#iamgone

[ichosefury]

sometimes, though not as often now, mom mentions how she still needs to pay back the money i gave her over the years before i moved out. i always tell her she doesn't owe me anything, i mean, raising me, any child, is incredibly costly. especially with a leech of everything.

but recently i had the thought that, maybe, she feels a need to pay me back because she feels guilty. since i had to give basically all the money i earned to help us keep the heating, maintain the house and property, help feed us and fulfil whatever whims it had, i could never save up enough to move out on my own.

i think she has paid me back well enough, if not many times over. maybe i can convince her of that someday.

[ichosefury]

it’s odd how being broke can affect your thoughts and feelings, like... logically speaking even though there’s less than 11 euros in my bank account right now ‘cause of yule and other sudden expenses, i have enough experience to figure out how to best budget what i have to last until i get paid, without asking for help. and i already have! i’d stocked up because mom visited, and she brought me protein and nut bars she got through her job (and sweets, but hey) and there’d been a couple of deals at the stores i’d taken advantage of, and quite a bit of dry stuff in my cupboards. i don’t actually need to go to shopping this year, i can wait until new year’s day, maybe the second even.

but there still was this sudden need/feeling/thought of ‘soon we will starve, better eat everything we have before its gone‘ which is silly but... that’s what growing poor and w/ an unpredictable abuser does to you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ichosefury]

mom’s visit went great, though it really was a shame she had both school and work for the rest of the year basically. it just felt like one night wasn’t enough, but then, i haven’t really socialised with anyone else, so... *shrug*

thankfully, even if i get selected into this vocational college course, it doesn’t start until february, so i can squeeze in one more visit to mom to celebrate her birthday. and watch the cat :)

[ichosefury]

there’s not much to say about the last year or so. i got two temporary jobs, saved up, realised if i didn’t take the chance to move out in the fall i wouldn’t muster up the will and money for another year or two, and left. i still had a job back in the old county so i crashed at my mom’s place for a couple of months. i haven’t had a job since. mom moved out for school last january, and i breathed a little easier at the increased distence between her and him. despite a couple of sudden expenses, life seems to have been good to her.

objectively speaking, it’s been good to me too, but... i’m honestly pretty fucking lonely. there’s no family this far up north nor anyone i am/was friends with. early summer i could almost literally feel myself cracking from not having anyone to talk with face to face. it’s a little better now. i increased my trips to the library, i took part in the local pride and have gone to mingle in open markets. i’ve been able to meet with mom almost every month and she’s coming to visit me tomorrow.

and i haven’t felt like i want to die for over a year now. i’m still depressed, but i’m functional and enjoy things. i count this as a win.

[ichosefury]

it’s funny/odd and yet not really how much i immediately thought i’d have to do before anyone could come visit, let alone stay the night. i mean, i know exactly why i’m suddenly a stressed out perfectionist after months of being a hermit slob, but you know.

at least the apartment looks pretty good now. like a competent adult with a will to live... lives here. i just need to hoover tomorrow morning and clean one thing and that’s it.  

oh, and don’t get me wrong, the one visiting is mom and i’m delighted, it’s just been quite a while since anyone’s visited my place. a whole year in fact. and i guess it’s prudent to mention that i moved out (of the county even) last august and mom moved out too, though we went in opposite directions :p that’s why i’ve made a new tag, all i really need to do is change back to my birth name and i doubt he would ever find me again. i don’t think it would even cross his mind i could dare discard the name i got from him.

[heladeranged-blog]

What is forever? We are led to believe it is the future but, is it really? Is forever what will always be(future) or what has always been(past)?

Original by Heladeranged

[vervassel]

un-sunny replied to your post: …

Omg lol no worries XD

quietwhisprsbye