfriend so bad. Or just a gay friend I could converse with. I'm afraid that I can't deal with all of it. I don't want to lose myself in all the shit that will happen. But I don't want to shut myself down.

[anderslife]

Uni starts soon

I can't expressed how scared I am. I took 4 classes for the first time in 2 years now. It doesn't seem like much but to me is overwhelming. And I start procrastinating. I'm so scared because I'll be working also. I don't know what would I do if I get so behinds. I hope I could make it this semester.

[anderslife]

I've come to terms that I can't even make friends over here. Which it was supposed to be easier than the real world. If you find my post we probably have a lot in common. Yet we don't mutually like our stuff. I've tried making conversation with a few people that I follow yet nothing. Honestly I'm bad at making conversations. But I try to express myself to the best of my capabilities. I don't know maybe I don't like the loneliness anymore. In the depth of night I'd like able to whisper and someone besides me hear me. I thought my whisper could be heard here. But apparently is not strong enough. My whispers are not going to get any stronger but I want you to listen. To notice that I am here. And that I notice you. I hope that my whispers in the darkness could get a reply.